{{{P-C}}}

FWIW, I respect you at lot more for how you are living your life than I respect adults who kowtow to their mothers. I'm sorry that she can't see how respectful of her you've been.

And I'm very sorry that your family doesn't respect you and your wishes for them to leave you alone about this.

I had a thirty-second cry on the drive home. I should've gotten into an accident. That would've shown 'em!

{{P-C}} You have expressed your feelings on the subject and they have done the same. Adults can now agree to disagree. Of course, they don't see you as an adult, but you are so you can close the subject.

It is heartbreaking that they can't see how much you have agonized over this marriage process. I'm sorry.

Marriage stories for those of you who don't know my over married history:

Potential DH #1 was when I tried to elope with Gary when I was 17. We were headed to Alabama where 16 was marrying age and had lined up work and an apartment in New Orleans. They parental units caught us and stopped us. Thank God!

I kinda proposed to DH#1. After living together a year I told him that it wasn't an ultimatum, but that if the relationship wasn't going anywhere I really didn't want to devote any more time to it. He said it was fine with him if I wanted to get married. We grew apart after a dozen years, but we remained friends until he passed away.

DH#2 proposed after 1 week together and I happily agreed. It was right. Hard to say how long it would have lasted since he up and died on me after 3 years.

DH#3 proposed but it was pretty much just something we knew we were doing after living together and being in business together for a while. I did push him along a bit since I suggested to him that we wouldn't be having kids if we didn't do so in a timely fashion.

That's it. I'm never getting married again. I mean it this time. I've pretty much been married for 37 years, just to 3 different guys.

I'm glad you didn't get into an accident {{{P-C}}}

I was sure there must be support groups for people in your situation but I didn't know what to google. "Arranged marriage support group" only yielded groups of people who are having trouble with a marriage they're already in and regretting.

(((P-C)))

Yes, I married the first guy who asked, but at age 20 wasn't particularly desperate. I went to visit the DH for the Christmas holiday (he was attending University of York), and the very last thing in my stocking was a ring. He did the whole on-bended-knee thing.

But it was contingent on him asking my dad's permission, which I agreed to because it would tickle my dad, and us being grown up and employed and stuff. Then DH went and passed the FS exam.

So we got married the day after graduation, since the families would be in town anyway. A guy that I'd dated brought some drama, with a last-minute "choose me" play, but no.

In the time since, I've met maybe one other person that I could maybe have viewed as a spouse. While DH and I have separated (a couple times), fought like cats and dogs (mostly when we were younger), and have generally not had Stepford Marriage, DH #1 is DH#Only. I was and am fully prepared to otherwise be Not Married.

Also, as friends of ours point out, we're lucky we found each other, because no one else could survive being stuck with either of us.

P-C, you must be walking funny, because you have balls of STEEL.

Okay, weak humor, but I stand by the sentiment. You laid it out plain for them, knowing the odds were high that they wouldn't respond in a favorable (or even neutral) way, but you still did it.

Shit, you shouldn't even have had to tell them about all your amazing kickass accomplishments -- they should be accosting people in the grocery store to tell them to go see your play, or how successful you are in your career, or what a good, caring, funny, wicked smart person you are.

And the thing is, they know all that, but they just won't step back and realize that they are so fucking lucky. You could be a lousy son, a jackass who has no interest in being fully engaged in life, or a druggie, or a porn star.

Hell, you could lie to them about your intentions to marry, and actions toward that end, but you *don't*, because you're a good person and don't roll that way. And they could at least appreciate that.

I totally agree with the people in LJ who are angry on your behalf. Any parents would be thrilled to have a son like you. You're like winning the goddamn kid lottery, and your parents act like you're a felon.

I also agree that therapy wouldn't be a bad idea, just to get perspective and maybe some ongoing coping tips from someone who is totally outside the situation (because all of your friends are just going to shake our fists and cry for blood on your behalf).

(And, dude? Even if only 2 therapy sessions are free, you yourself pointed out that you have a good job and make a good living, so spend some of that money on therapy. It's a worthwhile investment.)

It's so hard to realize you have a kickass life on your own terms, and it's not defined by your parents' expectations. And I realize I can't even fully comprehend the weight of their expectations, because it's so laden with Gujarati culture and generations of people who have done things the same way, over and over and over. I know that I don't totally grasp it, but I don't think I need to in order to tell you this: it sucks, and it's hard, but your life and your worth is something that YOU have to determine for yourself.

And I think you *are,* and have been for a while, in a lot of ways (acting, and your job, and what an awesome friend you are). But your parents' expectations is a huge weight, like a boulder you're dragging behind you. But sometimes you just have to leave the boulder on someone's front lawn and walk away.

They made you, and raised you, and they aren't *bad* people, but your parents are being tragically shortsighted jerks right now.

You, however? ROCK. (Also? Balls of STEEL.)

See, the way I feel (and how I ended up kinda disassociating from my parents' crazy expectations...which they've mellowed a bit as they've gotten older, and gotten crazier in other ways) is that you know if you were married, it would be about whether you had kids. Or whether you were supporting your parents properly. Or whether your wife was showing appropriate respect. And once you had kids, it would be whether you were bringing the kids to see the grandparents often enough, or raising them correctly (teaching them the appropriate Gujarati things!) etc, etc. It will never end...it's NOT just this one marriage thing. So you can't just give in. Cause it will never end.

{{P.-C.}} I'd like to add something to what Steph just said, but I've got nothing to trump Balls of Steel.

As a 41-year-old non-married female, I am very grateful that I have no cultural/parental concerns regarding my status.

As a 46-year-old never-married childless-by-choice female, I am also very grateful for the lack of familial expectations in those areas.

Bitches are wise. The only thing I have to add is this chestnut: your family knows how to push your buttons because they installed them.