Fay fay fay! Why are you crying for an hour in the loo instead of having a yummy lunch?? Anything we can do or say?

Edit: A meeting with your boss?? Uh oh...

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My attitude is he has his whole life to be a boy, why force the issue right now?

Burrell, I just want to say how much I admire you as a mom. I wish more people thought the way you do.

Oh Fay! Poor sweet girl! Lots of hugs to you. And porn to make you cheery.

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A meeting with your boss?? Uh oh...

No, really, it was fine. I mean, she asked me when we could talk first thing & arranged for lunch, and when I pressed her for some inkling of what it was about she just said 'you're not in trouble, don't worry - but we just need to have a talk. Several people have approached me about something. But don't worry...' so I spent the whole morning freaking out.

Apparently she's had 4 or 5 people come to her since Songkran (that's in the past month or so) saying that I've snapped at them, and they like me but they just don't know what to expect now from me because lately I've been all snappy, and blahblahblah psychobitchcakes. I mean, she was very nice about it, but I was gobsmacked. And she said that she thought it was me being defensive about things rather than being pissy, most likely - I mean, she was very nice.

But I still don't know what to do about it. Because I didn't know who or when or what or anything, and I haven't been conscious of being a psycho bitch.

t TMI

The only thing I could think of - although I rather flinch from playing the menstruation card, because it seems like such a cop out - but these past 2 months I'm finally seeming to be back on a normal menstual cycle (please god) for the first time in years. And maybe I have been flipping out like a mammal and not even realised it. I don't know. But I just felt rotten, rotten, rotten - and I'm too bloody emotional/thinskinned at the best of times, and once I've started being weepy I find it tremendously hard to stop. Ack. So - still crap and weepy. And sort of feeling like never going back to the staffroom again, you know?

I mean, the only thing is to just try REALLY BLOODY HARD to be polite and patient all the time, isn't it? But I mostly feel like hibernating. Except one still sees people for meetings and worky things, and then maybe they'll be more likely to think I'm a psycho bitch, because I won't have any social currency in the bank.

God.

I'm just not very good with humans, I think.

But she was very nice about it, and wasn't telling me off - just wanted me to know, so that I could think about it and see how I could fix it, because she felt I was most likely being misunderstood & would probably want to know.

And I'm very glad that I wasn't being bollocked for any of the mountain of things that I'd come up with as being bollock-worthy, you know? That's good. But - ack.

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Oh, gaaaah, Fay. What a way to make you paranoid and MORE snappy! Eeesh.

Good luck having everyone perceive you as the adorable sweetie pie we know you are. Bless!

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I was compensating for doing too much by drinking too much caffeine which is a good recipe for an anxiety attack.

Eee. I did that last week. I know not to, and yet some days it feels like I can't avoid it.

It can be really hard to avoid doing it, especially when we're moving and there is just so much to do.

Hil, the cupcakes sound yummy. I hope your co-workers appreciate them.

{{{{{Fay}}}}

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And I'm very glad that I wasn't being bollocked for any of the mountain of things that I'd come up with as being bollock-worthy, you know? That's good. But - ack.

Ouch, Fay, that's tough. And that period of totting up everything you've done wrong in the last forever is the worst.

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I was listening to that transgendered kids story on NPR yesterday as well, on the way to pick up Aims, and realized I was getting very *angry*.

Now, I don't really know from sexual identity issues, I'll admit. I know that if Em was a tomboy (which she most emphatically is *not* right now, as the morning whining re: skirts can attest) I would be fine with it. If we have a son and he wants to play with Barbie dolls, I will be fine with it.

I was angry because that poor boy's parents are torturing him. He's, what, 6? 7? He's being taught to lie about himself to his parents...the people he should be able to trust most in the world. He treats the color pink like it's crack and he's three hours out of rehab. "Aaahh...don't let me see pink, I might relapse!"

It's sad. That kid is hurting and his parents are helping to hurt him. He's hurting himself to please them and will never in his life be comfortable or happy if it continues.

I can see how they might be concerned that other people in society will hurt him, with taunts or physically. I don't know...if he were my kid, I think I would tell him "You can play with whatever you want, you can dress however you want, you can look at whatever color you want. But, just in case, here's how to punch someone.

"Don't worry...girls punch people, too, when they need to. Look at Aunt ita."

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What MM said. All of it.

I just slept horribly. Woke up about every two hours, scared that I'd overslept and missed giving my students their final.

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I don't know...if he were my kid, I think I would tell him "You can play with whatever you want, you can dress however you want, you can look at whatever color you want. But, just in case, here's how to punch someone.

"Don't worry...girls punch people, too, when they need to. Look at Aunt ita."

Aw, what a good Daddy.

I don't need to rant on how boyishness is valued in society in a way that girlishness is not (surveys consistently show that girls who play with "boy's toys" are praised, while boys playing with "girl's toys" are scolded) because many people on the interwebs have gotten there before me. Suffice to say, that shit will have no place in my home. I intend to enforce a strict No Idiotic Double Standards Zone at all times.

To that end, Dylan is extremely fortunate to have a great-aunt who takes immense pleasure in being "gender-neutral" by buying him only pink and purple gifts - the pastel pink sock-cat he takes to bed with thim is just about the gayest thing I've seen in my life. (And I say that with nothing but love and affection. It's SO PINK it goes right past girliness into pure camp. For proof, a picture.)

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Whimper.

First day of almost full time hours. Still sleep deprived and on the verge of tears about how crap I feel.

Fay, I'm so sorry. I've also had times when I'm told people are perceiving my tone or words or actions in a way I never intended, and it's an awful feeling.

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