Yeah. I feel like if I were more content with my day job, I'd have an easier time dealing with the wait to be published, and/or I'd be more open to going with a small press or e-pub, because it'd be something I did because of love and drive to tell stories, not that plus desperate need to find a way out of my current situation.
Susan, you should be writing because you love to tell stories, period, not because you're unhappy with everything else and hoping that it will magically change your current situation. I'm going to be blunt as well, but I keep getting the feeling that you place more stock in being published than you do being a writer. You're no less a writer if you self-publish than if you're signed to a multi-book deal with a mainstream imprint. You're letting an external thing define what you are rather than letting YOU define what you are.
FWIW, I have some ideas of what might give me some more autonomy, even if not all that I might want: finding a really small organization instead of working for a Giant State Bureaucracy, and/or find a way to move back into event planning, which could be tricky schedule-wise with a child but possibly doable as long as DH's schedule stays fairly predictable.
I hate to tell you this, but the grass isn't always greener on the other side. You are looking for financial security, among other things, and a small organization isn't going to give you that. I've worked for a four-man consulting firm, where I was the fourth man, to a 250-person privately held company contracting for a huge, multinational corporation that employs tens of thousands of people. The small company was a great atmosphere, and I got along well with everyone. What's the downside? There was more than one occasion when clients didn't pay the bills on time, which meant I didn't get paid on time. Financial instability/insecurity was always there. September 11th cost me my job. There wasn't enough left for a decent severance package. Autonomy was a pipe dream. Someone is always checking up on you, not because you're not doing your job, but because everyone's reputations and livelihoods are depending on you holding up your end of the bargain.
I have a huge amount of flexibility and autonomy in my current job, but I attribute that more to the fact that my boss is halfway across the country than anything else. I also have the kind of job that can be done anywhere, as long as I have laptop/BlackBerry and cell phone. I've proven my ability to do my job with little supervision over the years; when I started, I was so closely supervised by a micromanager that I seriously considered leaving. Again, there are downsides. I have little to no career path right now, and I work long hours with a decent amount of traveling. You can ask Vortex how long I've been bitching about my job, but I can't go anywhere right now because we need my income. If I went and did what I want to do, I'd be taking a 50% paycut. My happiness is on temporary hold. DH and I have things we want to do, including having children, and that's more important right now than having a perfect job.
Administrative positions by their very nature are not as flexible. You're going to have to make a trade-off. Do you want to have time to write or do you want to be happy with your job? It sounds like the amount of autonomy you're looking for will only happen if you're working for yourself, and from my experience with our family restaurant and DH with his company, there will be NO time for anything else. It becomes your life. And that will probably make you less happy than you are now.
Now, having said all that, I hope you figure out a healthy balance. Feel better soon, and good on you for only going into the office for a short time (if at all!) tomorrow. You really don't want to tax yourself too much. Whatever's going around this year is a nasty, clinging beast.
Laga, congratulations! I went through the exact (and I mean exact) same thing with my sister and her exH. It took us a while to get back to where we were (continued...)