Drink a nice hot cup of tea. It cures everything.

How can a food delivery place not be open on Monday? We're going to go eat at the restaurant instead, but I wanted to not go outside again.

My "live chat" window with AT&T:

Elle: I'm sorry for the delay. I'll be right with you.

Elle: I will be right with you.

Elle: Thank you for waiting. I'll be with you in just a moment.

Elle: I will be right with you.

Elle: I'm sorry for the delay. I'll be right with you.

Elle: Thank you for waiting. I'll be with you in just a moment.

Elle: I will be right with you.

Elle: I'm sorry for the delay. I'll be right with you.

Elle: Thank you for waiting. I'll be with you in just a moment.

Elle: Thank you for waiting. I'll be with you in just a moment.

Elle: I'm sorry for the delay. I'll be right with you.

Elle: I will be right with you.

Elle: I'm sorry for the delay. I'll be right with you.

you: Your protestations are beginning to ring a little hollow.

Elle: I will be right with you.

Elle: Thank you for waiting. I'll be with you in just a moment.

Elle: I will be right with you.

Elle: Thank you for waiting. I'll be with you in just a moment.

Elle: I'm sorry for the delay. I'll be right with you.

Elle: I will be right with you.

Live chat? Still dead.

OK. I cannot stop laughing.

I have a book called Single Jewish Female. Subtitle: "A Modern Guide to Sex and Dating." Someone got it for me a while ago, and it's just been sitting on my shelf since then. I just picked it up and started flipping through it. This book is ridiculous.

There's a section on how to tell if a guy is Jewish. (Step 1: find out his last name. If it's something that be either Jewish or not, ask, "Oh, is that German?" If you still can't figure it out, try asking, "What's your favorite holiday?")

There's another section that's pretty much entirely, "Be nice." If a guy hits on you and you're not interested, don't just ignore him or turn away.

Then there's a section on Jewish laws and ethics and attitudes about sex, which is really simplified, but I supposed I can't ask much from a single chapter in a book with the title printed in pink and purple.

And then there's the chapter on dating non-Jews. Some discussion of issues that seem like they might be reasonable things to think about. And then a page and a half that's essentially, "Don't freak out if the gentile you're dating has a foreskin."

This book is insane.

"What's your favorite holiday?"

What does the Fourth of July tell you?

A page and a half on the foreskin? Wow. Does anyone, no matter how used they are to the circumcised, need that much info on it? Couple of paragraphs and a diagram, I can see.

For the rest, maybe a cautionary, "Like other male junk, Gentile or Jewish, watch the teeth, use lube and have a safe word! Shalom!"

Ginger, I'm glad the dyeing went well. I went with a new to me Feria red and it is SUPER bright, and I am ecstatic about it!

Somewhere in my keepsakes is a sheet of notebook paper with two illustrations of penises, one erect and one flaccid captioned "an uncircumcised penis for Liz". In highschool I had told my friend Drew I had no idea what an uncircumcised penis might look like so he took it upon himself to enlighten me. I told him I would treasure it forever and I have.

There may be an up side to being on live chat forever. The CSR now feels very guilty and is going out of her way to try to fix my complicated problem.

I am trying to go from two lines to one line, but the line that rings on all my phones will not connect with DSL and the phone company at some point got my second number listed as my primary number and it's a giant clusterfuck. I expect at some point my access to the internet will get screwed up. Trying to save money is hard work.

augh my sister doesn't want brussels sprouts, yams or rutabagas on Thursday. I'm mashing one rutabaga and bringing it with me anayway.

Em and Joe are watching Toy Story 2 for the millionth time this week. And yet, every time they play that song about Jessie's asshat owner (yes - I judge the cartoon girl. and?), I tear up. And then, I want to go hug all of my stuffed animals and dolls that are at my mother's house. Every single one since I was 2.

A dude just walked by with a pastel dreadlocked mohawk.