Please pardon, in advance, the length of this post. It's a monumental time for me and I am using this space to make concrete a decision I have made.

So. It's my fiftieth birthday on Sunday. And, as is my custom, I'm having an adventure to commemorate the 'big number.' Past Examples:

• Married on the 21st bday,
• walked across America at 25,
• 1st Masters at 30 + had myself sterilized and met my birth mother after a 27 year split,
• walked all over Britain, Scandinavia and the Faroe Islands at 35,
• Second Masters at 40 (also a tatoo),
• 2005...MONO! (not so fun)

So, this week, I'm doing something that will seem like nothing to everyone else but it is, hands down the thing most requiring courage on my part. Ever. And this is saying something.

I'm giving blood.

My lifelong, clinical phobia of needles is one of the last bastions of fear in my life. It's not that I don't like needles. It is that I have broken furniture in labs, knocked well-meaning people down, blacked out, cried like a horrible baby and otherwise defied any sort of rational response. It's been bad, to say the very least.

I wracked my brain for the best thing I could do for myself and for the world, and this is what occurred to me. I have type AB- blood, and I teach people to overcome their fears for a living. What else is there for me to do.

As I type this, my arms are aching, my palms are sweating and my heart is all skippidy-do-dah. Just thinking about it hurts. So. I'm making it real by putting it out there. I can't back out now, eh?

Fortunately, I am blessed. While my best friend has just, today, moved to Arizona (oh, woe), another friend volunteered to go with me. I warned him off, as I am not fond of the idea of anyone seeing me in that state...but it does seem practical to have a guardian. I'll be a puddle of horror, I'm sure. And, besides, he is a gay man banned from doing what he feels is his duty, due to a family issue. He gave 8 gallons before he was told he could no longer. The injustice of that, alone, spurs me on to act.

Any calm and wide open veins ~ma would be greatly appreciated around 10:30am on Thursday. I'm focusing on the choice aspect, which I hope will hold me in better stead than focusing on my past experiences.

It seems right to do this now. Though I won't lie and say I'm confident at the mo.

Bless you, Bonny. You're going to make it through just fine, and it's a lovely way to give of yourself for your big day.

Bonny, good luck! I love it!

bonny, I applaud your decision and the courage it takes to do it. I feel your pain, literally. I've fainted, slapped people upon coming to, cried hysterically, and had panic attacks from blood draws. I have type O- blood, and I always feel bad that I've never had the cojones to donate.

So I'll make you a deal, to make me feel better and give you further reason to keep your resolve: you do it, and I will too. Overcoming an irrational fear will be a good thing for me to do on my 47th birthday.

Bonny, that is a brilliant and lovely idea.

ANNE!!!

Hi!!!

Bonny, that's awesome. Is there any way you can take the dog with you?

So I'll make you a deal, to make me feel better and give you further reason to keep your resolve: you do it, and I will too. Overcoming an irrational fear will be a good thing for me to do on my 47th birthday.

Zen. I just. You. Well. I'm crying now. I'm not even sure why this means so much to me but, thank you. I appreciate the faith and the courage on your part. Yes. I will do it. And, if you step out of your comfort zone...to even try, it will make the victory even sweeter.

Is there any way you can take the dog with you?

If ONLY. Though, he absorbs my anxiety like a sponge and I'd hate to do to him, what happens inside me.

Over Christmas, when I went all shocky from an injury, he immediately barfed. Poor boo.

Though you are right, the one thing, upon which I can focus to do ANYTHING, is him.