Sunil, Part of that stuff was about me, my brother, and our family crap. I mean, we may always have different...posting ethics and whatnot, but you remind me of my brother(Which is not in any way a *complete* burn(grin), my brother is smart, and responsible, and a lot of other things that a sister might want her brother to be, but the things about him that push my buttons are things that you appear also to have/do.) Which might be funnier if I wasn't having similar dinner conversations on an irritatingly frequent basis. Getting it in "stereo" just felt like "Oh, HELL, no. Not here, too." Which you couldn't know, even if I hadn't just figured it out. So, dude, I'm sorry about that, and that you have a German-American doppleganger who's six-four, also not great with women, and who has a sister with a big mouth. White people family crap isn't any more fun, though, I swear. You dodged me as a big sister at least.

They still don't know we're planning a wedding.

Whoa, seriously? That's going to be exciting when they get the invitation. Or however you tell them.

My husband's family is like that and I guess it works for them, but I'll never get used to it. In my family, we might not give each other big news but it's usually because we thought we already did or didn't realize it was big news or were just that absent-minded.

Conversations like this make me really appreciate my mom and dad, I tell you what.

I could tell my dad anything. Mom, not so much. There's a lot of omission and some flat out lying. Basically, if I tell the truth, I'm going to be unhappy. If I lie, I am happy and she is happy. Works for me.

I'm pretty sure, now that I think about it, that my whole family thinks my brother is in China right now. Which he is not. We are very hit and miss with the communicating.

That's going to be exciting when they get the invitation.

Heh. Yeah. We're working out how to broach this one. Basically, The Girl said we were engaged, and their response was "Don't invite us." We've decided they don't get that get-out clause, though, 'cos we think they should have to look at an invitation and make a decision. Especially as TG's grandmother and brothers are coming.

My husband's family is like that and I guess it works for them, but I'll never get used to it.

I'm not the most tell-all person when it comes to my family, admittedly. We have great catch-up sessions where I tell them lots, but in between, I only talk to them once every couple of weeks, and they definitely don't get every detail of my life. I think some people are just more reserved about details than others with family, though. My friends, conversely, get every single moment of my life recounted in extremely dull detail. "And then I went to the shop for bread, but they didn't have wheat-free! So I had to have baked potato for lunch! It was very distressing!" etc.

I could tell my dad anything. Mom, not so much. There's a lot of omission and some flat out lying.

ETA: I could tell my dad anything, but that's as much because he doesn't so much care what we do. My mom was trickier, but we worked out some codes that made things smoother. Like, if she suggested or told me to do something and I said something to the effect of "yeah, that's an idea" or "sure, maybe I'll do that" she knew it was a dead issue, never gonna happen, but we didn't have to have the actual "no, I won't do that" conversation.

My mom says "I think that you should do X" and I say "okay" that's acknowledging that she said it, not that I'm going to do it. Sometimes she follows up with "so, are you going to do X" and I say "I'll think about it".

My mom has a hard time when people don't follow her advice. Or when she wants advice and it doesn't comport with what she thinks. She ask me what I think and I'll respond with "X". If she doesn't agree, she says "well, don't you think . . ." and I have to say "if I did, I would have said Y". I tell her all of the time "you wanted to know what I thought and I told you. You can take my advice or not, it's worth what you paid for it".

Basically, The Girl said we were engaged, and their response was "Don't invite us."

Ugh. I'm so sorry you're both having to deal with that. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am that my parents have come through the coming out/wedding/baby stuff with flying colors. I wasn't sure they would, so I'm extra proud of them. Here's hoping TG's parents come around.

we might not give each other big news but it's usually because we thought we already did

OMG, this happens with ridiculous regularity in our family. And I do it with KBD, too, which drives him bugfuck. Oops.

We've decided they don't get that get-out clause, though, 'cos we think they should have to look at an invitation and make a decision.

I think that's totally fair on your part, and may help make it "real" to them. (Did I abuse quotation marks there?)

My parents have flat out asked me not to share certain things with them. For example, drunken rugby stories. It was the one about the ref joining my team in mooning a bunch of Dookies that called us "dykes" that put them over the edge. Hey, I thought it was awesome that a straight middle-aged dude would show that kind of solidarity.

Here's the thing, though, and I don't know whether it means anything: I don't like lying. Of course I lie occasionally, but I really do not like telling blatant lies. To my parents or anyone else. I don't believe it's part of who I am, and I don't want it to be part of who I am. And being an honest, upstanding person is a component of my happiness.

If that's your definition of upstanding then you're going to have to stand up to your parents more. If you think bluntness is a virtue, then stiffen your spine because people will find it provocative. And it does no good to complain that you are only being truthful and true to yourself; there is a false kind of pride in that which is both willful and unkind. Frankly for somebody who is well attuned to the subtleties of everything he reads and watches, I find your moral stance here to be rigid and simplistic, more adolescent than adult.