Oops. Didn't mean to be a threadkill!

Motivation~ma d. Hey, we figured out a way to make the upstairs room cooler.

I feel like I just got hit by a 2 x 4. And I can't stop crying. And I'm eating cold leftover spaghetti with no sauce and thinking I might barf.

Also, I really really REALLY REALLY please do NOT need Craigslist links.

You know how my office is going to 10-hour days? *I* won't be, because my hours (and, correspondingly, paycheck) just got cut back to 32 hours a week.

Let's ignore for the moment the part where I was hired lo these many years ago as a salaried employee, so I don't understand how they can "cut me back" to 32 hours (and give me a corresponding pay cut). I'm not hourly, have never been *told* I was hourly, but TPTB treat everyone as hourly when it suits their purposes.

Anyway, I can't think about that right now.

Three months ago I got pulled into a meeting about how I "wasn't working fast enough." I was never given specific benchmarks for how much work I should have been completing, although, to be fair, I didn't follow up and demand said benchmarks.

So today I got pulled into a meeting with Incompetent!boss, mean!sort-of boss, Big!Boss, and Big!Boss's daughter (who is our entire HR department).

Incompetent!boss told me I still wasn't working fast enough, mean!sort-of boss told me that I wasn't doing a good enough job on the things I *was* completing, and Big!Boss and his daughter just....listened.

Incompetent!boss told me that I was being cut back to 32 hours, which is going to be really obvious next week when everyone is working 10-hour days. WTF am I supposed to tell people? "Work harder, or they'll cut your hours, too?"

The idea, from what I can tell, is that because I wasn't completing enough work in 40 hours, cutting me back to 32 is somehow going to...make me...get MORE work....done. (?) No, it doesn't make sense to me, either.

But mean!sort-of boss even said "We expect you to get as much done in 32 hours as you've been doing in 40, and you really need to do even more than that."

Because THAT'S fair, and makes ALL kinds of sense.

And she said that in front of Big!Boss and his daughter, who didn't seem to have a problem with the insane troll logic.

I asked if we could set a date to re-visit my performance and assess whether I could go back to 40 hours, and mean!sort-of boss said, "Well, we realized that we were getting things done on time even with your lack of input, so we probably don't need you for 40 hours any more."

Hand to god, she said that. In front of Big!Boss.

Mean!sort-of boss also said that I obviously wasn't editing thoroughly because I didn't track my changes in Word. I replied with the fact that SHE TOLD ME NOT TO, SEVERAL TIMES. Her reply? "Well, it doesn't matter, because when I look over the manuscript, I can just tell that you didn't do much to it."

Hand to god, again, she said that, in front of Big!Boss.

It was a no-win situation, because there was no way I could argue back without looking like a baby. What could I say? "Oh, you can just *magically* TELL by looking at a Word doc that doesn't have changes tracked?" That would make me look like an asshole. It's TRUE, because what she said IS bullshit -- if I didn't track changes, how can she seriously tell *everything* that I did and didn't change?

But it doesn't matter that it's true, because it would still make me look like a petty asshole who's grasping at straws.

My problem, of course, is that now I'm only getting paid for 32 hours a week (despite being hired as a salaried employee), and I can handle the pay cut for a couple of months *IF* I know that I'd go back to 40 hours. I can't do 32 hours indefinitely.

My one and only saving grace is Big!Boss's daughter. After the meeting, I talked to her privately just to double-check some HR things, like, does docking my hours mean my benefits are going to be decreased? (No.)

She's very much on my side, and said that she doesn't see any reason why -- assuming I bring my work back in line with some invisible benchmark -- I wouldn't go back to 40 hours after a couple of months.

And I brought up what mean!sort-of boss said, (continued...)

( continues...) that they "don't need" me for 40 hours, and that if that's true, I need to make a living and a 32-hour/week paycheck isn't going to cut it indefinitely.

I *think* she'll go to bat for me, or at least point out all the flawed logic.

Like I said, I'm really really REALLY upset. And angry as hell. And also embarassed and ashamed. And a little scared.

I'm angry at all the bullshit that seems designed to make me (or allow me to) fail, like telling me to not track changes when I edit but then telling me that I don't make enough changes. And not providing me with benchmarks for just how much work is "enough" but then busting me for not getting "enough" work done.

I'm embarassed and ashamed because, well, getting one's hours cut back due to perceived incompetence (rather than the company's economics) is really fucking embarassing.

And I'm a little scared that I won't be able to go back to 40 hours because of the Catch-22 above: if I *don't* get enough work done in 32 hours, they just fire me; if I *do* get enough work done, it proves that they only need me for 32 hours.

And correspondingly scared that if I look for a new job, I won't ever find one. Or I *will* find one, a great one, but Incompetent!boss will give me a horrible reference, like, "She works slowly and doesn't get things finished on time," and I won't get the job.

I was so so SO ashamed to come home and tell Tim that my hours got cut. Because, how do I mention THAT in a way that makes him continue to be glad to be dating me? How can he be proud of someone who just got her hours (and salary) cut for apparent incompetence?

