How about:

Dear Boss,

Effective [DATE] I shall be ending my employment with this company. I want to thank you for the opportunities to work on communicating in difficult circumstances and taking on work that was beyond my initial purview. Your management style has certainly been a learning experience for me.

The past two years have, I felt, been a journey for me. I hope that the next people to take that journey fare as well or better than I under your guidance.

Sincerely,

Vortex

That sounds reasonable and professional. Who are you and what have you done with Miracleman?

Dear Clients,

Oh, letters to clients. If only I could...

Dear Fucktard,

Due to your increasing levels of obstinate stupidity coupled with a general decrease in my tolerance for your shit, you are hereby notified to watch your fucking back. I have your address and SSN and all sorts of info at my itchy-trigger-fingertips and you have made the grievous mistake of line-dancing on my last remaining nerve.

From this date forward you should note that your life is, at any moment, forfeit. Please exercise due caution, rapidly ramping up to hysterical paranoia that ends with you boarding yourself in your basement and drinking your own urine until you die.

If you wish to protest this treatment, tough titty. Perhaps you should have more carefully considered your words and attitude before you picked up the phone.

Sincerely,

MM
Your Nemesis and Worst Fucking Nightmare

We are being very pro-active in getting our house in order post-remodel. There is a crew coming to do a deep cleaning on Friday morning, the area rugs and couch are being steam cleaned Friday afternoon, and we're dropping off the futon at Goodwill on Thursday. Yesterday we bought a new (better) futon set for office to be delivered next week. Yay!

area rugs and couch are being steam cleaned Friday afternoon,

I seriously need to do this. And I have a gift card from my birthday for Merry Maids. But I feel like I should have an event planned at my house before I take advantage of it. God forbid it just be clean for me.

Yeah, our rugs have needed it for like ever but it took the nastiness of the construction to force us to do it.

If I put in cream,every time I take a sip, I'm just disappointed that it's not coffee.

GC, Did I miss you posting about a resolution to the broken figurines/statues?

The resolution was that the effers wanted not to pay it, GF freaked out (like a crazy ass mammal), and they wrote it off. Her parting words to them were (and I quote), "Let's sign the papers and then you leave and we never see each other again."

"Let's sign the papers and then you leave and we never see each other again."

whoa. I'm sorry it was such a bad experience for you! I'm really hoping my kitchen redo goes smoothly because I'm friends with my contractor and I'd hate for the friendship to be affected by any weirdness. (He's done a little work for me and is very neat and easy to work with so I'm hopeful.)

I think all work is stressful, but this was just botched over and over again. On the bright side, the finished product is v. v. pretty. We were upset because we went with the pricier company because it promised superior service, which we did not receive.