"This is taking far too long. How long have we been waiting in this line Deimos?"

My minion, who has taken the form of a female child to help us blend in, looks at her watch. "Ten seconds boss."

I look at the line ahead and see several snotty nosed, bothersome children in front of us waiting their turn to sit on this Santa Claus's obese lap and whine about the pathetic toys they want. Looking around, I only see a couple of elfs. They don't look much like elves, are wearing stupid-looking shoes, and appear totally unarmed.

"This Santa Claus must be powerful indeed to have so little protection. I haven't sensed a single ward, and these so called elves look worthless. I suppose it was wise of me to stand in this line and take him by surprise. How long has it been now?"

"20 seconds boss"

A paper airline shatters my window at hurricane speed and imbeds itself in the wall opposite my desk. I put down my angry rake and pull it out of the wall without tearing it. Heh. A saucy bit of Willow/Faith fic. Well, alright...

No, no, no, the castle's barely in sight, and already the mob's getting distracted by pamphlets. Curse that Gudanov and all his mad scientist ilk.

"Achmed, put that down! Eris knows what subversive propaganda he's firing at us!"

My faithful houseboy doesn't even look up. "I'm sorry, sitt, but . . . well, Kendra . . . they never did enough with her . . ."

Oh, no. Fic-bombs. Bombs of fic. Maybe even fic that bombs. I turn around, looking for support.

"Oh, for--Bob!"

He does look up. "What! I'll let you read it when I'm done. It's a new Wes/Gunn, current season. Gunn's saying something about a bucket."

Fine. I can't fight this. Gudanov wins this round, but, as Goddess is my witness, one day, you mad fiend, you'll--

Huh? What's that?

I crouch down and pick up the bundle of pages slowly, recognizing names. "Oh, sweet mother," I whisper. "It's a new Domestic Piranhas." I look around furtively, afraid someone will take it from me, then I lean against Bob--useful sturdy prop that he is--and begin reading.

Spike... with Giles... wow, that's hot... it seems an odd thing to use second person for, but never mind... ooooh... season two... my favourite... huh... is that physically possible?... Faith as well... her on top... oh, dear me... Mr Gordo/mystery... I like this... I want more... it's like crack...

Even a fictional, magical city can have its mean streets, its dark nights of the soul and I was heading out to investigate a possession when the fic bomb came through the window of the Sang Sacre police station. Ho hum, Spuffy. Tell me something I don't know, I asked the mook or mookette who was the unknown bomber. I was gonna throw it out, but, my God...so haunting, yet so perverse. Oh, well, an exorcism isn't much good till the priest gets there, I rationalized.

Finally, after a wait of ages we are next to see this 'Santa Claus'. The fat man in red looks at my disguised minion and makes a friendly 'come here' gesture. "Ho. Ho. Ho. Come here and tell Santa what you want for Christmas."

I grip the hilt of my sword and address Santa. "You business is with me, not my minion."

Santa looks confused, but recovers quickly. "Um...Ho. Ho. Ho. Then you tell Santa what you want for Christmas."

"I'd like to dance in a pool of your blood Santa." I draw my sword and strike in a single fluid motion. The stoke slices neatly through Santa's stomach and the followthrough slices a giant candy cane in two.

To my dismay there are not oozing entrails pouring from Santa, just some white fluffy stuffing.

"Holy shit!" yells Santa as he pulls off his beard and falls over backwards in his chair. "I'm not even really him, you freak!"

Behind me I hear lots of yelling and shrieking as children, people, and fake-looking elves run all over the place.

"Where can I find the real Santa?!" I demand showing him the pitch black, pointy end of my sword.

"Uh. The north pole." Says the cowering imposter.

"Run and tell him that I will be coming for him."

The imposter runs away from the Santaland display as my minion and I exit. "Well Deimos, it looks like we'll be going to the North Pole after all." Once we get a little distance away I casually fire a little ball of flame into Santaland and watch as it explodes into flames.

We make our way out of the mass of shoppers while being drizzled on by the overhead sprinklers. I can see why people like to avoid the mall during the holiday season.

