"No! No No NO!" Edward squeaks. "Give me the hammer!"

"It's larger than you are," I reply, as reasonably as I can. "Besides... oh, FUCK!"

"See? You couldn't build a wooden box if it..."

Okay, that's enough. I stand up to my full five foot seven and three quarters, square my shoulders, look menacing, and say, quietly but firmly, "Listen here, Edward Fhtagn, Minon of Clovis and Descendent of the House of Little Piblington. I am the one attempting to house a..." I wave my hand vaugely in Jossica's direction, "a creature from some alien world. I am the one in charge around here. I am the one who, err, who has to save the world. I have to get this done, and get it done tonight!"

"Tonight, huh? Fat chance of the that happening! You wouldn't get this stupid hutch built if you had a million years!"

"Not so!" I declare, wave my hand in random and mystical passes over the wood and nails, and conjure them to form the desired dragonabbit residence.

Unfortunately, I forgot to allow for the energy required. A large hole appares beneath my feet, and as I fall, the last thing I hear is the sound of Edward giggling.

That'll teach me to play around on a ley line.

The taxi pulls to the curb in my street, and I get out with a relieved sigh. Damn, it's good to be home.

But I don't get a good look at the house until I've got my luggage out of the trunk and the taxi's gone. And that's when I realize that I don't have a house anymore, so much as I have a giant rosebush.

Really, it's a lucky thing I learned so any new and inventive curses from Firefly.

"Aargh! Fertilizer spells are not meant to go untended for two weeks! I do not want to live in Sleeping Beauty's rutting castle! Damn yoooouuuu, Hostrocket!"

Maybe someone can lend me a chainsaw. On the other hand, I'm a shoo-in for the Giant Plants competition.

I pull my midnight black Hummer to a stop in front of the old factory that I purchased after pursuading the former owners to a suitable price. It's old and menacing just as promised. The daylight isn't helping, but that can be addressed.

"What's the plan boss?" Asks my minion.

"Set up shop."

"Then what?"

"That is what, you idiot. This will my new evil super store. A one stop shop for all your evil needs. I've decided to go into business, It's what one does in this world after public service. The tough part will be coming up with the name, I thought of 'Evil-Mart' but it seems done." I pull my briefcase out of the car and head for my new store. "Come along Deimos, there is much work to be done."

For a brief, hallucinatory moment it seems like the water has been suspended, frozen on it's way to the tomatoes. I shake my head. Just a weird moment.

No, wait, something is wrong. Something is definitely wrong. I head into the house and call the Time and Date service. Dammit! More lost time, but at least I don't need a haircut this time. The house seems to be just as I left it and the cat is not acting out in any way.

I think I need a break. Maybe I should head into town for more garden tools, and catch up on the gossip.

Achmed is waiting for me at the door when I get home. "You have that 'Life is not supposed to get stranger' look on your face again, Achmed. What's happened?"

"It's Bob, sitt. If you'd just go peek into the office ...?"

"If there is a large pile of dust on the Persian carpet, Achmed, I may have to re-think that employment for life contract you have."

"Oh, he's still--non-alive, sitt, he's just--he's been doing it for the last hour, and I know you love your flat screen plasma monitor--"

"AHH!" If he's fucked up the computer, dust will be too good for him.

I skid to a halt in the office doorway. Bob is at the desk, pounding his head onto the desktop, not the monitor, which he is just clutching with both hands.

"Bob?" I ask cautiously, going in? "Bob, you've got splinters in your forehead, you might want to stop that."

"No no no no no," I hear him mutter.

"No no no etc. what?"

"He's back."

Never words you want to hear. "Who's back?"

"Aeshma."

"Oh, god, no--are you sure?"

One hand unclenched from the monitor and pointed at the image. He was still pounding his head.

"Mother blessed goddess, no."

It's an ad for a new store in town. "Aeshma's! Your one-stop shop for all your evil needs! Minions to punish? We have new torture implements every week! Regimes to overthrow? We've got fill-in-the-blank smear campaigns! Neighbors to harrass? Rent-a-creature of all kinds! Cheaper than anything you can get from the neighborhood mad scientist! 10% off to the first 100 evil-doers!"

"Well ..." I think of how to phrase it. "You can never have too many stores that sell leather pants."

tiptoeing in, hoping no one notices

It's close

Very close

SLUT!

edit: YES! Number of the Beast in the Sang Sacre thread! That's a good show-closer.

"You know what you need?"

Edward's voice echoes a little in the tunnel. I peer up at the sky, at least eight metres above me, and reply, "Yes, Edward, I do. I need you to shut up and go and find a rope."

"Okay, okay. Where from?"

"I don't know. There must be a store or something that sells them."

"I'll go and see."

"Don't be long!" but her head has already disappered from the little patch of sunlight over my head. I'm alone, in a dark hole. With my luck, I'll be eaten by rabid hobbits or strangled by the roots of an evil tree in just a few minutes. I'm slightly surprised I'm still alive, actually.