Two more things on career and life choices...
First, I don't judge anyone else the way I judge myself. It just wouldn't occur to me. First, I figure it's none of my business. Second, I'm pretty good at thinking everyone but me deserves mercy and grace and respect and all that important stuff.
Second...it's not really that the work I've done for my paychecks isn't important or worthy in the abstract. It's just not who I am or who I want to be. It's a bad fit. And some of that is for the wrong reasons--looking for external validation, being too caught up in what our society views as prestigious as opposed to what truly matters. But some of that feeling of being out of place is for the right reasons. I'm doing something I'm good at, but that I feel no passion for. Even in my present situation, where I'm basically happy in my work and believe in what my organization does, I can't wait for lunchtime to come so I can bury myself in a research book and for the end of the day so I can go home and write. I want writing to be as central to my life as it is to my heart, not something I have to fight to find half an hour here or an hour there so I can meet my measly goal of three pages a day at least five days a week. And I'm fighting and fighting to get to a point where I can write full-time or at least step back to a part-time day job, but barring some kind of miracle that's years and years away, and sometimes it's just so frustrating and weary-making to keep trudging on day in and day out and feeling like no one in my everyday life sees who I really am.
(ETA x-posted with all the favorite job stuff)
Ah, JZ, you're juggling so much. I'm sorry you're beating yourself up over this. I wish you knew how really amazing you are.
I think my favorite job ever is my current one, and even it isn't all roses and lilies, but parts of it are amazing.
I skipped a lot, but ~ma to Sean's mom, much minisicule it was nothingness to her and rockness to you.
...and a woot! for Suzi's mom. That was such a wonderful thing to read, it made me a little teary-eyed. Tell her I'm glad she's running around terrorizing you.
Tell her I'm glad she's running around terrorizing you.
And she is.
She is off to some meeting tomorrow. A week and a day post-transplant. Ummm, hello, you are recovering from major surgery woman. I know you feel better than you have in a long time, but your body still needs rest.
That's so awesome. I wish I could hug you both.
How are you doing? Have they figured out the vertigo?
I'm doing ok. More stable, I think I've just figured out how to compensate. I still have a few bouts that remind me that it is not gone. I had to reschedule my follow-up appointment - so I don't see my doc again until the 17th.
I figure if the MRI showed something serious, I'd have heard by now. That reminds me, I still haven't gotten my replacement ATM card.
Wow, Suzi, your mom sounds amazing! I'm glad she's doing so well.
My favorite job is now. But it's also way harder and more upsetting than any job I've ever held.
Up until now my favorite job was working as followspot operator at a teeny dinner theater. Loved it. It was performance, but invisible behind-the-scenes (when you did it right) performance. Ideal. Boss was a man who would curse you up one side and down the other if you screwed up by malice or carelessness, but would tell you if you did well. And wouldn't give you a hard time if you just made a mistake. Only boss I've ever had that really genuinely cared about his employees. Not that you'd ever know through his gruff exterior, but you stand up and do your job for him and he valued you. Best boss ever.
Was today toast day or did I read that way back in Natter? (In Natter I'm always in the past)
One of my big problems with my life right now, aside from the no $, which always blows, is that everything is so commingled...my work life and home life...friends and associates.
