Body Image Demons DO suck. I hate mine. And they've been mostly quiet lately thanks to the twin wonders of Weight Watchers working for me AND modern pharmacology. (Celexa is, for me, a wonder drug, and I really wish I had been smart enough to talk to my doctor about some of my issues earlier.)

Allyson, I don't know you and have never had an interactive dialogue with you, though I've been reading what you've had to say for quite some time now.

Even without knowing you in any personal sense, I feel as though I like you a whole lot. You're incredibly charismatic and personable in text, and I assume, in life as well. The more I like a person, the more attractive I find them over time and I find the inverse to be true as well. My point is that I'm sure most people share my opinion of you and in finding your personality to be so attractive, see you as such.

Additionally, I'm sure you're gorgeous. But this is irrelevant to me. I've also spent so much of my energy on wasteful self loathing and critisism over time and comparing myself to others. What I realized is that in equating my physical self worth with my overall self worth and examining the qualities of others, the perception that ALWAYS wins out is the sense of character I feel regarding a person.

The revelation this has resulted in is that beauty really does come from within and shines throughout. This doesn't mean that I'm always able to practice what I preach and apply it to myself... But I try to. I hope you can too, as I know, without really knowing you that your beauty undoubtedly radiates from you in all ways.

{{{{Allyson}}}} I'm so glad you've come here to talk to us and share your feelings. It's holding them in that does the most damage. I'm also sorry our reassurance can't help you, but you are doing the best thing possible for yourself with therapy and by being honest with us. It's one more reason for us to feel honored to know you, that we make you feel that safe. You have all my heartfelt wishes that this struggle inside youself diminishes and you find yourself believing in your success and self-worth the way we do.

Allyson, I don't know if it will mean anything coming from me, but I disagree with your demons on every count in the most strident way possible. You are very smart, wicked funny, and very attractive and easy on the eyes.

You're right, Allyson, there is no switch. You learned ways of thinking from your damaged mom that are incorrect and those ways of thinking are hurting you now. From having two alcoholic parents I learned that I was not only supposed to be perfect and happy, but to make everyone else happy ALL THE TIME. Their depression and alcoholism was all my fault. I was about your age when I finally went into therapy and I learned to see that definition of who I was not as truth, but as something I learned, and that with work I could learn a new way.

With work, you will see that your mother's definition for you is just that, HERS. You can disentangle it from your psyche and recognize it not as truth but as her problem. When I was doing that work in therapy it was huge and seemed impossible, and i remember I kept having horrendous dreams of murdering my parents several times a week for months. But I came through the other side and I feel confident you will too. You don't have to change who you are at all. Who you are is wonderful--you just have to learn that this person's vision of who you are is flawed and useless to you. (Tom, too)

It's not a decision, like breaking up with an idea and just saying, "I'm just going to put all of this shit in a box and send it back to the original owner and get on with my life."

Would that there were. I'd all for putting psychiatrists out of business that way. On the flip side, though, even if it doesn't penetrate to your gut, do you on any other level know that what said wasn't true?

ALLYSON! EEEEEE, bats! And I've heard about that novel and was curious about it! Thank you very very much.

Oh, and Perkins says that she wishes she had her camera with her, because she would have taken pictures of my gleeface. According to her and Cass, it was adorable.

(Bats!)

It was beyond adorable even.

Allyson, I want to thank you for taking the risk you just did by revealing your painful history with your mom. In all the time I have known you and in the few times you and I have spent time together in person, I have rarely--if ever--heard you talk about yourself. You've talked about work or your book or writing and your friends, but you are essentially a very private person. You may not be able to flip a switch and leave that pain behind, but the fact that you openly shared the source of your pain was incredibly courageous, and I feel privileged to know you that much better.

So many people in thread have offered such words of wisdom and love and encouragement already. Try, if you can, to hear them. Let me echo Plei:

Allyson, you're right, there is no switch. Just an uphill battle to retrain your brain. But over here on the sidelines, I will offer what I can, which is mostly pompoms and psychic Gatorade or something.

You are worth the struggle.

And Tom, you know I have your back, right? I'm so sorry that this journey has been so long and so painful, and I know sometimes it feels endless. It hurts my heart to think that you and Allyson--two of the most intelligent, generous, and sparkling souls I know--struggle with these demons. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I will see you in Madison, right? Consider your hug pending.

I won't hug Allyson (I know you're not a hugger), and I feel useless in some ways being in LA when you already have such an incredible cadre of friends here, but the offer for distraction or long conversation stands.

(Also, might I add how appropriate our thread title seems right now?)