I know my mom gave me The Talk when I was a kid (it was, of course, kid-appropriate and not peppered with phrases like "pulling a train"), but I honestly don't think it sunk in that it was supposed to apply to ME, at some point in the future. I was like, "Okay, babies, cool."

(And -- this is as picture-perfect an example of my utter naivete as I can think of [and honestly, I am still this naive, in a wow-I-really-miss-the-obvious-don't-I kind of way] -- when I was maybe 10 or 11, it occurred to me that I always heard the phrase "the birds and the bees," and that it related to something a parent was supposed to talk to you about. So I went to my mom and asked, "Are you going to tell me about the birds and the bees?" And she was all, "Honey, remember the book? With the husband and wife and the baby?" "Yeah, of course." "That's the birds and the bees." "It IS? ... That makes NO sense! What do birds and bees have to do with THAT?!?")

And I believe I've posted before about sex-ed in an all-girls' Catholic school. It consisted of DON'T, but there may have been a state-mandated section on Okay, We Have To Tell You About STDs, So Here's What Happens If You Do What We Told You Not To. And it was 1985, so the section on AIDS was basically, yeah, about 20% of people who get infected actually get AIDS. (Ah, the 80s.)

And we watched the movie "When, Jenny, When?", which starred Marcia Brady as the class slut who slept with everyone but none of the guys respected. And so she decided to NOT sleep with a dude and found out that they had a super-duper fulfilling relationship and he respected her enough to keep dating her!

Actuallly, as I'm typing this, I think the STD stuff was in health class, and the sex stuff (DON'T) was in religion class. I know the movie was in religion class. Although I do specifically remember the day in health we covered masturbation, and everyone did the cough-shuffle feet-look at desk thing for the whole hour, while the teacher told us that it's cool, it's okay to do it, it's natural, etc. Which, now that I think about it, is directly against the teachings of the Catholic church. Hmmm. Maybe I'm misremembering it. But I swear I don't remember being told it was a sin to choke it.

But I swear I don't remember being told it was a sin to choke it.

I thought masturbation was a sin on account of trying to read the Bible cover to cover. I didn't get very far, but I got to the thing where God smites Onan for spilling his seed upon the ground.

Then a few years later I discovered masturbation by accident.

this is as picture-perfect an example of my utter naivete as I can think of [and honestly, I am still this naive, in a wow-I-really-miss-the-obvious-don't-I kind of way]

Steph, I used to think the vagina was the space between a woman's breasts. I thought sex involved rubbing your penis on that space.

I'm not entirely sure how or when I figured out how sex actually worked. I discovered late-night premium channel programming in junior high, so I had a better idea then.

I never got any sort of sex talk from my parents. Of course, we weren't allowed to date, so I guess they figured they had nothing to worry about.

Then a few years later I discovered masturbation by accident.

I think I discovered masturbation from some drawing someone did making fun of a guy whose mom caught him masturbating in the tub. I didn't really know what he was doing in the cartoon, but I tried it out one night and heeeeeey would you look at that what the fuck wow.

We had the film in fifth grade, girls only, in the gym, with a pamphlet. But I got my period later that year (?!) so Mom and I had a little more discussion about that. That was pretty much as far as it went, although I also had the most awesome book about how babies were made (very '70s, and all the illustrations were paper cutouts, so cool), that I actually kept and used with the kids.

High school health I remember being mostly about STDs and AIDS, too, Tep, but that's it. So most of what I heard was either about reproduction or nasty diseases, too.

I wonder what kind of horrifying explosive vortex would be created if her sex-ed talk and the priest's sex-ed talk ever somehow collided.

I want to see that happen. Unless of course it would cause a black hole that would kill me. But STILL.

OMG! I forgot about "When Jenny When"!!!! They TOTALLY showed that to us in 5th grade! Hahahaha!

I don't remember ever learning about STDs or masturbation in Catholic school, but I do remember this hilarious curriculum about drugs in health class in 7th grade, where they taught us all the "street" names for drugs: blow, smack, etc. So that we could better communicate with our future dealers?

I learned the facts of life at age six in the local library. (From a book. I should probably clarify that.) By age nine, and once again fuelled by all that book larnin', I was offering my mum's friends advice on their menstrual issues. I don't think my parents ever gave us The Talk (beyond "Stop giving my friends advice on their menstrual issues"), and that's why I have a 21-year old nephew. (M, aghast: "Didn't you use a condom?" Brother: "What for? I don't have AIDS!")

God smites Onan for spilling his seed upon the ground.

That's not what he got smote for! I mean, yes, he did and he got smote, but spilling the precious manseed was not per se the sin. That whole ugly incident has been totally misunderstood.

We had the puberty talk in school, boys and girls in separate rooms, in fifth grade. The video included a diagram of the female reproductive system made out of pancakes. I think we learned about sex in health class in seventh grade, and then more mentions of STDs and contraception and all of that stuff every year from then until the end of high school.

Mom talked to us but also gave us the books What's Happening to My Body Book for Girls and What's Happening to My Body Book for Boys.

There was a coloring section for the various body parts.

She also put condoms in the shelf with school supplies. Not that I used them.

Mom did ask me what Water sports were in terms of sex. But then *her* mother asked her what oral sex was. So we've both been through the Omigod why is Mom asking me this thing.

The really embarrassing thing was when I was visitng Grandma E (dad's mom) and the satellite tv messed up and some porn channels were coming through. I was flipping the channels trying to escape the porn, with Grandma E sitting there and she says "turn it back, I always wanted to know what the fuss was about."

I think I left her the remote and left the room.

Hil, pancakes? How...delicious.