Furniture arranged. Booze chilling and/or aging. Food arranged. Shovel walked. Flowers in vases. Stereo hooked up. Party Favours ready.

I wonder how many people will actually show up to my housewarming? I should have made a list of all the paper airplanes I sent out. Oh, well.

"You all set, Phrancis?"

Phrancis nods his assent and waves at us to take off. For once, Phred, the bird, and I actually leaving with a comfortable margin of error to get to Penny's party. Things are looking even better when I'm able to flag down a cab in under a minute. We pile in and set out for Dalrymple.

It's a lovely night. There's still some snow on the ground, rare in these parts, and it hasn't gotten grungey yet, so the lights sparkle off it.

"So, boss, what did you get for Penny's housewarming gift?"

I give him a puzzled look. "I thought you were going to get it."

"Nope, I'm sure you said you would take care of it."

"No way, we were talking about it in the bar, remember, and you said... Oh. Wait. Now I remember..." It hits both of us at the same time. We look at the penguin sitting between us, who is now staring up at the ceiling, whistling nervously, and trying desperately to ignore us.

"Okay, we have no gift." I see a convenience store on the corner, and tell the driver to pull over and wait.

Phred and I enter the store and split up. I head for the liquor aisle, and grab a couple of bottles. When I meet up with Phred at the counter, he's carrying a largish box. "What'd you get?"

"It's an InstaGolem®. They're the latest rage."

Yup, that's what it says on the box, "The Latest Rage!!!" I look around the store. The only alternatives seem to be Slim Jims or cartons of cigarettes, so we pay for our selections and head out. If it's new, she probably doesn't have one, right?

The cab is waiting, so once again he head off into the evening.

I take one last look in the mirror before heading out the door. Makeup's good, clothes are both tight and sparkly, boots are made for walkin'. I pick up my purse and leave.

Two minutes later, I reenter the house, grab Penny's housewarming gift (a cutting from my peppermint rosebush), and leave again. Oops.

I throw a crimson cloak over my new dress (white, Empire style, sleeves and hem bordered with delicate gold embroidery) and wait for the carriage to arrive to take me to Penny's. I hope she likes the housewarming gifts. I'm giving her a sgian dubh, because you never know when you'll need a good small knife in these parts, and a set of coupons for free skating lessons down on the canal.

Cripes! What if people bring their familiars? Don't panic. Don't panic. I have herring, tuna and Vienna sausages, which should cover a number of bases. Ooh. And sunflower seeds. I can put all the animal food on my sushi plates, maybe in the sun room.

Music? Ack. Don't worry about it. If my CDs don't cover it, my guests can make their own. I wonder if I should have made more vegetarian food?

I think I'm done. The place looks quite pretty with all the cushions and the fairy lights. I, on the other hand, look like hell. I quickly hide my work clothes and the laundry basket and fling my teal silk tunic over my black pants. The new beaded Persian slippers I got this morning fit perfectly, as if my feet have grown into them. I try not to think about that.

Just in time. The first guest has arrived.

"Dammit," Bob complains, "where is everyone?" The obnoxiously dexterous vampire circles me on his ice skates and even skates backwards for a little as he scans the half empty ice rink.

Fortunately he's staying in reach so I can grab onto his sleeve to gain momentum whenever I find myself slowing down. "You do know that mosh pits aren't approved of in skating rinks. It's generally considered rude to run into other people."

"Yeah, all the cool folk are somewhere else. Did we miss a paper airplane invitation or something?"

"I don't think so. Help me to the side, I want to check something." OK. so his help looks more like we really planned to do a bit of tango, but it felt nice so I won't complain. I had no idea the guy had a secret urge to play Scott Hamilton--or, more likely, that absolutely scrumptious Russian skater that stripped down for a worldwide audience at the Olympics last years.

Once I'm securely holding on to the railing, I reach into the pocket of my polar fleece jacket and pull out my Palm Pilot (ss). A few taps of the stylus on the screen, and it's updating itself off the wireless network.

"Oh, that's where everybody is! Housewarming at Penny's."

"Who's Penny?" Bob asks as he practices spins. Gosh, it's too bad the skating federations have those pesky rules about passing genetic screenings, the guy's good. Stupid speciesists.

"You know, I know I'm supposed to know, but I think your butt in those pants has caused my short-term memory to fragment on me again." Damn it, I said that out loud. The grin I get does not help matters. "But I'm pretty sure she did a lot to help clear up the mess in the Late Disturbance."

"So let's go party crash and meet the lady. Should we take weapons?"

Fair question, it is a Sang Sacre party. "Small ones, I think, the invitiation doesn't say anything about any particularly lively party games. You are your own weapon, and I've got a dagger in my bag, that should be sufficient. But we do need a present."

"What do you take to a housewarming? I'm assuming this is not just another word for firebombing the place."

"You're very strange. Why don't you leave the present to me."

"OK." But before we go, I let him off the protect-the-person-who-falls-on-her-butt-alot leash and watch him do a couple of turns around the ice without encumberance. Yep, a quadruple toe-loop. And it's my bed those cold feet hang out in. It's a good life.

or, more likely, that absolutely scrumptious Russian skater that stripped down for a worldwide audience at the Olympics last years.

(Alexei Yagudin. Who should totally play Spike if Joss ever does Buffy on Ice.)

A lot of people I didn't expect have shown up, which is all to the good. I hope DX isn't too embarrassed when he gets his party favour. Maybe it smacks of self-promotion to give everyone an InstaGolem (TM), but they are handy for spring cleaning, and at least I've sweetened the pot with the chocolates. As I explained to the penguin, if you eat one before bed, you have flying dreams. Unless you can fly, in which case you have car-driving dreams. He seemed interested.

Ah, there's Connie. Oh. My. Dog. Who is that stunning man with her? I think I'll just open this new bottle of wine and then take a break. I really should mingle more.

(Alexei Yagudin. Who should totally play Spike if Joss ever does Buffy on Ice.)

(I happened to be taping the skating exhibition, so I got his strip-tease on tape. I just have to find and preserve the tape)

Jilli... I'm leaving the sleigh ride to you. My brain's been eaten. If you like, we'll just turn up at the housewarming together, led by the Evil Bunny and Bear Alliance, but I'm cool with it if you have any other ideas.