( continues...)

So now I am making all kinds of squinty faces and trying to figure out just what the hell happened. I mean, I know I'm not perfect. But I'm generally solvent and pay my bills reasonably on time. If there's a problem, I fix it, even if it takes longer than she is comfortable with. I have a job, I have an apartment, and this is, technically, still the first year I've been living out on my own. I know so many of my peers who are far worse off than I am--tens of thousands in credit card debt, buying cars but not getting insurance, jobs at low levels, can't pay their bills, kids and spouses and cancer and all kinds of things that I have been so very blessed not to have to deal with.

I fuck up sometimes. More often than I should, sure. But I'm not some crazy person who requires freaking Al-Anon.

I just. What the hell do I do with this?

About how she would give me all the money in the world if she could, but it wouldn't change my attitude.

Well, no.

And I was like, look, this summer I'll take you off the account. And she said NO you are going to *need* me and the problem isn't me being on the account it's what you do with the account, and you have to tell me in advance if you think you're going to overdraft so I can fix it. And this won't change until--I swear to god, she said this--I can handle this on my own and she can't read my mail.

Huh? She's arguing in circles. The problem from where I sit isn't you (except in that, yeah you may be a little less responsible with money than you should be, but I'm not going to throw a stone lest my glass walls come crashing down), but this co-dependant, need to control stuff is coming from her end.

She needs to bail you out, even if you don't need her to.

my read on this

1) she is mom, which means she will worry more than you think nessicary

2) mom has had some very bad experiences with people - so she reacts much stronger

3) you guys don't think the same way

The two things I can say are - Don't use your overdraft if you can help it. It costs too much. Also get mom out of the loop, you are causing her worry and you extra agitation. She is going to continue to worry and give you unwanted advice as long as she has some control over your money

Truthfully, SA -- and you KNOW I say this b/c I think our mothers have a lot of crazy in common -- I think that she's still working out *her* issues, and unfortunately, she's doing it via you.

I don't think it's about you. I think that, through her efforts to get *your* life in order, she's either (1) avoiding getting her *own* life in order, (2) pretending that, because she can arrange *your* life, that must mean that her own life is peachy keen, or (3) both 1 and 2.

It's not you. Really, really, REALLY.

What the hell do I do with this?

I'd sit on it for a few days, actually, and let things sort out in your head. Daisy & beth are giving good advice, but I'd need a few days to let it shake out.

It sounds like she's projecting her issues all over you because your behavior is similiar but she can't separate that you're different.

Definitly take her name off your account and figure out if there's someone who can take your mail while your away that won't read it, because it seems like even if she's off your account if she gets your mail she'll read it.

I really can't say anyting about the overdrafting because I still do, but yeah the fees are a killer.

((((SA)))) I don't really know what to say. But I'll try.

If you have chronic issues with your parents, it might be appropriate to get some help in dealing with them -- at the very least, on how to deal with the situation in a healthy manner. I don't know enough about Al-Anon to say whether that would be the right place to go or not.

That isn't to say that I think you have chronic issues -- your post suggests not, but I wouldn't rule it out.

Unfortunately, parents are rarely satisfied with, "I'm doing better than many of my peers." They tend to be satisfied only with, "I'm doing as well as you want me to." And I don't have any suggestions on how to deal with that in a healthy manner.

BTW, I think you are doing a great job living your life SA. You have the ability to see that although a situation may not be perfection( i am thinking of your college) , there are things that make a place or situation worth while.

::deep breath:: This is not my crazy. This is not my crazy.

The thing is, I think I'm a pretty normal human, overall. I had a good upbringing, graat parents, a stellar education, and now I'm doing cool stuff. My mom? Has self-esteem issues you could paint a wall with. She keeps talking about codependency, and I don't think she realistically sees that I would walk away from her financially in a heartbeat. I did it once in college, when it *really* hurt (financially) to do so, because of her crazy, which resulted in an eight-month silence on my part and absolutely no financial assistance on her part (remember that summer I was in Chicago? That was then). And I survived. Hell, I did better than survive, I had a nice little life going for myself.

This summer I will get a PO Box for my mail. And take her off the account. I'd do it now, but apparently you have to do it while present. I misplaced the trust I put in both her and myself, thinking that she would somehow do what I asked of her and not what she thought was right. Which is the definition of a parent. When you're a minor. It doesn't work so well when you're in your twenties.

If you have chronic issues with your parents, it might be appropriate to get some help in dealing with them

This is pretty much the only problem I have with them. And I do think it's controllable. It's just extremely frustrating, because I can't even begin to comprehend how her brain goes from "well, then you don't need to deal with my account or read my mail, then," to "NO YOU NEED ME TO HELP YOU." Somehow I didn't think it was a difficult challenge for a grown woman to not read my mail when I ask her to. Apparently I was wrong.

It's problematic that I'm a foreign resident, though. There's not too many people I can really burden with hanging on to my mail, and I have to keep a permanent address in the states. I don't think this would have been an issue--or at least not the same issue--had I stayed in the States instead.

BTW, I think you are doing a great job living your life SA.

Right!?! A lot of people I know (me included) would love to be wooed by Cardiff and York, the rakes!