Sunil--I agree with you on the lying. But you seem to want something you will never have--for your parents to be completely different people. That's not realistic and it's not respectful of them. They are never not going to want you to spend all your time with them. They are never going to not try to guilt you into doing what they want. They are never going to stop harping on your marriage. That's who they ARE. One thing I learned in therapy was to try to deal with other people as they are, instead of trying to mold them into who I thought they should be, which, I should add, is how I hope to be treated by other people.
If you don't want to lie, then you have to make boundaries and say no to them sometimes. And if you say nos, then they are going to get upset. But, you know, being upset isn't going to kill them. They won't stop trying, but saying "I am going to see college friends on Saturday" will become easier.
What you DON'T get is for them to magically become other people. And it seems like that's what you keep getting upset about.
Part of adulthood is renegotiating boundaries and expectations with your parents, and even the most reasonable ones can be a pain when it comes to that. Believe me, I know.
Man, is that ever true.
I'm so glad I have a kid now so that I don't do the annual stupidity of thinking it's a good idea for me to go on a road trip with my mom.
Part of adulthood is renegotiating boundaries and expectations with your parents, and even the most reasonable ones can be a pain when it comes to that.
Yeah, I finally got mine pretty much worked out, and then they went and died on me. What's that about?
I remember when my parents expected me to fly to their house for every holiday, family event, etc., in my young adulthood. They paid for the flights (for the most part), but they didn't get that I was a working adult who only had 2 weeks of vacation per year and didn't necessarily want to spend all of it at their house. I had to have a rather difficult conversation with them about it. But you know what? They got it. My mom even brought it up to me recently as one of the times they truly got that I was a grown up person with my own life. Part of being a grown-up is being able to have these conversations and hold your ground. Remember that we are always our Mamas' babies, even when we're old (and I'd say that goes across cultural lines). And while it can be really (really) irritating, it's also sweet and comforting sometimes.
ETA: Or what Plei said in way less words.
Where's that "Scrappy is wise" T-shirt?
You don't really have to lie, exactly. It's just that there are things your parents don't need to know. When they don't know them, they're happier and you're happier. Also, as someone pointed out up thread, "I'm going to be busy Saturday" is not a lie. It's just not the whole truth. I don't like lying, mostly because, as Mark Twain said, the truth is easier to remember, but I don't see any reason to add to someone's unhappiness when I'm going to continue to do things they don't like.
Mark Twain had another thought, in "On the Decay of the Art of Lying:"
An injurious truth has no merit over an injurious lie. Neither should ever be uttered. The man who speaks an injurious truth, lest his soul be not saved if he do otherwise, should reflect that that sort of a soul is not strictly worth saving.
(I'm not implying you're being injurious, P-C. It's just another way to think about the truth.)
