It's so much easier for me to be agnostic. But I am really comfortable with not knowing and ambiguity, so that is where I naturally end up. It is obviously not for everybody, or even most people.

That's the reason I've always admired agnostics, actually.

Everyone else has such firm opinions. Agnostics are able to stare into the infinite and boldly declare, "Beats me."

Seriously.

I think I have lost the point too, but the closest thing I have ever read to what I feel in my heart sometimes is this quote from Virginia Woolfs Moments of being.

It is a constant idea of mine; that behind the cotton wool is hidden a pattern; that we — I mean all human beings — are connected with this; that the whole world is a work of art; that we are parts of the work of art. Hamlet or a Beethoven quartet is the truth about this vast mass that we call the world. But there is no Shakespeare, there is no Beethoven; certainly and emphatically there is no God; we are the words; we are the music; we are the thing itself.

Somehow this makes me feel the world is whole and beautiful, and that there is a god-- there was a Shakespeare and there was a Beethoven, but the we-ness-- that is God.

That's lovely.

Sometimes I wish I believed.

I don't. I thought I was a believer for a long time. Once I realized I wasn't, my worldview became internally consistent, and I prefer it that way. I was never happy having to handwave my own brain.

(But hey, as an interesting historical aside, did we all know that the Roman government in the early years of Christianity considered Christians to be atheists? True story! All we've done in modern times is lower the threshhold for # of gods needed to qualify for believer status.)

I don't. I thought I was a believer for a long time. Once I realized I wasn't, my worldview became internally consistent, and I prefer it that way. I was never happy having to handwave my own brain

My family was not religious because when my grandfather was going through his bouts of mental illness, he heard God and preached, and tried to baptize people in long island sound. So pretty much, I was raised in a house that did not mention god because of the bad things it had meant to them. Which is probably why I longed.

Relatedly, I had a friend who was raised an atheist by a scientist mom, and when we were in college, her mom found religion! It was a very weird ecperience for her, because she felt her entire belief system was betrayed.

I always envied the people who truly believed.

I have also envied believing. I asked a former believer friend of mine if she ever missed it and she said sometimes, she did. It made a lot of things easier but in the end, she'd rather not believe because what she believed in wanted to much of her "her-ness" to truly believe.

I sometimes envy people their faith, that certainty or belief that there is something after life.

I sometimes envy people their faith, that certainty or belief that there is something after life.

That. Yes.

Somehow, this link seems apropos of the religion conversation. [link]