I have been single for so long I don't know how I'd react if someone did express any interest. I spent so long thinking that being overweight = undesireable that I didn't even make any attempt to try to meet anyone.

The whole singleness is a big, thorny topic for me. I'm not sure I want to be in a long-term relationship, but I hate that I've gotten here by default.

gronk. Dear jebus this is early.

Gah. I have to run off to the Deco Fair in a few minutes, but I just want to stay here and alternately hug and cluestick everyone. You are all astonishing, wonderful, creative, whip-smart, big-hearted, fiercely loyal and graceful and delicious persons, and that includes physically. Not everyone here lines up perfectly with Western beauty standards, but holy fuck, y'all are beautiful anyway.

(Digression: Not to mention that NOBODY lines up perfectly with Western beauty standards; when you've got drop-dead gorgeous movie stars struggling with anorexia and bulimia and an ad world that can insist that fucking Clive Owen be Photoshopped because he isn't good enough as is, you have one seriously fucked-up set of beauty standards that clearly no flesh-and-blood human can possibly meet, and which none of us should set our self-worth by. Ever.)

The guy I was hung up on before Hec? Looked deep into my eyes and said, "You're beautiful and smart and funny and interesting and we share a faith and a set of values that mean more to me than anything, and I know objectively that The Chick Over There is very average-looking and backstabby and has broken the hearts of half the men I know, but I feel really drawn to her. When she smashes me to pieces and I've pulled myself back together, I know you're exactly the kind of person I will want to marry, and if I come knocking on your door I'll have a ring in my pocket. But for now, I feel compelled. I must pursue Ugly Backstabby Heartbreaker. Goodbye."

It's not fair. It's not sane. It has absolutely nothing to do with what you look like or who you are or any damn thing but...I don't even know what. Random chemical things going on in the mind and body of the person you desire, over which you have no control. It's not a judgment by the universe on your worth. It's utterly fucking random, and it sucks that there's so much joy and pain and misery and public judgment tied to something so random. But, dammit, there isn't a person here who isn't richly worthy of the good side of all of it, and I don't know why it hasn't already happened for everyone here, except that it doesn't have a damn thing to do with the intrinsic worth or attractiveness of anyone here. Dammit.

Bah. Must go now. Love everyone here, and make out with all of you. Ferociously.

On a lighter note

Now maybe I'll get out of bed, or should i say off the couch.

Suzi, you will be happy to know that Matilda is rapidly turning onto an A's fan.

We went to an A's game last night and Emmett went to the fun zone and won a prize. It was a hand puppet of the A's elephant mascot, Stomper. Matilda immediately claimed it as her own and called it her baby. (Amych will be interested to know that Matilda has also claimed my Wonder Woman action figure as her baby.)

Also she woke up this morning and wanted to put on the A's jacket you gave her (K-Bug's old jacket). She's wearing it right now.

And in the final note of my Matilda Report: Cognitive Breakthrough!

We were walking to the corner cafe this morning and she saw a motorscooter and identified as she usually does: "Zum!"

But then she saw two motorscooters parked together and got excited and said: "Zum! One! Two!"

20 months seems pretty young for counting. Clearly a genius.

Aw, Hec, that's so awesome!

Also she woke up this morning and wanted to put on the A's jacket you gave her (K-Bug's old jacket).

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! You have melted me. Pictures?

But then she saw two motorscooters parked together and got excited and said: "Zum! One! Two!"

is slain

But then she saw two motorscooters parked together and got excited and said: "Zum! One! Two!"

Ded.

Pictures?

Actually she wore it to the game last night and somebody from the Oakland Tribune took pictures of her wearing it. I should check their website.