Gone during Elton week and back in time to have Steven Tyler and his lady blouses blathering on at me about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Oh, the humanity! And he's so high all the time, y'all. He puts Paula to shame. Anyway, JLo's dress is so shiny and zippery and just wow. This may be the most Lo that J has ever looked on this show.

Gwen Stefani + AI = Not good things happening. Have we learned nothing from Sanjay murdering Bathwater? I did not think it was possible to make the crackhos in wardrobe and the meth freaks in hair and make up look skilled, but damn if Gwen Stefani didn’t pull it off.

Jacob Lusk/Man in the Mirror/MJ – Ewww. If you end up in B3 it’s because America got it twisted? Bitch, please. You’ve been a melissima coated mess for weeks. Not to mention all the affectations and frofraw with the hands and the attitude and basically being a conglomeration of every bad, minstrel show affectation of a Tyler Perry movie character. And just, ewwww. I looked in the mirror and my reflection told me that you need to shut the hell up. And Steven Tyler, Man in the Mirror is not the finest song that’s ever been written, mkay? But props for Syeeda Garret. Eat something, baby. Please. I guess he didn’t sing it poorly, but the attitude was so stank and I just can’t. I can’t be any more over this fool.

Haley Reinhart/Piece of My Heart/Janis Joplin – Can we please put this song deep in the Idol closet and never let it out again? But Haley getting the band on stage and the full four piece back up singers including Syeeda Garret (and why exactly is she singing back up on AI this evening?). Well, I’m glad she’s getting a little pimping. She deserves it. She’s been killing it lately. She sounds a little hoarse tonight, though. She’s still in tune, because when is she not? I think she’s maybe pushing her voice a little bit hard tonight, some of the gears are grinding in uncomfortable ways. But overall it was good. And when she was interviewing with Ryan afterwards, she sounded more raspy than usual. But I agree that she’s kind of been on fire lately and this was a good rendition of an overworked song – and one of the few times it’s had the full on rock flavor and not the watered down Faith Hill version. Speaking of that post song interview, I think Ryan might’ve been trying to get Haley to talk about the fact that she was supposedly fooling around with Stefano who then dumped her to try to get with Haley and now there has been catfigthing and such to which I say, “Hell, yeah, little orange pocket gay!” Do it again.

Casey/Have You Ever Seen the Rain/CCR - I wish he had stayed with Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic. Love that song and I think he could’ve killed with that. This song seems a much safer choice. I did ask for a return to the upright bass, badass singer boy we saw in Vegas round, but I’m a fickle bitch and this song just didn’t do it for me. He sounded OK, but some of the weird, random growliness came back and it just seemed so fake and forced. Like he’s singing like he thinks a white boy, Joe Cocker-y soul singer should sing and not from an authentic place. And then he got a little sharp there at the end. All over it felt kind of safe and lazy, like a step back from him after a really lovely Your Song last week. Sigh. And the judges shove him right back in his box. You disappoint me, fools. And he really needs to let that save thing go. Let it go.

Lauren Alaina/Natural Woman/Aretha Franklin – Um, I think this song will spank that ass. She lacks the depth to sing this song. Even though she looks like a 45 year old cocktail waitress, she’s kind of too young to sing this song. Also, the original Idol, Kelly Clarkson, already did this song on AI and smashed it, so since we all know whe’s not going to do a better version than that, so what’s the point? I mean, she sang it fine. She seemed to lack a little power on some of the really big notes, which I was a little surprised at, but overall it was fine. It was in tune, she had a couple of nice little runs going on. It was OK. Was it memorable? No? Was it better than Kelly? Please. Also, the houndstooth bubble shorts and the weird fauxhawk and the tights and the boots? Dammit, Gwen Stefani. Just no. See, the Dawg wanted to say it wasn’t as good as Kelly but he lacks the nerve. Sigh. I miss Simon so much right now.

James Durbin/While My Guitar Gently Weeps/George Harrison – I just don’t even feel like it any more with this fool. He’s nasally and he’s off key this week in addition to just being generally unpleasant, so this week I get to hate him without reservation and not even add the caveat that technically he sings well. Twitchy sounded like ass and the last note was just uncalled for and it was off so suck on that. And is he crying? There’s no crying in AI unless your name is Fantasia Barrino and your are selling the hell out of the worst coronation song of all time in front of a big old choir and left over pink clouds from Diana Degarmo’s performance. I hate this dude. Hate. Haaaattteeee. The judges are so useless this season. What did they even say? JLo? Ay, mami. De veras? Para ese huevon culeado? En serio?

Scotty McCreary/That’s Alright, Mama/Elvis Presley – Why does will.i.am exist? I think I can only tolerate him for the whole Yes We Can thing. His only saving grace. On to more pleasant things, was that Scotty scatting? The little “dee dee dee deedly dee”? Precious. He was all kinds of adorable on this song. And he sounded amazing. The voice was so, so on point. And he didn’t rely on the deep note at the end. And he looked like he was just having a whale of a time. I kind of loved everything about that. That’s the most fun I’ve had with a Scotty performance ever.

