Aimee, when my DH's father died we found out about relatives he never knew he had, (and his father's fiancee and friends found out about my DH). It was awkward, but not impossible. He liked some of them and not others. On both sides, there is unresolved resentment and anger. But he was able to establish a relationship with some of them.
I think you have to first understand your own expectations and remember that they might not be met. (They might be exceeded.)
I don't think you have to approach your bio-dad. She's of age and can make a decision. You just have to live with her decision, just as she has to live with your reveal.
Also, considering writing and not emailing. This may be my own bias, but it would seem more thoughtful to me and give her something tangible that you touched.
Also, considering writing and not emailing. This may be my own bias, but it would seem more thoughtful to me and give her something tangible that you touched.
And you could include a picture of Emma!
Also, considering writing and not emailing. This may be my own bias, but it would seem more thoughtful to me and give her something tangible that you touched.
Excellent point. Maybe I will do that. Probably will.
And you could include a picture of Emma!
Hard to resist that face!!
Aimee, I think I would avoid contacting your bio-dad first, because, just based on your past experience with him, I doubt you would get the response you want. I agree that a handwritten letter with a picture of Em would be nice. Good luck whatever you decide to do.
Also, writing imparts a sense of importance and thought that doesn't come from a dashed off email (not that it would be dashed off, but it could have been)
And, FWIW, I'm basically in agreement with the consensus--I wouldn't go through your bio-dad, but definitely be prepared for any kind of reaction from your sister, because it could be all over the map, and it's something that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the messiness of a situation that's beyond either of your control.
Aims, I'd say contact bio dad and say "I'm getting in touch with bio-sis in March. If you'd like her to have some warning, you'd better give it before then."
That way, if there is any dread shock, it is cllllllllllllllllllllllllearly his fault.
Then I'd send her a letter, possibly registered so you can be sure she got it, that includes photos.
Definitely give some thought to what you expect out of the interchange, and how it will affect you (and her) if it doesn't go the way you want. I think it's something you may want to sit on for a while.
Particularly remember that from her point of view, it can be a very disturbing experience, even if it can later end up in a good relationship. I don't know what her relationship with your dad is like, but she may be unprepared for you, the very physical manifestation of his lying to her (implicitly or explicitly).
I do agree that if you are ready to contact her, then a physical letter is a good way to go about it. It puts some time between you and her and without the immediacy of email gives her some space to figure out her response without pressure.
I would also try to give the sense in the letter that the ball is in her court. You don't want her to feel like you want to force a relationship on her, and you're prepared to never contact her again if that's what she wants. I think that would make her more open to talking with you.
