Oh, shit, Tep, that sounds excruciating. I'm vibing for any decent resolution that's possible; you've been hit with a truly unjust share of emotional and physical ills lately, and it's time for some good thing to break your way.

During one of my panic attacks (a couple of weeks ago, pre-back-pain), I was weeping and apologizing to The Boy for my weepiness, and he told me that I don't cry *nearly* as often as other women.

Now, I'm not sure how wide of a sample he's basing that on, but I generally think he's right; I tend to cry only when I'm frustrated or my heart is broken.

The pain I'm having right now is so bad that all I can do is weep uncontrollably; between yesterday and today, I think I've had about 10 full-on (fully deserved) crying jags.

I asked The Boy this morning if all my back-pain-related crying was making up for my general lack of crying. (He said no, that I still had a huge deficit to make up.)

I'm so angry with myself, because I think this was all caused by my stupid idea of running at the gym 2 weeks ago. I just keep thinking, if only I could go back and NOT run, if only I could take it back, if only I could go back to that point in time and just walk around the track, or ride the bike, or even go home.

I know we have to live with the consequences of our choices, whether they're bad or good, but oh my god. I can't believe I deserve *this* kind of pain just for running.

Oh, I *love* that transcript. HAHAHAHAH. And I love Rahm. Love.

Do feel very bad for Teppy though. :(

Damn, Teppy. That just sucks.

Anne, right now I'm wearing the socks you knitted for me when I had my surgery 5 years ago. Every time I put them on, I think of you. And when I put them on last night, I hoped they'd work some mystical sock-fu, but as of yet they have not.

Still, it makes me happy to have them on my feets.

Oh Teppy. I'm so sorry. Please try not to blame youself, though. You'll never know for sure what triggered it, and even if the running was a factor, there's just no point in beating youself up more than your poor body is already beaten. By all means get thee to the hospital where there is painkiller and professional help, and keep in touch.

Please try not to blame youself, though. You'll never know for sure what triggered it, and even if the running was a factor, there's just no point in beating youself up more than your poor body is already beaten.

I can't help it, though. I keep bargaining (in my head) with God, the universe, or whoever, that if only the pain would go away or even diminish, that I'd do ANYTHING -- go back to church, work at a soup kitchen -- anything.

And of course the pain hasn't gone away, so at least I don't have to keep my end of the bargaining.

So then I keep thinking if I could just go back in time and not do that one thing, that one little thing, I could prevent this. And I know I'm thinking that because I have no control over this pain right now, and I'd do anything to control it, so the mental bargaining is all I've got.

And in the interim while I was typing this entry, the doctor on call got ahold of me and said I should go to the ER. Damn it.

I'm sorry the socks can't do more to make things better. Ah, well.

I hope the ER can get things sorted out for you. Fingers are crossed.

In other news, I have one mini fruitcake (sans nuts) left in need of a home.

Teppy, tons of ~ma your way. I hope the hospital does good by you and right quick. I wonder, since you are the poster child for them, does this count as warranty coverage or something? Maybe give you the executive suite at the hospital? Seriously, get better soon.

Teppy, if it's just an inflamed muscle group that's pushed nerves around or a pissed-off disc, a cortisone shot may do the job. Hubby's had lots of those--before the insurance company accepted that the X-rays did indeed show fractured vertebra--and they're miraculous.