"Okay, okay, so...all right. No need to rally the troops..."

"What troops?"

"A minor quibble, Hector, don't bother me. That damnable rabbit has pulled my ass out of the fire and don't think he's not going to pester me about that until I set things right for him someday..."

"Easter's not too far away."

"We can only hope some unspeakable evil has it in for Christian holidays mixed with pagan symbolism."

"Maybe some madman who wants to keep Easter pure?"

"Which way? No, never mind, it's too early to speculate. And we're off the subject. The point is, I told Santa I'd be there on the fifth day--"

"At dawn."

"I told Santa I'd be there on the fifth day AND I should put in an appearance. Did you get the horse?"

"Uh. Yeah..."

"And is he the finest horse bred by the Horse Lords evereverever?"

"Well, there's kinda a shortage, you understand, of Horse Lords around these parts..."

"What is this fine beast's name?"

"Crappyfax."

"What kind of a name...WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?"

"Uh. Crappyfax."

"Why is he all smudged and blurry?"

"Well, you see..."

"I'm not even sure it's a horse..."

"It's kinda supposed to be a pun, MM..."

*blink* *blink*

"I don't get it."

*sigh* "It's not for you to get, MM."

"Whatever. Is he fast?"

"Oh, sure...he's fast. Just not very clear."

"I'll have to chance it."

"Well crap!" I comment as I watch my Orc army flee from a much smaller group of little white fluffy animals. "What are those things anyhow?"

"Could be bunnies sir." Says my assistant.

I take a look at the big bunny who ruined my plans. "What is that?"

"Easter bunny sir. Sort of the Santa Claus of Easter only with lesser gifts and candy."

"That bunny will have to die someday."

"Easter's not too far away."

"Yes, perfect. This bunny will die on the very day for which it was named. Good thinking Deimos."

"Thank you sir."

"Meanwhile we have work to do."

"Are we still going to destory Christmas sir?"

"Not this year. We're going to sell Christmas crap at a large markup and then clearance it out later. If you can't beat them, then profit from them."

"Oh, good idea sir."

I smack my minion. "Of course it's a good idea!"

Apparently, Miracleman is planning on being the fifth horseman of the Apocalypse: Hung-over.

Apparently, Miracleman is planning on being the fifth horseman of the Apocalypse: Hung-over.

You laugh...but he's real. And he's a BASTARD.

It's status report time. Time to see how sucessful the retailing of evil is going. So far I'm unimpressed with the results. Evil is just not on the increase, in fact nothing much is going on at all. It's time for a new plan.

"So, my lowly minions, this is the new plan. We will forge some rings of power to give to the city council members, but in secret we will forge a master ring into which I'll pour my malice, my..." I notice my minions giving each other looks. "What!?"

One minion nervously speaks up. "It's been done sir, there were movies made and oscars awarded and..."

With a little waggling of figures I conjure a portal from which massive clawed arms emerge and drag the screaming minion into their hellish dimension.

"Good point. We need to come up with something new."

"Honey? What's this gold ring in the bottom of your top dresser drawer?"

"Bob, why are you poking through my drawers--oh, god, I didn't say that. What ring?"

"Pretty stone in the top of it, looks old. We're not going to have a troop of adventurers coming through looking for it, are we?"

"If we do, I've got dibs on the short, dark-haired one with the haunted eyes."

"OK. I want the tall scruffy one."

"Which one?"

"Yeah ..."

I walked through the backyard, kicking at the ugly piles of decaying snow, in a thoroughly irritated mood.

"Brian!" I shouted, and not for the first time. "Where the hell are you, honey?"

There was a strange half-choked gurgle sounding from behind the woodpile. I grabbed a piece of kindling and ventured a glance.

My husband crouched there, studying - nay, fondling - the metal object in his hands. The light bounced off his scalp as he turned to me, hissing, "It'sssss mine! My preciousssssssss."

"Yes, sweetie," I sighed, "it's yours. No one is trying to take it from you."

I reached down in an attempt to help him to his feet. "NO!" He scrabbled further away from me and bared his teeth. "It'sssss mine, you can't have it, filthy wivesesssss."

"Okay, fine, have it your way." I was angry, and tired of his possessiveness. "Fat lot of good it's going to do you out here," I muttered as I headed to the house. "And it's not like I can't just get up off the couch and turn the channels manually."

Hans and I finish loading the last of the kiosks on the truck. Okay, by loading, I mean watching the robot do the loading, but the kiosks are loaded and that's the point.

"So boss, what is all of this for?" asks Hans.

"Project H."

Hans returns to the lab. "I'm done boss. The kiosks have bee place all over the city."

"Eeeexcellent. It's time to activate project H." I get ready to flip the big switch marked 'Project H'.

Hans looks at all the computer equipment in the lab. "So what is Project H?"

"Only the future of entertainment my big friend. What do you find on DVDs these days?"

"Movies."

"And...."

"Software."

"And..."

Hans considers it for a minute. "Aren't there audio DVDs nowa..."

"TV shows. People buy DVDs with TV shows on them. Project H takes this to a new level."

"Virtual Reality? I noticed the neural interface helments on the kiosks." Asks Hans.

"Oh, it's much more than than. My new reality extrapolator quantum computer analyzes the entire TV show, cross references it with everything on the Internet and allows the user to modify the TV shows as they see fit. Don't like a plot point, change it. Don't like how a character develops, change it. Incorrect science, fix it. I'll make a fortune from Trekkies alone. These kiosks will let me test the concept." I flip the big switch and all the kiosks activate at once, linking to the R.E.Q. computer and it's vast library of entertainment media.

"It's working. The future of entertainment is mine, BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!"

Hmmm, what're they selling now...

R.E.Q. Entertainment Kiosk - where you run your favorite shows!

Huh. It's got The Avengers, Homicide, Firefly...

Wonder if it's got a porn filter...No, filter. That can't be right. I could just take Emma Peel and John Crichton and Willow all...How much does this cost anyway?