Maybe the expectations you're setting for yourself aren't achievable at this time, and driving yourself crazy to try and meet them will only make things worse.

Well...I'm not pulling that "book a year" number out of thin air. I've heard that from numerous published authors, agents, and editors as a sort of minimum if you're serious about building a career, and that if at all possible you should push for that pace even before you're published just so you'll get used to it, because it's not like you'll get to quit your day job when you first sell anyway.

That said...well, the WIP is a whole new genre, so I've been having to reinvent my personal wheel WRT plot, structure, etc. Not to mention, you know, rewrite a key turning point of European history. Hopefully Book Two of the series will flow a little more quickly.

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Susan, this is where I'm going to be very blunt, but I mean it kindly.

You're sabotaging yourself. Yes, your job is full of boring, stupid bureaucratic problems. So what? It's just a job, a paycheck. It isn't what defines you. Almost everyone I know is stuck in a similar sort of position. The few people who are doing what they love are being driven crazy by their work in other ways, and have made a lot of sacrifices and difficult choices to allow them to be driven crazy by the career they love. No one's life is perfect.

I know you're venting, and I know you realize all of this. But I really do think that you are spending more time than might be good for you worrying that your job isn't really what you want.

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Jilli, I don't mind the blunt at all. I probably need it to shake this funk.

It's just a job, a paycheck. It isn't what defines you.

I think my problem is that I let it define me. I somehow picked up the attitude very early on that your job is what you are. So my desire to be published is driven by two factors--an entirely healthy desire to have an audience and the ability to concentrate more of my time and energy on what I love, and a desperate longing to have an answer I can feel proud of when people ask me what I do.

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and a desperate longing to have an answer I can feel proud of when people ask me what I do.

Okay, I'm going to let you in on a secret that has made me very happy.

DON'T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.

Seriously. Who cares if other people don't approve of something in your life? As long as what makes you happy isn't murdering people, who cares? Stop worrying about it.

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Who cares if other people don't approve of something in your life? As long as what makes you happy isn't murdering people, who cares? Stop worrying about it.

Truly, Jilli is a voice of reason.

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Jilli is wise.

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DON'T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.

SO MUCH THIS. For real. I'm going to be 41, I'm working RETAIL part-time, I'm living with my father-in-law, and we're in debt up to our eyeballs. Anyone who thinks that's horrible can bite me. My kids are healthy and happy, I love my husband, and we're getting through it.

I think the thing that helps me is to remember that THIS IS YOUR LIFE. There's no magic door you get to walk through at some point to your Real Life, when everything will better. It NEVER HAPPENS. THIS is your life, so you've got to find some happiness in it, even if you simply start by saying, "I don't care what anyone thinks of what I'm doing."

Also? Say, "I'm working at This Place, and I'm also writing a novel." Easy. You'd be surprised how many people would rather be painting, singing, designing flatware, training penguins, or whatever, instead of what they do to pay for groceries.

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DON'T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.

I need to learn how to not care what people think about me. I've spent way too much energy in my life worrying about what other people think of me. I'm in awe of people that have figured out a way not to care.

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training penguins

I misread this as trading penguins. My first thought was, "billytea would never trade a penguin! He loves them."

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Jilli is entirely right.

But I do understand Susan's frustration. I vividly remember being just furiously indignant to receive a 'Happy Administrator's Day' card, while I was working in an office. Most unreasonably. Because, as far as the people in the office were concerned, I was an administrator. Fair enough. But from my pov it felt like a kick in the nuts, and I felt all Drama Queeny and 'OMG, this isn't who I am! This is just what I do! I'm not just a mediocre administrator, goddamnit!'

So - yeah, I understand the feeling of frustration. But Jilli is RIGHT like a right thing that it doesn't matter about what other people think.

And I would say this: if you were doing a job you enjoyed more, and found more fulfilling, you would quite likely have/make less time and energy and creativity for your writing. (Speaking as someone who's always wanted to be a published writer and has a couple of unfinished novels growing dusty somewhere on a back burner.) So, perversely, that's not neccesarily a bad thing.

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