She growls?! You made her so she growls?!

Buffy ,'Get It Done'


The Great Write Way, Act Three: Where's the gun?

A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.


Connie Neil - Jan 27, 2011 6:57:29 am PST #3962 of 6690
brillig

I like that, it focuses on the peril and the solution.


Gudanov - Jan 27, 2011 8:00:31 am PST #3963 of 6690
Coding and Sleeping

Thanks.


Laga - Jan 27, 2011 8:33:16 am PST #3964 of 6690
You should know I'm a big deal in the Resistance.

I like knowing who set the events in motion. And the assassin character is intriguing.


Seska (the Watcher-in-Training) - Jan 27, 2011 9:57:24 am PST #3965 of 6690
"We're all stories, in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?"

That's looking great, Gud.


hippocampus - Jan 27, 2011 2:29:39 pm PST #3966 of 6690
not your mom's socks.

Good stuff Gud!


Deena - Jan 27, 2011 4:08:16 pm PST #3967 of 6690
How are you me? You need to stop that. Only I can be me. ~Kara

I love that. The only quibble I have (and should have said sooner) is "Humanity teeters on the brink"

Could you reword that so it's not a cliche? I can't actually think of a way, but I think it would be a good thing.


Gudanov - Jan 27, 2011 5:13:33 pm PST #3968 of 6690
Coding and Sleeping

Thanks, all.

Maybe:

Humanity, hunted by demons and a savage race called the Fari, huddles within the mystical barriers that protect the few remaining cities. A mad priest threatens their survival when he reawakens the ancient power of the Dead Mountain to bring forth an apocalyptic battle.

I'm also trying to reword:

Her only help is an assassin: a woman with a tongue as sharp as her knives who once nearly killed her.

It doesn't seem to flow that well to me.


Typo Boy - Jan 27, 2011 8:18:48 pm PST #3969 of 6690
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.

Her only help is an assassin with a tongue as sharp as her knives. Dare Aimee trust the woman who once nearly killed her?


Deena - Jan 27, 2011 11:22:49 pm PST #3970 of 6690
How are you me? You need to stop that. Only I can be me. ~Kara

Maybe we need to know why the assassin nearly killed her? I mean, it wasn't like a car accident. It was deliberate. Or maybe we don't need to know the assassin tried to kill her before.

Her only help is an untrustworthy assassin, a woman with a tongue as sharp as her knives.

I'd be intrigued by untrustworthy without having pesky questions about why the woman almost killed our heroine.

eta: otherwise, I like Gar's version, except "Dare she..." is a bit fantasy cliche too.

Also, I would remove the word "However" in the middle. That always strikes me as academic writing, or awkward, anyway.


Gudanov - Jan 28, 2011 5:42:59 am PST #3971 of 6690
Coding and Sleeping

Humanity, hunted by demons and a savage race called the Fari, huddles within the mystical barriers that protect the few remaining cities. A mad priest threatens their survival when he reawakens the ancient power of the Dead Mountain to bring forth an apocalyptic battle.

Aimee Fallon, a sheltered creator of magical gadgets, discovers a mysterious artifact—the key to stopping the Mountain’s magic—and joins an expedition to destroy the power’s threat. Along the way, she is betrayed by those she trusts and abandoned in hostile Fari lands with a forbidden lover who suspects her of murdering his kin. Her only hope for help is a sharp-tongued woman who once tried to kill her. Aimee must sacrifice everything she loves to save all she knows.

THE DEAD MOUNTAIN is a fast-paced 120,000-word fantasy adventure mixed with romance and betrayal and a female hero who relies on her wits and determination rather than swords and spells.

#

Thanks everybody. This is my latest iteration, trying to smooth things out a bit. Technically the woman in question didn't really try to kill her, just badly wound her indifferent to whether it was fatal or not. Definitely not an accident though. There is a sacrifice to be made at the end so I tried to sneak that in as well.