Definitely, JZ. My parents were racist, particularly my mom, but it's hard for me to hold much animosity in my heart for a woman who has been dead for twenty years now, and who, above all, raised me to think for myself.

In addition to that, she had two gorgeous, smart multiracial grandchildren. She may not have approved of my brother's marriage, but she went to the wedding, and babysat for those kids, and she didn't live to see it, but they grew up to vote for Obama, whom they identified with in ways that I can only imagine.

But I am at least conscious of my unconscious racism and prejudices and don't intend to let it continue further.

One of the ideas I've been fascinated with recently is the fact that, growing up, you only know the world that is presented to you. That is what you think is normal, the Way Things Are. And your parents are the people who present the world to you and tell you the Way Things Are. It can be quite a shock to discover that your experience and views are not universal.

This is so true, P-C. This is something my brothers and I have spent a lot of time thinking about and struggling with in our own ways, with a generational divide between us. I think my brothers had a lot of trouble dealing with my parents as adults because of their racism. I never had to deal with my parents in such a complex way.

I'm kind of grateful that my father died before I learned of any possible bigotries or such. I can maintain my probably idealized version of him in my head.

You're welcome, bonny. He is very quotable...my other favorite being "Charm is a verb."

yesterday, my glasses fell apart. I had to walk a few blocks to get to a spot where Matt could meet me with my fixed glasses. Interesting - I couldn't see people well enough to see skin color ( unless they were right next to me ) . nor age, or anything about them. If the world was nearsighted ,things might be a little different.

I use this all the time for social/professional/community stuff I'm not excited about doing. My response is, "I have another obligation." This is wholly and completely true, even when that obligation is to my own relaxation and rejuvenation so that I can be at my best for the ton of other stuff an AM excited about doing. The fact that this might include coloring my hair or vegging on the floor with my dog is not the business of the inquiring party.

bonny, how do you reply (or do you) to the inevitable handful that, when you say you have another obligation, feel it's perfectly okay to ask "Really? What is it?"

Because that's my problem. I have a sign on my forehead that's visible only to assholes that says "NO BOUNDARIES HERE! FEEL FREE TO INVADE MY LIFE!" And so if I say something like, "I have another obligation," they do in fact ask, "What are you doing?"

And while I've read advice to reply with a polite laugh and say "Now, THAT'S a personal question!" it would never fly with people pushy enough to believe that they're entitled to all the details of my life. They just. keep. asking.

(My dad, for instance, love him though I do, will NEVER stop asking "Where were you when I called last night?" whenever he gets voicemail. The most recent example is Friday night, when we were having enthusiastic sex when my dad called. WTF do I say to my dad when he asks where I was when he called? "Uh...at home." "Well, why didn't you answer?" "Uh...I was busy." "What where you doing?" [Hand to god, he WILL ask this.] So what in the HELL do I say to that level of nosiness?)

So what in the HELL do I say to that level of nosiness?)

Tell him something that's so obscene and detailed that he doesn't ever ask again? I dunno.

Or could you just say, "We were in bed."?

Yeah, at that point even I would say something like, "What were we doing? HAVING SEX." and hope that put a stop to it.

But, you know, Blergh.

Yeah, at that point even I would say something like, "What were we doing? HAVING SEX." and hope that put a stop to it.

I would have to kill myself immediately afterwards. Or wipe my memory, and its my understanding that that technology isn't perfected yet.

Maybe a firm "I. WAS. BUSY."?

Yeah, that's the flaw of the plan. But I swear, it's like he's goading you into it.