this is as picture-perfect an example of my utter naivete as I can think of [and honestly, I am still this naive, in a wow-I-really-miss-the-obvious-don't-I kind of way]

Steph, I used to think the vagina was the space between a woman's breasts. I thought sex involved rubbing your penis on that space.

I'm not entirely sure how or when I figured out how sex actually worked. I discovered late-night premium channel programming in junior high, so I had a better idea then.

I never got any sort of sex talk from my parents. Of course, we weren't allowed to date, so I guess they figured they had nothing to worry about.

Then a few years later I discovered masturbation by accident.

I think I discovered masturbation from some drawing someone did making fun of a guy whose mom caught him masturbating in the tub. I didn't really know what he was doing in the cartoon, but I tried it out one night and heeeeeey would you look at that what the fuck wow.

We had the film in fifth grade, girls only, in the gym, with a pamphlet. But I got my period later that year (?!) so Mom and I had a little more discussion about that. That was pretty much as far as it went, although I also had the most awesome book about how babies were made (very '70s, and all the illustrations were paper cutouts, so cool), that I actually kept and used with the kids.

High school health I remember being mostly about STDs and AIDS, too, Tep, but that's it. So most of what I heard was either about reproduction or nasty diseases, too.

I wonder what kind of horrifying explosive vortex would be created if her sex-ed talk and the priest's sex-ed talk ever somehow collided.

I want to see that happen. Unless of course it would cause a black hole that would kill me. But STILL.

OMG! I forgot about "When Jenny When"!!!! They TOTALLY showed that to us in 5th grade! Hahahaha!

I don't remember ever learning about STDs or masturbation in Catholic school, but I do remember this hilarious curriculum about drugs in health class in 7th grade, where they taught us all the "street" names for drugs: blow, smack, etc. So that we could better communicate with our future dealers?

I learned the facts of life at age six in the local library. (From a book. I should probably clarify that.) By age nine, and once again fuelled by all that book larnin', I was offering my mum's friends advice on their menstrual issues. I don't think my parents ever gave us The Talk (beyond "Stop giving my friends advice on their menstrual issues"), and that's why I have a 21-year old nephew. (M, aghast: "Didn't you use a condom?" Brother: "What for? I don't have AIDS!")

God smites Onan for spilling his seed upon the ground.

That's not what he got smote for! I mean, yes, he did and he got smote, but spilling the precious manseed was not per se the sin. That whole ugly incident has been totally misunderstood.

We had the puberty talk in school, boys and girls in separate rooms, in fifth grade. The video included a diagram of the female reproductive system made out of pancakes. I think we learned about sex in health class in seventh grade, and then more mentions of STDs and contraception and all of that stuff every year from then until the end of high school.

Mom talked to us but also gave us the books What's Happening to My Body Book for Girls and What's Happening to My Body Book for Boys.

There was a coloring section for the various body parts.

She also put condoms in the shelf with school supplies. Not that I used them.

Mom did ask me what Water sports were in terms of sex. But then *her* mother asked her what oral sex was. So we've both been through the Omigod why is Mom asking me this thing.

The really embarrassing thing was when I was visitng Grandma E (dad's mom) and the satellite tv messed up and some porn channels were coming through. I was flipping the channels trying to escape the porn, with Grandma E sitting there and she says "turn it back, I always wanted to know what the fuss was about."

I think I left her the remote and left the room.

Hil, pancakes? How...delicious.

OMG! I forgot about "When Jenny When"!!!! They TOTALLY showed that to us in 5th grade! Hahahaha!

I have NEVER met anyone who didn't go to my high school who saw that! Awesome!

but I do remember this hilarious curriculum about drugs in health class in 7th grade, where they taught us all the "street" names for drugs: blow, smack, etc. So that we could better communicate with our future dealers?

Oh, holy shit, we did too! Like, if some skeezy dude offers me a pill (or powder, or square of celluloid) that I don't recognize, I'm just going to take it since I don't know the name he calls it?

(M, aghast: "Didn't you use a condom?" Brother: "What for? I don't have AIDS!")

I remember my mom, horrified, telling me she had to get the family cell phone out of my brother's car, and that [dramatic pause] she found condoms!

Me: Were they USED?
Her: Ew, no! But -- condoms! I can't handle this!
Me: Would you rather have to handle him having sex and NOT using condoms? Because you clearly have proof that he's having sex or planning to or just really really wants to be ready if a woman falls out of the sky. So...either he does it safely, which leads to no diseases and NO GRANDBABIES, or he does it unsafely, which could lead to all manner of things you won't want to handle. You decide.
Her: So...he's using condoms. What a smart boy!

I got a Talk from my mother just before I started high school that embarrassed her and told me nothing, then I found the home medical book, and the next time the subject of sex passed between us was when I was a junior in college and she found my birth control pills, and it was way too late for anything regarding mother/daughter bonding.

Oh, and at some point she said in passing, "I was glad someone knew what was going on during our honeymoon," but my sister and I were too shocked to discuss anything further. Lord, I never even *thought* of asking Mother anything about sex.