I'm feeling a bit better. I figured out how to tackle the immediately pressing logistical issues. And I'm chatting to DH, who reminded me that I don't want to be a lawyer, a doctor, or an entrepreneur, and while I sometimes think wistfully that if I were 18 again, I'd major in history or anthropology and become a PhD, deep down I'd rather be an author than a professor. The problem is, I'm NOT an author yet. I'm just a writer. And I have no way of knowing when or if that'll ever change.

Clearly I need to get more cats if I want to aspire to the "alone and eaten by cats" thing....

Cats, crap! Looks like I'm not even on track to accomplish that?

deep down I'd rather be an author

I read this as "deep down I'd rather be an auror" and thought well yeah, who wouldn't?

My cat is whining at me. I don't know why. he won't stop. Even though I explained to him that I have this stupid nagging gone and back again headache he expects me to read his tiny half walnut brain.

The problem is, I'm NOT an author yet. I'm just a writer. And I have no way of knowing when or if that'll ever change.

"Just" a writer? That makes me think you don't value your talent the way you should. Now, I don't know if you actually feel this way, but "just"-ing something tends to read, to me, as diminishing it.

If you're never published -- and I know how much that makes your stomach sink -- you have to decide for yourself if your writing, the *act* of writing, is valuable to you.

If your definition of "author" is "published," then I have 2 words for you: Dan. Brown. ::shudder::

I'm a writer, and if my only chance of seeing print was to write like Dan Brown, I'd rather never have a word published. Ever.

And, FWIW, I know exactly what my problem is--instead of determining my self-worth through my own values and whether I'm doing what I most love to the best of my abilities, I'm looking to something beyond my control, namely the purchasing decisions of the publishing industry, and the social hierarchy of what's a prestige job for an intelligent and well-educated person to have. The problem is getting my gut to listen to my head on that one.

twolumps agrees with juliana: [link]

AHAHAHA! Yes!

OTOH, knowing that most of my peers are married and having kids freaks me right out and leads me down a "OMG unless I meet someone NOW and love them and get married soon and have kids I WILL BE OLD AND ALONE AND EATEN BY CATS". Which is clearly stupid. But.

Also yes, and right there with ya.

And Susan, I don't mean to be harshing on you. I like your writing, and I just hope you aren't getting so frustrated at not being published that you're missing out on *enjoying* your own writing. Because you should, IMO.

I'm just going to make sure that whatever part of me doesn't get eaten by cats goes out in a blaze of glory at my viking funeral.

I WILL BE OLD AND ALONE AND EATEN BY CATS

I assume the non-cat owner equivalent would be "...AND FOUND BECAUSE OF THE SMELL"? Looks like my current life plan, sadly.