Whimper.

First day of almost full time hours. Still sleep deprived and on the verge of tears about how crap I feel.

Fay, I'm so sorry. I've also had times when I'm told people are perceiving my tone or words or actions in a way I never intended, and it's an awful feeling.

OMG. I need that sock cat.

Naturally, I agree with Joe on everything he said. As is no surprise to anyone, I am a particularly girly-girl. It drove my tomboy (yet cheerleader) mother to distraction when I would only wear dresses, but she balanced that out with making sure I did all sorts of other stuff, like climb trees. As a result, I could apply make-up from the tallest point of the huge maple tree in our front yard.

With Em, she plays with what she plays with. Be it dolls, trucks, dresses, pants, pink, blue, whatever. And every morning as we drive past the Walgreens construction site, she tells us, "When I get big, I'ma drive the BULLdozer! But not right now, cause I'm too little." and I smile huge.

It's SO PINK it goes right past girliness into pure camp. For proof, a picture.

That really IS a gay sock cat.

I would never want a hypothetical transgender kid of mine to get beaten up for being transgender, but even MORE, I would never, EVER want to give my child the impression that his/her core identity is unacceptable. If your *parents* don't accept who you are, starting at age 3, that's just about the ultimate negation.

When you're an adult, deciding to live as a transgendered person, or deciding to transition, it's hard enough to deal with parental disapproval -- but at least you're an adult and you can reason through it, and say, "Well, that's really devastating, but they're only human." (Or, alternately, "Well, that's really devastating, so fuck them!")

As a kid, you have no capacity to reason through WHY your parents might be rejecting everything that you are; you just know that your *parents,* the people who are supposed to love and protect you, are saying that your entire identity is WRONG.

I would never, EVER want to give my child the impression that his/her core identity is unacceptable. If your *parents* don't accept who you are, starting at age 3, that's just about the ultimate negation.

t points and nods in a vigorous fashion

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(Aims, I edited my post to add a little more about the psychological issues behind rejecting your transgenger adult child vs. transgender 3-year-old.)

(You know, just in case you want to nod even more vigorously.)

The therapist Joe and I were going to said that prenting shouldn't be about making the kid(s) into what you want them to be. Prenting should be about making the kid(s) into the best [insert kid(s) name] they can be.

And he's absolutely right. I think, at least I know I did/do it, as parents I/We want "what's best" for our kids. We want them to be the smartest, the toughest, the prettiest, etc. and we take strives and make choices to push them in a certain direction to help them acheive that when really what I/we should be doing is letting them choose a path and then walking a little bit behind them to catch them if they stumble and offer unasked for asked for advice. It's hard as shit, though, even just at 3, watching Em make decisions that might not alter her entire life's course, without wanting to jump in and protect her and point her a different way. But sometimes, I gotta let her fall and bust the shit out of her knee, cause that's how she'll learn her path.

Gods, I hope that doesn't read as sanctimonious, holier-than-thou, bullshit parenting smugness.

In comclusion, Let the kid be who they're gonna be. Except a Scientologist. Don't let them be a Scientologist.

(Steph, I am nodding even more vigorously.)

(And signing up three of my friends for your newsletter.)

This is obviously an issue that hits close to home for me, so I don't mean to go on and on. And yet I keep typing.

We know a couple of people who have either already transitioned, or are in the process of transitioning (and I admit that it throws me; I met A. back when she was a guy, and I have to stop and think every time I use her name). What they go through in order to live a life that's consistent externally with what they feel internally is monumental.

And I admit that I don't understand it. For all the times I hate my body, I hate it because I'm fat, not because I'm a woman. And for all the times that I feel unsafe because I'm a woman and therefore rape-able, I still don't wish to be a man.

I have no idea what it's like to walk around in a body that feels *wrong* on the deepest possible level. But I know it shouldn't be so goddamn hard for people to live the way they were meant to live.

t edit I should note, although it's really not my place to talk about this (because it's so intensely personal, and it's *his* life to talk about), that The Boy is not transgender; that is, he doesn't feel like he's in the wrong body, and he has no interest in reassignment surgery; he just likes pretty clothes and 5-inch heels.

As a kid, you have no capacity to reason through WHY your parents might be rejecting everything that you are; you just know that your *parents,* the people who are supposed to love and protect you, are saying that your entire identity is WRONG.

I read an article recently on kids and lying, and one of the really interesting things it said was that up through about kindergarten, many kids assume that their parents will always know when they're lying because they think that their parents know everything they're thinking - it just doesn't occur to a really young child that what's in their mind isn't also in their parents' minds. (And obviously the age at which kids realize this isn't true and are able to process what that means for their individual identity varies pretty widely, but up to age 5-6 apparently isn't unusual.)

And so forcing a child that young to (essentially) lie about something that's central to their identity as a human being? When they're just barely beginning to have one? I can't even comprehend how devastating that must be.

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