I have this weird pain in my right foot. It feels almost like there's a cut between the big toe and the toe next to it. It gives me the odd sensation that my foot is turning into a cloven hoof....

It's kind of irritating to shuffle into your kitchen at butt o'clock in the morning in order to make coffee and discover that there's a film crew parked outside your front window.

See, he never really claimed mental illness, and still doesn't think he was mentally ill. How he explains murdering two people, then, I don't know -- the father of one of the victims had a long correspondence with him, and wrote a book, but I haven't been able to bring myself to read it. So far as I can tell from the Newsweek interview, he just thinks he was an asshole.

It's just -- I don't know if it's painful, exactly, since it was so long ago it doesn't even seem quite real -- but it is baffling. What the hell? How does someone who can do that grow up -- in prison, no less -- to be someone who can talk rationally and somewhat introspectively about his own and others' crimes?

I guess it's not all that surprising, really. It's not as though he's been in suspended animation for 15 years. But it is... weird.

I'm certain it has to be painful to wonder why he couldn't have gotten the therapy before pulling the trigger

Sometimes you just don't see it. There were very few clues as to my cousin's illness before he snapped and shot his sister. In prison he was on heavy anti-psychotics as his delusion (probably not the proper medical term, but whatever) was so strong that he was attempting to walk down hallways that weren't there and would bump smack into walls.

But before that...

Decided I'd best not leave some stuff out there. Anyway, morning happened too soon. Again.

How does someone who can do that grow up -- in prison, no less -- to be someone who can talk rationally and somewhat introspectively about his own and others' crimes?

I don't know. But I know John Yoo, the professor who wrote the torture memos, and he's a really nice guy, an excellent teacher who doesn't bring anything wackadoodle to the classroom, etc. But I read those memos and get queasy.

Maybe that fellow has heard other people speak rationally and introspectively and is repeating what he's heard. Maybe if he says it often enough it becomes true to him.

Also, I keep thinking about bringing it up with my classes -- acknowledging the anniversary and mentioning my experience -- except I can't think what on earth to say about it. "So this happened, and this other thing happened to me, and... it sucks. I've got no suggestions for you. Life is unpredictably, spontaneously evil sometimes, and bad things happen. Good luck."

tommyrot, I'm very hypochondriac about my own strange foot pains, but they all go away (of course, that could mean that something is terribly, terribly wrong and it's going to fall off!). I hope yours resolves, but if it doesn't I suppose you'd have an interesting thing to talk about at parties.

shrift, were they filming YOU?

How does someone who can do that grow up -- in prison, no less -- to be someone who can talk rationally and somewhat introspectively about his own and others' crimes?

I guess the classic explanation is that some people are just sociopathic and thus feel no empathy at all for other people.

Hmmm... dunno....

Sometimes you just don't see it.

True. But sometimes people don't want to see it because it's hard to deal with on so many levels -- hard to accept the social stigma, hard to deal with the insurance company for treatment, etc., etc. There's definitely a spectrum out there, but I still think that more people could be treated earlier if we could just get over it, and that maybe we'd get better at seeing the clues, even if there are few of them.

eta: By which I don't mean to say that your family should have seen the signs MM, at all. And certainly I wouldn't expect anyone to predict that level of harm done to another person.

Life is unpredictably, spontaneously evil sometimes, and bad things happen.

This is not a bad thing for people to know from someone first hand.