You know, I'm always surprised at how many otherwise secular Jews feel this way. I know a lot of women who aren't deeply religious who feel they can only marry a Jew.

If it's someone who's planning on having kids, I can absolutely understand it. It's not about religion, it's about cultural identity.

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dog~ma for Darcey.

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I think much depends on what's on your list.

Yeah, I once broke up with a great guy who I just knew wasn't for me. It was a very hard decision. One of the best post-break-up exercises (maybe from John Grey?) I did was make one list of reasons why he wasn't right for me and another of qualities and characteristics I wish he had embodied. Personally, it's all too easy for me to get caught up in the whoa! and so I keep it as a reminder of what actually makes me happy in the long run.

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Cass, I hope that things can get better for your niece - I'm sure that spending time with you will help her, but from what you have said, it may not improve things with her mother.

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(I can't even find any logical reason to keep reading it. The letters sections are full of people saying "I've been dating using your methods for a year now," but very few people who complete that sentence with "and I met the person I'm going to marry." Because these dating methods are nuts. It's explicitly stated that the point is to get engaged within six months or a year.)

Where do they address the "someone asks my ass out" part?

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I dunno, Hil, I think cultural identity finds a way of replicating itself, but maybe that's the half-Jew in me talking.

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I dunno, Hil, I think cultural identity finds a way of replicating itself, but maybe that's the half-Jew in me talking.

Case in point. My mother married someone who never learned French and she never spoke to me in French growing up. And yet, after a brief stint in business school and investment counsulting, I eventually became a French professor, and now an editor of French books. The blood, she is strong.

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I dunno, Hil, I think cultural identity finds a way of replicating itself, but maybe that's the half-Jew in me talking.

Do you think your kids will identify as Jewish?

(I can't find a way to ask that question that doesn't sound accusatory. But that's totally not how I meant it. Mostly, just curious. Most of my cousins within my generation -- I'm the youngest of my generation, and some of the "my generation" cousins are close to twenty years older than me -- married non-Jews, and only one of them is raising the kids Jewish. The others bring their kids to Grandma's for Passover and Chanukah, but they have Christmas and Easter at home.)

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It's annoying, because I can't even imagine putting myself out there if I was completely against the idea of a relationship. What's the point?

I am Gris and it drives me up a damn wall!

I wanted someone who was madly in love with me for a change. Turns out I'm way happier when I don't have to second guess the relationship.

Agreed. It's just a matter of it being nice to know where things stand.

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Do you think your kids will identify as Jewish?

In some ways I'm a better test case for your point since I was raised by one Jewish parent and one Catholic one, and tend to identify more strongly as culturally Jewish than I do as Catholic. That said, several of my Jewish friends insist I am NOT Jewish, and most of my Catholic friends will point out I'm NOT Catholic either, so consider all labels self-identified. As for how my kids will identify, I don't know, right now they are being raised as I was, without membership in a particular church or temple. But we do celebrate some Jewish traditions as well as Christian ones.

Several of my friends are *more* religious than their parents were. I can see why they wanted to marry Jews. But yeah, I guess I find it confusing that someone who hasn't been to temple or celebrated a seder in years feels compelled to marry a Jew. A preference I can understand, that's more about being with someone who comes from the same background.

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