Pia Toscano/River Deep, Mountain High/Tina Turner – Oh, y’all, the quavery voice is back. Why does she get that weird quaver when she’s singing up tempo? This is what I didn’t like about her when I heard her singing in Hollywood week group round. It’s so weird because she doesn’t have it at all when she’s singing ballads. But more up tempo numbers? The crazy wild vibrato takes over. I mean, she still was pitch perfect because the fool can blow, but the vibrato thing? It’s a puzzle. And the judges finally decide to critique a little bit. Well, minus Steven Tyler, but I think he’s really there to just model his blouse collection and feed his dope habit at this point. JLo was right that she’s still very, very stiff and she needs to find a stronger stage persona. Still by far the best girl left in the competition and who’d have thunk it way back when?

Stefano Langone/When a Man Loves a Woman/Percy Sledge – Sigh. I know he’s gonna do the Michael Bolton version rather than the Percy version. He is gonna be cheese on toast. Trust that this is so. I did not need the extended crotch shot while he sat on the steps doing a merely passable falsetto. And then he was up and into the typical Stefano “I gotta make a poop” face and straining that little voice for all it’s worth. It’s so sad that he thinks he has a much bigger voice than he does. He’s so much better when he’s singing soft and sweet and not trying to be a belter (which he is not so please cut it out). The last 4 bars of that song were wonderful, so tender. Randy, in his inarticulate way, was actually making sense. He doesn’t need to go full bore and push his voice to its max, almost breaking point. He can do more of that tender thing, that crooning, and it suits his voice better. Sigh. If Randy weren’t so useless, he might’ve really had something there.

Paul in the pimp slot? That shit ain’t right.

Paul McDonald/Folsom Prison Blues/Johnny Cash – I refuse. I can’t with this one. I can’t believe I used to like this fool. The voice is total nails on a chalkboard for me now. He’s just talking in a singsong voice now. It’s not melodic. Does it even count as singing? I’ve heard bums on the corner that sound just like that and they don’t get recording contracts. They don’t even get a dollar to put towards more Mad Dog. And then for several bars in the middle, he just didn’t sing at all. Not that I’m complaining since he, you know, can’t sing, but damn fool. This is a singing competition. You can’t spend several eight counts just sitting there strumming your guitar dancing your St. Vidas dance and not singing. It’s like during the Dance for your Life portion of SYTYCD when the hair flinging blonde kids spend twelve eight counts just walking around the stage aimlessly posing and pouting and hair flinging and then use the last 10 seconds to actually dance. I don’t like it on Nigel’s other show and I didn’t like it here. Terrible. And the judges were so quick and so reluctant to bring any relevant critique to that horror show that Ryan wound up having to stretch and fill by imitating the truly, truly awful St. Vidas dance. Oh, Ry Ry, no.

Top Three

Scotty, Haley, Pia

Middle of the Pack

Casey, Lauren

Bottom Four (because I can)

Jacob, Twitchy, Stefano and Paul

Real B3 will likely be Stefano, Jacob and maybe Paul or Lauren? Ain’t no way Twitchy gets even a whiff of B3. Haley might fall into the B3 again even though she shouldn’t because she went so early and was good but not as great as last week.

Going Home

My guess is Stefano. He’s cute and he had a good run as a wild card pick, but I’m betting it’s time for his sing out courtesy of the Cookie Monster.

I will watch Ido later, but did anyone watch Top Chef Masters last night? I want a report about Hugh Acheson! How did he do? Did you like his unibrow?

Oh, flea.

I was sad I didn't recognize most of the chefs. I'd never heard of anyone but Floyd Cardoz and Traci Des Jardins (and Chef Tio, but only because of The Next Iron Chef).

Yeah, so the neighborhood buzz is that Hugh lost big. But he gave a very classy exit interview! We still love him here.

Did he go home because the trite cupcake was better executed than his scallop? It was unclear to me.

There's a New Orleans chef, but she didn't get much airtime. Sue Zemanick. She was on Team Leela, but we didn't see her QuickFire dish.

AI - WTF?!?!?

ABDC is BACK!!!!

I think TAR needs a new post-production team - both DH and I called the nonelim last night about halfway through the ep.

Anyone else watching Next Great Restaurant? HOORAY THE GRILLBILLIES ARE FINALLY GONE! I'm rooting for Spice Coast on the premise that everyone else left in the competition is terrible, but honestly, I can get better Indian food for lunch already at the Biryani Cart.

There was nothing hard on that leg, right? I appreciated that the food thing was just 12 minutes and done (successfully or not), because I kind of hate watching people throw up, but the chimney sweep thing was just doing it, right? I mean, there was nothing to screw up, as far as I could tell. And moving the sofa is also whatever.