I pull my midnight black Hummer to a stop in front of the old factory that I purchased after pursuading the former owners to a suitable price. It's old and menacing just as promised. The daylight isn't helping, but that can be addressed.

"What's the plan boss?" Asks my minion.

"Set up shop."

"Then what?"

"That is what, you idiot. This will my new evil super store. A one stop shop for all your evil needs. I've decided to go into business, It's what one does in this world after public service. The tough part will be coming up with the name, I thought of 'Evil-Mart' but it seems done." I pull my briefcase out of the car and head for my new store. "Come along Deimos, there is much work to be done."

For a brief, hallucinatory moment it seems like the water has been suspended, frozen on it's way to the tomatoes. I shake my head. Just a weird moment.

No, wait, something is wrong. Something is definitely wrong. I head into the house and call the Time and Date service. Dammit! More lost time, but at least I don't need a haircut this time. The house seems to be just as I left it and the cat is not acting out in any way.

I think I need a break. Maybe I should head into town for more garden tools, and catch up on the gossip.

Achmed is waiting for me at the door when I get home. "You have that 'Life is not supposed to get stranger' look on your face again, Achmed. What's happened?"

"It's Bob, sitt. If you'd just go peek into the office ...?"

"If there is a large pile of dust on the Persian carpet, Achmed, I may have to re-think that employment for life contract you have."

"Oh, he's still--non-alive, sitt, he's just--he's been doing it for the last hour, and I know you love your flat screen plasma monitor--"

"AHH!" If he's fucked up the computer, dust will be too good for him.

I skid to a halt in the office doorway. Bob is at the desk, pounding his head onto the desktop, not the monitor, which he is just clutching with both hands.

"Bob?" I ask cautiously, going in? "Bob, you've got splinters in your forehead, you might want to stop that."

"No no no no no," I hear him mutter.

"No no no etc. what?"

"He's back."

Never words you want to hear. "Who's back?"

"Aeshma."

"Oh, god, no--are you sure?"

One hand unclenched from the monitor and pointed at the image. He was still pounding his head.

"Mother blessed goddess, no."

It's an ad for a new store in town. "Aeshma's! Your one-stop shop for all your evil needs! Minions to punish? We have new torture implements every week! Regimes to overthrow? We've got fill-in-the-blank smear campaigns! Neighbors to harrass? Rent-a-creature of all kinds! Cheaper than anything you can get from the neighborhood mad scientist! 10% off to the first 100 evil-doers!"

"Well ..." I think of how to phrase it. "You can never have too many stores that sell leather pants."

tiptoeing in, hoping no one notices

It's close

Very close

SLUT!

edit: YES! Number of the Beast in the Sang Sacre thread! That's a good show-closer.

"You know what you need?"

Edward's voice echoes a little in the tunnel. I peer up at the sky, at least eight metres above me, and reply, "Yes, Edward, I do. I need you to shut up and go and find a rope."

"Okay, okay. Where from?"

"I don't know. There must be a store or something that sells them."

"I'll go and see."

"Don't be long!" but her head has already disappered from the little patch of sunlight over my head. I'm alone, in a dark hole. With my luck, I'll be eaten by rabid hobbits or strangled by the roots of an evil tree in just a few minutes. I'm slightly surprised I'm still alive, actually.

I think Am-Chau may have forgotten quite how small I am. I'm not going to be able to do this without some major human-sized.... hello, what's this? A flyer for Aeshma's!

Okay, so time for a new plan. Abandon Am-Chau in her hole; leave dragonabbit to... whatever it likes; go to Aeshma's, buy up proper evil supplies, take over town, and hand it to Clovis on a silver plate.

Shouldn't be too hard. If I can just hitch a lift...

Man, but apartments hard to find in this town. I've been trying for weeks to move in.

I got so desperate, I even tried skimming the obituaries page, looking for new vacancies. But that didn't work either. The first landlord I called insisted to me that his tenant was perfectly happy and had no plans to move out anytime soon.

"But, um, didn't he just, you know, die?"

"Why, yes, miss. But we're equal housing opportunity."

Just when I was about to give up and just pitch a tent under the bridge, I finally caught a break. This little place in Tangley Mews calls me up and tells me that an apartment just became available. Which is super-cool, because when I called on Monday, they had insisted that there would be no vacancies for another two months, at least.

As I walk towards the building, I take a moment to gaze around the neighborhood. Cute little shops, lovely old brownstones--I could like it here. The people seem friendly, too; they smile and wave as I stroll past. Except, of course, for the woman who slips into the ally as I approach. She appears to be some sort of wanton lady of the night, clutching a bag of oversized foam numbers to her chest and cackling softly as she skulks down the sidewalk. Well, there's one in every neighborhood, I suppose.

I meet the landlord outside the building. Cute little man--about 5'2", curly grey hair, with an accent of indeterminate origin. We exchange pleasantries, and I casually mention how lucky I feel, not having to wait two months for this place.

The man looks at me askew. "What you mean? You call two months ago."

I smile sweetly. "No, I called on Monday."

"Yes, Monday two months ago."

I just smile and nod. Poor old man, getting a little forgetful in his age.

I walk into the apartment after him--and stop short. "Whoa. I thought this place was listed as furnished!"

"Is furnished, yes."

"No, it's empty." My voice echoes against the barren walls of the living room. I walk over and peek in the bedroom. Nope, nothing.

"Is furnished," the little man insists, waving a hand towards the corner of the living room, where a single hatstand waits forlornly.

"That's a hatstand."

"Yes, hatstand. Is furniture." He peers at me. "You want or not? Cause I got a witch, two demons, and a penguin who are interested."

I look around the room as I try to ignore the pain building at my temples. Well, aside from the furniture issue, it is a nice place. Nice and...roomy. And it's a nice hatstand. Too bad I don't own a hat. Besides? It's the only place available in town. I pull out the checkbook.

After he leaves, I stand alone in the middle of the room and sigh, my voice bouncing from wall to wall. "Looks like I'm going shopping."