1) You know how sometimes people call you, and they're busy yelling at someone else when you answer the phone? You know how it's really loud in your ear, and really, really rude? What would your reaction be if the only part of the sentence screamed in your ear was, "I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF CLASS!"?

Depends. Ideally (for the sake of, you know, keeping my job) it would be a barely suppressed guffaw that either they wouldn't hear or I could play off as a cough.

Ideally (for the sake of telling the truth) I would say: "Well, nothing we sell here will help you. Thank you for calling [company]" and hang up.

I get telemarketers calling at work. I can generally tell them from other sales people because the telemarketers don't introduce themselves and their company (as a rule). I always tell sales people that I have to take a message and can't garauntee a return call and the telemarketers get put out because they can't take incoming calls. Or they'll offer to call later.

That's the point I get to say "I'm sorry but we don't do business with companies who are unable to provide contact information."

Although sometimes sales people don't get the hint that they probably won't get a call back with the "I can't garauntee a return phone call" and will pester me. I've handed out the messages! There's nothing I can do ! I suppose I could stand over whoever it is and make them call the sales person back but since we're talking about my superiors I don't think they'd like being bossed around by me!

...okay I will admit to sometimes throwing away the message. Depending on what the company is selling.

"I need your CEO's phone number."

"I don't have it."...

I used to get this all the time at my old job. Dude! We're an international company with billions of dollars in assets involved in dozens of markets! Do you really think Schmoe Customer Service Rep is going to be able to just dial up the CEO? "Hey, Jim, yeah. It's Joe. I got a customer who'd really like to chat with ya."

Thing I almost said in that situation:

"I want to speak with your CEO, transfer me to him."

"I can't do that, ma'am."

"You can't transfer me to your CEO?"

"No, ma'am."

"How do you get in touch with him when you need him?"

"We use the CEO-signal on the top of our building, ma'am. Generally, he comes pretty quick."

At one job where I had to answer phones, people would try to trick me into transferring them to the CEO. They'd ask to speak to "one of their consultants" who was in our office. Then they'd say that this "consultant" was meeting with the CEO in the CEO's office....

"How do you get in touch with him when you need him?"

"Ummm..... I am a lowly customer service rep, there are exactly ZERO situations when I need, or am in fact allowed to get directly in touch with our CEO."

"No, obnoxious and brain damaged customers howling for instant gratification are not on the list of exceptions to that. In fact, there is no list of exceptions where I'm allowed to get directly in contact with our CEO. In fact, all I get is a stapler, a pad of Post-Its (TM) and a list of times I get to go to the bathroom."

"No, obnoxious and brain damaged customers howling for instant gratification are not on the list of exceptions to that. In fact, there is no list of exceptions where I'm allowed to get directly in contact with our CEO. In fact, all I get is a stapler, a pad of Post-Its (TM) and a list of times I get to go to the bathroom."

You worked there too?

"How do you get in touch with him when you need him?"

Heh. Did you know that if you work at the Evil Empire, you must talk the two top guys? It's true! People outside of the company tell me that all the time.

rolls eyes

I mean, sure, I actually do work in the same building as them, and theoretically I could walk up to the top floor and see if I could find them. I bet the security guards could use the laugh.

You worked there too?

No, I just knew a guy who did. I think his name was.... you.

"No, Really, You Are An Asshole: Why Customer Service Reps Hate You. Hate You, Personally. Yes, YOU, Jackass!"

ha! Best seller

Although, speaking from a customer's perspective, sadly sometimes you have to be a bitch and a pain in the ass to get what you need.

I hope that I would be the type of tech writer who'd check the style guide before submitting something to my editor but, alas, I have neither style guide nor editor here (except my boss sometimes if he has time).

I love that age old telemarketer scam "I need the model number on your copier." We're a non-profit, our copier is billions and billions of years old. It's the Flintstone's old dinosaur and crude version. I know who handles our copier stuff, mostly because they're out here once a week banging on the dinosaur's head to get the thing to start running again.

So now I fuck with them.

"Hang on." Puts them on hold
"Ok. Where is it again?" Puts them on hold again
"Is it the thing that says Company ID?"

Lets all this go on for a while.

"Oh, by the way, can I get your vendor number for the purchase order?" (Which is actually nonsense because we don't do our own purchasing).
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