I have never seen the Vampire Diaries, but I think the talk about it here kind of seeped into me by osmosis. So not fan-fiction, but I think in the spirit of the show. Sung to the tune of "The Lady is a Tramp". And oh yes I did
The Lady is a Vamp
She knows liquid diets are good for her weight,
Eats boors who enter the theater late
Opposes long lives for people she hates.
That's why the lady is a vamp!
She's never worked nor coaxed nor complained.
Her lovers end with bodies and bank accounts drained.
Their deaths leave her completely unpained.
That's why the lady is a vamp!
She loves the fresh night wind in her hair,
Life without care.
She's cold, but its OK.
She hates sunlight, garlic and real silverware.
That's why the lady is a vamp!
She hates thugs armed with long wooden stakes.
Priests with large crosses give her the shakes.
She keeps native earth in all her estates!
That's why the lady is a vamp!