I figure I'm fulfilling my potential internally. Fulfilling the heck out of it. You can't see it, but it's totally fulfilled.

Because of all the thinking I'm doing, you see.

I'm going to be alone and eaten by cats without ever fulfilling my potential.

I think my only potential is to be eaten by cats, but they'll shun me as a source of protein, thus plunging me into eternal unfulfillment.

Hey at least if I was eaten by cats I'd do the cats some good.

I can still get the alone and eaten by cats fear even though I'm married and have a kid. I mean, I could easily be a widow, run through my savings, and have my kid(s) want nothing to do with me.

Both of my younger sisters have higher paying, more advanced jobs than I have. a couple of years ago I figured out somethings 1) I like predictable yet flexible schedule that I have. 2) I am good at what I do. 3) My job gives me room to do other things

The only way I know to get out of the stupid mental script game is to re write it.an I mean it - sit and write it out.

Start with why you have chosen to do what you do.

then go on to why anyone whould want someone to do your job.

and then go onto what you are good at that makes you suited for you job.

and literally rewrite the script.

Oooh, more EEEEVIL work, Drew?

I do not know if the future work will be evil, but the company that I'm subcontracted to (I'm actually two layers down from this company) does a lot of theme park work and other types of themed environment work and the person I met with today was very interested in my skill set. It's the nature of this business and the nature of freelance, work begets work.

I'm feeling a bit better. I figured out how to tackle the immediately pressing logistical issues. And I'm chatting to DH, who reminded me that I don't want to be a lawyer, a doctor, or an entrepreneur, and while I sometimes think wistfully that if I were 18 again, I'd major in history or anthropology and become a PhD, deep down I'd rather be an author than a professor. The problem is, I'm NOT an author yet. I'm just a writer. And I have no way of knowing when or if that'll ever change.

Clearly I need to get more cats if I want to aspire to the "alone and eaten by cats" thing....

Cats, crap! Looks like I'm not even on track to accomplish that?

deep down I'd rather be an author

I read this as "deep down I'd rather be an auror" and thought well yeah, who wouldn't?

My cat is whining at me. I don't know why. he won't stop. Even though I explained to him that I have this stupid nagging gone and back again headache he expects me to read his tiny half walnut brain.