This just hurts so much.
I'm so sorry you are hurting, Tep, and that you've been going through these things recently. It really sounds like you are doing everything you can. I'm sure he knows you think he is amazing. There has been so much good advice posted. Know we are all here for you.
{{{{{Tep}}}}}
Poor DH had to deal with my pain from my previous marriages. He was incredibly patient and a wonderful listener. He has had to listen to so many stories about them.
This is me. DH and I are both divorced. My previous marriages (DH is #3) were a total failure. I had married a beater and then a cheater. DH's ex just wasn't a good match for him.
For DH, most of the stories he has heard haven't particularly been good. He has patiently listened to the horror of memories that resurface from time to time. His love and comfort have gone a long way in helping me heal.
DH had gotten rid of most of his wedding photos by the time we met. He kept the ones with his mom, his grandmother and his friends. I've seen them but they mostly just stay tucked away by his choice. I have my albums and he has seen them. His would rather not look at them again as he gets upset about the way my ex's treated me. For me, they are a record of who I was and how far I've come.
I have guilt over my divorces and the marriages themselves. There were times I really blamed myself for what happened. The feelings of failure are difficult, too.
DH has been a patient rock. We've been married for 10.5 years now. While things haven't always been easy, they have definitely been worth it.
I just feel...unsure, like showing me his wedding pictures (happiest day of his life, etc.) just underlines the fact that *he* feels like his divorce was a massive failure, and my presence -- being Not The Wife -- is a constant reminder of that failure.
Has he ever said it was the happiest day of his life? That's the fairy tale princess theory, but I don't know many people who really thought it was. There's too much stress and too much family drama. When I look at my wedding pictures, I feel wistful that I couldn't magically make it work, that I didn't try to get my ex help earlier, and, often at the same time, sorry I didn't have the foresight to bail earlier, before I was caught in a financial and personal meltdown of epic proportions. I doubt I'll ever have the chance to apply the things I think I learned from that, but it sounds like the Boy is aware of his mistakes and really wants to do better with you, which should be a plus in the long run.
I'm afraid I am clueless like the Boy, and I probably would have pulled out wedding pictures just because I thought you'd be interested. This may be why I'm unlikely to be in another relationship. My wedding photos [link] are also useful to make people glad the '70s are behind us.
But then what do I *do*? What do *I* do? This just hurts so much.
You are doing great giving The Boy and your mother what they need by not freaking out on them over the things they are doing that are Not Really About You and yet hurt you. But you clearly need some emotional validation from them to assuage the pain you are feeling. It doesn't take a genius to guess that The Boy is the most likely candidate for supplying that. Can you simply ask him, "At this moment, I feel inadequate, so I need you to shower me with compliments, please." Or some other simple statement of what you need from him?
Have I mentioned how great your billboard picture is? Does this make me one or two degrees away from a billboard?
I tell you what, if you say to him some of the lovely things you've posted about him here, then I bet that helps to reassure him that he is clearly not a failure at relationships.
If a least a part of you gets that really, it is all about him, than that is what you do. On Mondays I usually clean the house. and matt always thanks me for it. I think that is bizarre. It has to be done so I do it. But partly, he wants it known that he isn't taking me for grant it. And I learned form him that these causal compliments and thanks you -- do a lot to remind someone that they are important to you. Funnily, he has had to learn that one thank you or one " this is really tasty" is all I need-- and if he goes on tooo much he might get sarcastic replies instead.
O frabjous day--our local grocery is now stocking Malteasers. Malteasers, the finest candy known to man! I fear I will never lose any more weight from this day forward, but it is so totally worth it.
I'm just hoping we don't disagree on the proper way to clean the bathroom.
My roommates and I agree that the proper way to clean the bathroom is to hire someone.
Malteasers, the finest candy known to man!
are they malted milk balls?
these causal compliments and thanks you -- do a lot to remind someone that they are important to you.
thirded
They are malted milk balls--only they make other MMBs taste like styrofoam.
p://www.maltesers.com/did-you-know/
