Actually, I like my bosses so I couldn't write one of those to them. The clients however?

Dear Clients,

YOU are the reason they can't have nice things.

NL,
DJ

I like my tea and coffee in a variety of ways. It pays to be flexible.

I have a number of pairs of pants that need things like buttons. I fixed one pair today, but in the process I bit the eyes off two needles. I had no idea that was possible.

I'm getting my hair cut tonight! Woot!

How about:

Dear Boss,

Effective [DATE] I shall be ending my employment with this company. I want to thank you for the opportunities to work on communicating in difficult circumstances and taking on work that was beyond my initial purview. Your management style has certainly been a learning experience for me.

The past two years have, I felt, been a journey for me. I hope that the next people to take that journey fare as well or better than I under your guidance.

Sincerely,

Vortex

That sounds reasonable and professional. Who are you and what have you done with Miracleman?

Dear Clients,

Oh, letters to clients. If only I could...

Dear Fucktard,

Due to your increasing levels of obstinate stupidity coupled with a general decrease in my tolerance for your shit, you are hereby notified to watch your fucking back. I have your address and SSN and all sorts of info at my itchy-trigger-fingertips and you have made the grievous mistake of line-dancing on my last remaining nerve.

From this date forward you should note that your life is, at any moment, forfeit. Please exercise due caution, rapidly ramping up to hysterical paranoia that ends with you boarding yourself in your basement and drinking your own urine until you die.

If you wish to protest this treatment, tough titty. Perhaps you should have more carefully considered your words and attitude before you picked up the phone.

Sincerely,

MM
Your Nemesis and Worst Fucking Nightmare

We are being very pro-active in getting our house in order post-remodel. There is a crew coming to do a deep cleaning on Friday morning, the area rugs and couch are being steam cleaned Friday afternoon, and we're dropping off the futon at Goodwill on Thursday. Yesterday we bought a new (better) futon set for office to be delivered next week. Yay!

area rugs and couch are being steam cleaned Friday afternoon,

I seriously need to do this. And I have a gift card from my birthday for Merry Maids. But I feel like I should have an event planned at my house before I take advantage of it. God forbid it just be clean for me.

Yeah, our rugs have needed it for like ever but it took the nastiness of the construction to force us to do it.

If I put in cream,every time I take a sip, I'm just disappointed that it's not coffee.

GC, Did I miss you posting about a resolution to the broken figurines/statues?