(((Meara)))

(((Hil)))

House-ma, Stephanie!

We're headed to a Renaissance Fair today! I'm looking forward to it. I haven't been in years.

"When are you coming?"
"I'm not coming."
"What do you mean, not coming? Not coming doesn't work!"
"Of course it works; why wouldn't it work?"
"Okay, you do what you want, bye."

Then he calls back, furious and yelling about how I think I'm above everyone and I don't ever do what they say. He yells at me for talking "like this," and I inform him that he's the one who's yelling, for the record, and he says that's because he's been nice up until now, but now I'm talking nonsense. All other children, when they visit home, they go straight to their families. He said before that I could take the day to do whatever and then come home. I say I gave them four days, and I reserved this day to spend here, doing whatever, it didn't matter. The other night, though, he told me to come home and I agreed, didn't I? Yeah, because he always does this. He says I have all the freedom in the world in California, does anyone come and bother me there? Why do you think I don't come here, I say, I have no freedom. So I don't want to be part of the family? When did I say that? He's the one who's always saying that. So they shouldn't think of me and include me in their plans? No, they should ask me and respect my decision if I say no, that's how it works. Oh, sure, that's how it works. Well, if I don't have time for family, he will come to the airport and bring the stuff. What stuff? I have all the stuff that I need to take back. I don't have ALL the stuff, apparently. If I have time for the family, I can come home, and if I don't, I can let him know when I'm getting to the airport so he can come bring the stuff. Okay.

That went...differently than expected. He was pissed. Perhaps if he'd brought up the fact that there was stuff involved earlier, we could have had a more practical conversation. I stayed calm through most of it, only raising my voice a few times, whereas he was yelling at me the whole time.

I'm packing up the laptop now and won't be checking b.org the rest of the day, probably. If anyone with my phone number wants to respond, feel free to call. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet.

if they keep referring to the 17th, 18th and 19th century as the early 20th century.

They do that? Seriously? That's just... weird.

These professors of yours are single-handedly destroying the good name of sociology, Shir. I'd be annoyed if I were in your position, too. (There are sociology departments where historical context is appropriately dealt with. Really, there are. They aren't just mythical constructs from a utopian dream of some kind.)

It's a bit like when my English teachers at uni used to refer to all nineteenth-century literature as 'Victorian'. Eventually I developed some reading skills (and some general knowledge), and started going, dude, Regency is not Victorian, and Austen was not reading Dickens in her spare time, and there's a whole lot of contextual difference there that we should be paying some attention to. Like the Industrial Revolution. Just, you know, for fun.

Arrrrrgh. P-C, that *sucks.* But, the thing is, it's AWESOME that you set boundaries and enforced them. But the OTHER thing is, this reaction was 99% inevitable.

I know from my own experience that suddenly setting/enforcing boundaries with parents when *you're* an adult will PISS them off HUGE. My mom was OUTRAGED when I stopped just acquiescing to whatever manipulative thing she was trying to pull.

And the first few (or many) times, it SUCKED for me. Because I don't like having people pissed at me, even if their pissed-ness is unjustified.

But after a while, I realized that even though she was pissed, my mom didn't stop talking to me forever, didn't kick me out of the family, and eventually, she didn't keep pulling her old manipulative shit on me.

I'm fairly certain that you'll see that happening with your parents, too. Eventually. But getting there sucks massive, massive donkey dick.

But seriously -- PLEASE remember this, okay? -- what you did today? Was AWESOME. Especially because it's really, really hard to do.

Good Job,P-C for not giving in.

next you get to decided how you wish to respond when they yell over the phone. If you want to avoid these conversations - which are designed to manipulate you I'd take the "sorry I can't understand you when you yell" and hang up than not answer approach. for about 24 hours.

Remember , how you is respond is your choice. Even if you decide to see your family, it is your choice.

ION, we were at a Halloween party last night and Matt actually dressed up . He was a pirate and I was a fortune teller ( look in the bottom of everyone 's glass and see pain}. The blessings of many scarves.

But after a while, I realized that even though she was pissed, my mom didn't stop talking to me forever, didn't kick me out of the family, and eventually, she didn't keep pulling her old manipulative shit on me.

This is the case with my Girl, too, who's another one who left it very late to set boundaries of the 'No, I'm not coming home just because you have demanded it and called me a lazy ungrateful daughter when I said no' type. They haven't disowned her yet (though they do complain a fair bit).

Definitely a good start, P-C!

P-C, bravo. Remember that you can't control their response, only yours. And you did a great job. If it helps, remember while you talk that many of us (if not all) have been through it and are supporting you in email. Or on the board, whatever.

I was a fortune teller ( look in the bottom of everyone 's glass and see pain}.

Ahahahaha!

Guess who has Magic Beer in her fridge right now!

God, P-C. I'm so sorry for all the suckinesh, but you go girl (in a manly way, of course).

They do that? Seriously? That's just... weird.

It's a bit like when my English teachers at uni used to refer to all nineteenth-century literature as 'Victorian'. Eventually I developed some reading skills (and some general knowledge), and started going, dude, Regency is not Victorian, and Austen was not reading Dickens in her spare time, and there's a whole lot of contextual difference there that we should be paying some attention to. Like the Industrial Revolution. Just, you know, for fun.

YES.

These professors of yours are single-handedly destroying the good name of sociology, Shir. I'd be annoyed if I were in your position, too. (There are sociology departments where historical context is appropriately dealt with. Really, there are. They aren't just mythical constructs from a utopian dream of some kind.)

Not all of them, to their defence.

Only the major class of this year. And look, I can control my inner history geek most of the time. Like when my lecturer claimed today that Mary Wollstonecraft was the first who published a feminist text in the age of Enlightenment (let the definition of Enlightenment aside for a moment - hello? Olympe de Gouges? Somebody? 3 years before Wollstonecraft?), but. Marx was not early 20th century character (though yes, you can squeeze Weber into it, but you can't forget that he grew up in the second half of the 19th century.) The beginning of the 20th century was post the industrial age in the west. You cannot rape the scientific revolution into the 19th century, trying to explain rationality and the idea behind scientific experiments.

Sociology has a lot to say. But after sitting in these classes, hearing them bend history beyond recognition, all I want to do is some historical research and forget all about sociology. I'm thinking about talking with one of the lecturers about it, too. In some cases, I can forgive the reduction of the historical background. In other cases, I can say they're pulling it straight out of their asses. Because I haven't read the 1008 pages of this in vain.

Hey, maybe I could inform them there is a valid background in historical research of calling 1853 - 1991 "The long 20th century", but other than that (of which they don't use), there's not much between historical facts and what they teach.