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I emailed work to say that if I'm in tomorrow, it'll be a very brief appearance.

I've been contrasting my work with Aimee's today, because while I work some crazy hours, and have big stress...the attitude is so fucking different.

I'm not going to work tomorrow. For no reason, really. But I've been so overloaded with projects recently, and stressing out big time. And Monday we had our usual catch-up meeting, where everyone sort of reports on what's gone out and what's upcoming, yadda. And after I'd pointed out some of my last few weeks' stuff (INsane), and given my this week lineup (managable), department head was all "are you taking some time off? I was thinking you should take some time off."

I'd love for it to be like a long weekend or something, but with my upcoming stuff, and how changeable our schedules are - well, every PTO day I've had on the schedule this year so far fell through. We work some crazy schedules, and sometimes there's really a lot expected that's above and beyond. But what keeps me here and keeps me (more or less) happy is that at base, there's a certain respect for the fact that people have needs and limits, and a presumption of good faith.

The hard part is actually *not* putting your heart into it,

So hard. As might be apparent from my post above, right now, I feel like I'm at a place where the fact that I'm putting my heart into it is respected. I've had jobs before (and I know you have) where it was just assumed, without any reciprocation. And in this society, it's so ingrained that you don't take a job without giving it your all. (and god knows there's no reciprocal assumption there...). You need to break from that. We all do, really. But you more immediately, I think.

sister forwarded an email from asshat that he will be out of the apartment by- well he should be gone by now. I can't believe it's really true.

Yeah. I feel like if I were more content with my day job, I'd have an easier time dealing with the wait to be published, and/or I'd be more open to going with a small press or e-pub, because it'd be something I did because of love and drive to tell stories, not that plus desperate need to find a way out of my current situation.

Susan, you should be writing because you love to tell stories, period, not because you're unhappy with everything else and hoping that it will magically change your current situation. I'm going to be blunt as well, but I keep getting the feeling that you place more stock in being published than you do being a writer. You're no less a writer if you self-publish than if you're signed to a multi-book deal with a mainstream imprint. You're letting an external thing define what you are rather than letting YOU define what you are.

FWIW, I have some ideas of what might give me some more autonomy, even if not all that I might want: finding a really small organization instead of working for a Giant State Bureaucracy, and/or find a way to move back into event planning, which could be tricky schedule-wise with a child but possibly doable as long as DH's schedule stays fairly predictable.

I hate to tell you this, but the grass isn't always greener on the other side. You are looking for financial security, among other things, and a small organization isn't going to give you that. I've worked for a four-man consulting firm, where I was the fourth man, to a 250-person privately held company contracting for a huge, multinational corporation that employs tens of thousands of people. The small company was a great atmosphere, and I got along well with everyone. What's the downside? There was more than one occasion when clients didn't pay the bills on time, which meant I didn't get paid on time. Financial instability/insecurity was always there. September 11th cost me my job. There wasn't enough left for a decent severance package. Autonomy was a pipe dream. Someone is always checking up on you, not because you're not doing your job, but because everyone's reputations and livelihoods are depending on you holding up your end of the bargain.

I have a huge amount of flexibility and autonomy in my current job, but I attribute that more to the fact that my boss is halfway across the country than anything else. I also have the kind of job that can be done anywhere, as long as I have laptop/BlackBerry and cell phone. I've proven my ability to do my job with little supervision over the years; when I started, I was so closely supervised by a micromanager that I seriously considered leaving. Again, there are downsides. I have little to no career path right now, and I work long hours with a decent amount of traveling. You can ask Vortex how long I've been bitching about my job, but I can't go anywhere right now because we need my income. If I went and did what I want to do, I'd be taking a 50% paycut. My happiness is on temporary hold. DH and I have things we want to do, including having children, and that's more important right now than having a perfect job.

Administrative positions by their very nature are not as flexible. You're going to have to make a trade-off. Do you want to have time to write or do you want to be happy with your job? It sounds like the amount of autonomy you're looking for will only happen if you're working for yourself, and from my experience with our family restaurant and DH with his company, there will be NO time for anything else. It becomes your life. And that will probably make you less happy than you are now.

Now, having said all that, I hope you figure out a healthy balance. Feel better soon, and good on you for only going into the office for a short time (if at all!) tomorrow. You really don't want to tax yourself too much. Whatever's going around this year is a nasty, clinging beast.

Laga, congratulations! I went through the exact (and I mean exact) same thing with my sister and her exH. It took us a while to get back to where we were (continued...)

( continues...) pre-asshole, but we did. She's my sister again, with all the attendant crap that comes with it.

My mom didn't find the job she loved till she was fifty. it would still be nice if she made more bank. I feel horrendously guilty about not having a day job. Like, constantly. Like I should give my guilt a name and a drawer in the dresser. Even though I'm a better writer every year, and politically aware and such.And I can't help it, and the man hates me, but still: Heaping assloads of steaming guilt. I used to think I could eradicate it, but I suspect I should call it...Farnum, after that weasel on Deadwood and live with it.

This is so true. With all three kids, my nurses were INCREDIBLE.

OMG. I think I offered to marry my L&D nurse when I had Owen. Her name was even JEN. Seriously, when people ask for a job description, I hope she puts down "goddess" because she truly is one.

Well...agreed, but in saying that do you have any ideas for what I can do about it, other than accepting unhappiness and/or trying to catch lightning in a bottle in the form of a bestseller?

Lots of good advice has been given, Susan. I think you're making strides to cope with this issue (go free career counseling!). I also think that it's important not to look at it as an either/or situation. Working on your authority issues and/or the self-esteem issues that come from being a worker bee in combination with a job that may be a little less restrictive might do the trick. It's a matter of balance. You're never going to find the perfect job that offers you absolutely everything you want out of it. But you don't have to be miserable, either.

Stephanie, that sort of sucks! I'd offer to drive over to you guys but dealing with Owen in unfamiliar environments is still pretty stressful for me on my own. I hope you enjoy your visit back up here! And that the snow is gone by the time you get up North.

DH and I are contemplating a weekend trip somewhere warm, if we can get his folks to take the kids for three days. We just have to iron out the details.

LOS ANGELES!

::ahem::

LOS ANGELES!

It's on the short list!