Shir, is your sister at home now?

She is!

(I call home both to my place in Jerusalem and to my parents' place. I know it's confusing, but they both homes to me, though in different ways. My sister, of course, is in my parents' home - which is why I don't get to see her now. Are we on the same page now, or did I explain something you didn't get confused about?)

That's an excellent list, bonny. I've saved it and will print it out for Emmett in five years.

Interesting that you think "embracing their dark side" is a prerequisite for a relationship. How did you come to that conclusion?

(Not that I disagree, I'm just curious.)

I also think that Laura's point would be a useful addition. It's a key component of what a marriage researcher pointed out on TAL - that the main measurable factor in whether a relationship will survive or not is simply the level of contempt present in discussions. You'd think it would be the obverse - respect. But people don't need signs of respect as much as they need no signs of contempt. At least according to the studies that were cited in the piece.

I realized that my prize is the absence of drama

Which is very precious. Of course, there are teh kind of people who believe their lives should be non-stop drama from birth to grave, but they're the ones who have an address book on their iPhone labeled Exes I Still Talk To.

"embracing their dark side"

I see that as admitting that they could do bad things and not be insisting that they're always happy-perky people.

Of course, there are teh kind of people who believe their lives should be non-stop drama from birth to grave

I was raised by a mother who craves drama, and would create it if none were organically present. And so that's what I came to expect from my life -- if there were no drama, then Something Was Wrong.

I. HATE. Fucking. DRAMA. Hate it. It took a LOT of hard work to figure out why I considered it "normal" (because if you *want* drama, oh, you're gonna get it -- there's lots to choose from), why it made me miserable, and that I could choose to live drama-free.

It's still REALLY hard, some days, to not create drama just to shake things up. I'll find myself missing the endless drama of my college circle and immediate post-college years, and wonder why. Yes, because I was raised that way, it feels familiar to me. Yes, for a long time it was all I knew.

But in the end it's a lousy way to live. It's a poor substitute for satisfying relationships. And some days I just have to remind myself -- vehemently -- of that.

Bonny, I like the list. The only thing that required a re-read was the kid part. Maybe a way to make it a little clearer? It might also be 4 hours of sleep and still a bit gronkified, so I ask others if it took a couple "huh's". I knew what you were saying, but at first it looked out of kilter.

Stepped away for a client. Hang on, this will be a long one:

Great list bonny. You would have better wording, but I would add the ability to strongly disagree with civility and respect.

Good one. I need to think about the language, but basically, “Can fight fair and see conflict as a constructive tool.”

That's an excellent list, bonny. I've saved it and will print it out for Emmett in five years.

I would be honored. And I’m really proud of that kind of parenting!

It seems that a lot of things kids hear about what their parents want from the kids’ relationships fall under the categories of 1) Don’t make me uncomfortable and 2) Follow convention (whether social or familial) so that you…see 1)

Of course, most parental advice is firmly planted in wanting to keep the child safe, but it hinges on exactly WHAT is being protected.

Interesting that you think "embracing their dark side" is a prerequisite for a relationship. How did you come to that conclusion?

The short answer is that is saves a lot of time and trouble. The longer story involves authenticity and how recognizing and accepting who you really are makes for a more fulfilling relationship and, by extension, a more fulfilled life. Rather than battling our ‘demons’, if we can learn to integrate them by eliminating tolerations, changing what makes sense to change and managing what can’t, then we can spend our time on more important stuff.

For example, I have mentioned here before a couple a know who are both unrepentant brats. They love their comfort and demand a high level of ‘pampering’ in a way that other folks might see as selfish or childish or simply unachievable. Because they each understand and embrace that about themselves their union will last forever. There is no judgment. There is only strategy.

Does that make sense?

I also think that Laura's point would be a useful addition. It's a key component of what a marriage researcher pointed out on TAL - that the main measurable factor in whether a relationship will survive or not is simply the level of contempt present in discussions. You'd think it would be the obverse - respect. But people don't need signs of respect as much as they need no signs of contempt. At least according to the studies that were cited in the piece.

Malcolm Gladwell used this concept in “Blink”. And I’ve certainly seen it in my practice. Where contempt and derision exist, there is no fertile ground. Nothing grows but the contempt and derision. Now, some of the chaos/drama lovers among us (the gen pop…not us us) thrive on that behavior. If that floats yer boat, I say go for it…but…and this speaks to the dark side issue…KNOW that it is a choice that you are making and make peace with that. In other words, if you love misery, then do yourself a favor and enjoy it!

I have worked with one couple who were able to make that leap and are going strong. The awareness didn’t make them nicer at all, it just made them a stronger team in their disrespect. Sort of like ‘the devil you know.’

I see that as admitting that they could do bad things and not be insisting that they're always happy-perky people.

This too. I’m ever so clear about my emotional state all the time. You never, ever have to guess where you stand with me. Which means, when I’m pissed, I’ll let you know that…and I’ll take responsibility for my response as being my own.

For example, there are certain behaviors that just shake my tree. That does not make you a bad person for exhibiting them (unless we are talking about my very short list of deal breakers), it makes me a person who is responsible for feeling the way I do about them. This way, we both get to make an educated decision about how to deal or not deal with it.

Not every problem can be solved. But every problem can be understood and/or recognized for what it is.

Rather than battling our ‘demons’, if we can learn to integrate them by eliminating tolerations, changing what makes sense to change and managing what can’t, then we can spend our time on more important stuff.

I had a tagline from a play my sister was in: "Embrace your demons; some of them may be deities in disguise." It speaks very clearly to how I try to live my life.

Where contempt and derision exist, there is no fertile ground. Nothing grows but the contempt and derision. Now, some of the chaos/drama lovers among us (the gen pop…not us us) thrive on that behavior.

Arrrrrgh! Bonny, I don't WANT more personal growth!!!!!

Okay, that reaction is actually NOT a gripe towards bonny -- I read what you said [the part I quoted] and realized that I have MASSIVE contempt for my 2 bosses, who I find very difficult to deal with. And the result is misery for me.

I *totally* didn't link that to my old, ingrown need for drama.

Me = don't want drama, emphatically so. Therefore, I need to try to change the contempt for bosses to something different.

Dang it. More work.

(In all seriousness, thank you for pointing that out. Because I don't want the drama. And if it's coming in any way from *my* attitude toward them, I want to stop it at the source.)

There is no judgment. There is only strategy.

Ah. So that explains one man's wife who exercised no judgment and spent the $30,000 he earned over the summer in Alaska and his only strategy of not thinking about it so he didn't kill her.