Next thing you know, CSI: The Blood will be showing up to investigate.

t looks for the damned Bunny-B-Gon

I finally step off the boat and onto the docks in Sang Sacre. The cruise here had been interminable. My assistant thought it would be funny to book me steerage the whole way. We'll see how funny he thinks it is when I get back.

The salt tang of the sea air nips at my nostrils, bearing upon it the overripe scent of rotting fish. I'd heard many stories of the City of Sacred Blood, and even had a couple of different "seers" warn me of ever setting foot here, but I've never put much stock in the information" psychics give you in return for money.

I make my way down the creaking pier, and step off toward the heart of the city. I'm only here long enough to pick up a particular work of art, but tracking down its specific location may prove tricky.

I only hope the cover of this annual winter festival will keep any unwanted eyes from noticing my arrival.

"Well, that's something you don't see everyday."

"Don't say that!" Brian's voice is more than a little vexed. "You know that only encourages the strangeness."

We amble down the boardwalk in silence for a few moments.

"What."

"Huh?"

"What don't you see everyday."

"Thought you didn't want me to talk about that."

"Elena..." Really, it's remarkable how menacing he can sound when he puts his mind to it.

"The ship."

Brian shoots me a sidelong look that says 'and' as clearly as his voice would.

"The ship docking." Brian's expression doesn't change, prompting me to explain further. "It's just a little odd to have a passenger ship docking at this time of night."

"Maybe it's one of those party cruises again. Man, it was like a horde of locusts decending last time we had one of those."

"Swarm."

"Huh?"

"Pride of lions, murder of crows, swarm of locusts. And the really weird thing is that only one person got off the ship."

"Huh."

We've ambled up to Front Street and manage to catch the Sparrow as it makes it's uptown swing.

"What would horde be?"

"Huh?"

"Well, if it's a pride of lions, a murder of crows, and a swarm of locusts, what would a horde be?"

"Huh." I settle into the crook of Brian's arm and prepare my thoughts. "Visigoths?"

"Nah. ... Teenagers?"

"Not bad. ... Money?"

"That'd be aitch-oh-ay-arr-dee. ... Country music fans?"

"Be nice. ... American Idol fans?"

"Republicans?"

"Ashcrofts?"

"Now that's a chilling thought."

The North Pole:

Benny the Elf and Vinnie the Elf are enjoying a nice nature walk to get a little break from the stress of the toy factory.

"Dude, these nature walks suck! It's all just snow and ice anyhow." Exclaims Vinnie waving his arms and making his little elf bells ring. "Let's just go back to my place and watch some my new TTT Extended Edition DVD."

Benny twitches his little pointy elf ears. "What's that?"

"Jeez dude, it's The Two Towers from the Lord of the Rings triology. We're only delivering like a billion of them on the big day. You gotta take a break from the blocks and bikes division Benny."

Benny points to a ridge. "No, no. What's that sound. It sounds like it's coming from over the ridge."

Vinnie twitches his little pointy elf ears. "Sounds like drums dude."

They exchange a look and scramble to the top of the ridge. The valley below is filled with a massive camp of ugly creatures, with ugly armor, holding ugly weapons, and pounding on, yeah you guessed it, ugly drums.

"What the frell?!" Exclaims Benny.

"Those are orcs dude!" Responds Vinnie.

"What's an orc?"

"Big mean nasty creatures that like to kill elves. Dude, this is exactly why you need to see The Two Towers."

Benny takes in the view for a few seconds. "We gotta tell the big guy."

"I say we go back and get the other Elves, gather our bows, and wipe these guys out!" Says Vinnie.

"Vinnie, we're Elves. We make toys. We don't have bows, we have plastic swords and super-soakers. Look at your shoes man, do warriors wear pointy shoes?"

"Sorry dude, I may have watch a little too much of that DVD. Okay, let's report this to the big guy."

They scramble back down the ridge.

"Hey Benny, why is it daylight anyhow? Isn't it supposed to be night up here this time of year?"

"Elf magic Vinnie. The answer to all those sort of things is Elf magic."