So I sat and cried and cried and cried to him, and I finally said, "I can't even imagine what you think of a loser like me right now."

He said, "I think you have 2 douchebags for bosses, is what."

So, my plan for Monday is this: ask Boss's daughter to facilitate a meeting ASAP with the douchebags (I want her there as a witness) to find out what, exactly, are the benchmarks they feel I should be meeting. Fool me once, etc.

Also, to start putting out feelers for a new job. As well as to ask friends who recently got new jobs HOW they went about the fine art of negotiating salary/vacation/etc., because I haven't done this in 13 years. And I don't want to go from 3 weeks of vacation back down to 1 week, unless I absolutely must.

You know, we're supposed to go up to the park in my nabe tonight for the July 4th Weekend extravaganza with the freak show fire breathers, actual sideshow acts, and burlesque dancers. And I'm just not feeling it. I mean, I can't stop crying, for one. And I don't want company, for another.

I know I *should* rally and go up there, and that it would be likely to make me feel better, but I don't know. I loathe crowds, and under the best circumstances I manage to tolerate them. I don't know how I'd do tonight, especially given that, as I said, I can't stop crying.

Also, we're supposed to meet a bunch of people there, and they're people I like well enough, but who I don't *know* in a deeper-than-acquaintance way, and I don't want to burst into tears in front of them. Or, really, deal with what I know will be their (quite reasonable) exuberance and jollity. I don't WANT exuberance and jollity. I just want Ativan and bourbon. (Fortunately I have only the former, not the latter.)

I don't know. I might go up, but I'm having a hard time convincing myself that it will be fun. I'm trying to respect my needs a lot better than I have in the past, and I think I need to curl up in a fetal position and cry.

Next week, tomorrow even, I can be proactive about setting my life to rights (hell, this might just be a goddamn blessing in disguise; maybe it's time to move on and re-define myself). But tonight I feel like I took a sucker-punch to the gut and I just want to lick my wounds.

Steph, I'm not even sure "douchebag" adequately describes your bosses. That's beyond shitty, and none of it makes sense.

Oh Steph. I'm so sorry. That just sucks. I think The Boy is completely right, though:

So I sat and cried and cried and cried to him, and I finally said, "I can't even imagine what you think of a loser like me right now."

He said, "I think you have 2 douchebags for bosses, is what."

This sounds like their issue, not yours. Not that that helps much, but fwiw, I think it sounds like they are idiots who don't have a clue what you actually do.

{{{Steph}}} Rant all you need to.

Dammit, Steph. Those asswipes have no business managing other people. They are utter crap at it.

They have treated you appallingly unfairly, and you have every right to rant, vent, cry, and avoid crowds you'd rather not be in.

They're FUCKTARDS, Steph. Bosses do this kind of thing because they can, for reasons that usually have no basis in reasonable behavior or expectations. You are NOT incompetent, and Boy deserves all sorts of hugs for his incredibly RIGHT reaction.

I know this hurts, because something like this always does, and a gut punch is exactly what it feels like. But please believe this is NOT a reflection on you at all. If you need to curl up and cry and sleep tonight, do that! And rant here all you like.

God, I hate people. Especially boss-type people who behave like FUCKTARDS.

Oh my GOD, Steph. That sounds incredibly douchebaggy of them. And not at ALL like a thing of you, but more like "We think that we can get away with asking you to do more for less pay, so we're going to do it" Which is not on you, but on them. They are ASSHOLES.

I think this is a massive case of "CYA as much as you possibly can and use those extra 8 hours a week to look for a new job". Sounds perfect to me! (The only inconvenient part being that now you have someone you love making it slightly less convenient for us to give you links to jobs in DC or San Fran or NYC!)

This sounds like their issue, not yours. Not that that helps much, but fwiw, I think it sounds like they are idiots who don't have a clue what you actually do.

All I wanted to say was, "I've only been back from vacation for 3 days! What did you think I'd have completed in that time?" But then, of course this meeting wasn't based on just the past 3 days; I'm sure it was a-brewin' while I was gone.

Tim said that, to a paranoid person, it might sound like they were positioning me to eventually push me out.

I said, "Not just to a paranoid person."

I don't think that Big!Boss and his daughter are trying to push me out -- they're weird, but that's something that they would never do; if they wanted to fire someone, they'd do it outright -- but I honestly wouldn't put it past Mean!sort-of boss. She's gotten nothing but meaner and nastier and more backstabby over the years.

Now. *Do* I slack off at work? Yes. And more than I should, some days. I'm too quick to turn to the Interbunny for entertainment when what I'm editing gets boring.

I'm not trying to pretend that I'm 100% wronged and they don't recognize my workaholic ways. I know I loaf, and sometimes it's too much.

But I still think that they have a MASSIVE perception problem. (Not to mention a MASSIVE die, bitch, die problem with mean!sort-of boss.)

Toke the cat is consoling me by lying full-length on my Buffy comic book. I think it makes her feel close to me without sitting ON me. (Although, as I was typing this, she rolled over and looked to see what I was doing. But apparently it wasn't interesting, because she rolled back over and resumed sleeping.)