I come back downstairs from a nice long non-talk with the gargoyles on the roof. Evil me is gone. I don't ask. Bob's in the kitchen with a bottle of beer.

"Sorted," he says. He doesn't look happy.

I shouldn't feel pleased. "Not so easy getting rid of a version of me that agrees more with your ideas on how to spend an evening?"

"God, no. She was--I think she would have done mean things to kittens. That attitude with your face messes far too much with my world view. By the time I got her to stop babbling, it was a relief."

"Mm, maybe a little TMI there."

"Sorry." He came over and actually hugged me. "She tasted horrible."

He's very nice to hold on to, so I let the hug go for a while. Then I pull back. "Since when do you like kittens?"

You'd think I'd just accused him buying tickets to a Celine Dion concert. "That's--where did you--hmph."

"You don't sulk well. It makes you look like a four-year-old who's just been told to finish his creamed corn before he gets dessert."

He gives me a serious look. "Are there any mirrors between here and hte roof? I cannot believe you actually mentioned creamed corn."

I should be out there fighting evil in all its forms and incarnations. But I have not had a happy day. "Probably only one way to be sure I'm really me. Make sure I taste right."

The doubtful look fades so fast into his patented evil-in-a-good-way grin that you'd think the face muscles would cramp. "I could do that."

Note to self: When the floods roll back, get a kitten.

I open my eyes. It's morning. Huh. And the last day of vacation before classes start again. Oh! I was going to make pancakes.

I struggle out from the confines of my warm bed-- literal confines, actually, I'm beta-testing for a friend her new invention Snuggles, the Blankets that Hug You back. To help, you know, insomiacs get to sleep. I advised her to think about chaning the name-- and go into the bathroom. I'm groping under the sink for a washcloth when I feel the light, tentative touch of fingers against my back. I yelp, and smash my head up into the mirror frame.

The person behind me snatches her fingers away, and gasps. "I'm sorry!" she says. And I'd swear I know that voice. I turn around to see... me.

Only not me. Her hair is smooth and unruffled by any overaggressive bedsheets; and her voice-- can my voice be that high? One hand's at her throat and the other's hovering in front of her mouth.

"I didn't mean to startle you," she continues. My voice is totally not that high! "I just, um, hello."

She's wearing a long, fluffy white nightgown. I refuse to feel schlumpy in these flannel pajamas.

"Where did you come from?" I ask.

She looks vaguely pained, then waves her hand in a way that conveys that it's the nearest dimensional weakness to here, only she doesn't want to say it straight out, because I really ought to have known that and she's embarrassed for me. I stare at her, and then I realize what happened. I check it-- yup. And, fuck. I haven't renewed the warding spells on the apartment for weeks. And this is the bathroom-- a mirror, right next to a window, a door, and several places of running water. Oh fuck. But it appears she's the only thing to have come through. I'm lucky I was here for it.

Well, this bathroom is a trifle cramped for the two of us. And I want to get her out of that ridiculous dress. Not out out, I don't think she'd understand if I tried to drag her into bed with me; just, she's got to change clothing. I refuse to have a conversation with someone who looks like me, has a ridiculously high-pitched voice, and is wearing a fairy-tale-princess nightgown. That's just too much.

I direct her into the bedroom. She circles the room slowly, gazing at the books piled on the dusty desk table and glancing at the patterns in the swirl of the wood grain of my floorboards, then sits down at the foot of my bed and looks at me attentively. "You've got to put on some different clothes," I say, and pull out a dresser drawer, all business. "I don't have any skirts that aren't pleather, right now, so I'm afraid you're going to have to wear pants."

She stares at me with wide, unblinking eyes, and I have the unshakable feeling she's paying more attention to my earrings than what I'm trying to say. She doesn't seem stupid, though; just very, very interested in certain things. Or whatever's directly in front of her. I give up, and sit down next to her on the bed. The blankets seem to have gone back to sleep; I can hear them purring softly behind us.

She's examining the stitching in the quilt on my bed. "You might have at least been wearing a leather corset," I say sadly.

i have not known this place before. it is a very new place. the leaves turn over and die an instant later, but remain green. i know i do not understand it.

she walks it quickly. i am watching her. i do not think yet. i do not know anything.

i am watching everything.

there was a moment, there was an instant and i could remember something. there were-- ice. there were reflections, and sound echoing from the tops of high cliffs. there was a message sent. warning. there were teardrops. or flashes of light. there was breath fogging uselessly into air. i do not remember anything completely.

where i came from there was no green.

i do not think she knows.

no. yes. a moment. a memory.

i follow her. the grass is rough in this part. her mind echoes "sidewalk", her mind echoes "street" and "cars" and "motherfucker in the blue volvo, it's called the goddamn turn signal". she does not know me.

ice. and leaves. it is only a beginning.

there had been a signal.

yes.

it is warm here.

Half an hour later, she's wearing a pair of jeans so old they're soft and thin and practically not denim any more, and a ratty pink shirt from the bottom of my dresser. I couldn't convince her into any other color. I put on black, all black, and while I'm tying up my stompiest boots I notice she's braided her hair into several smooth plaits while staring out the window at the public park below. I can't believe it.

But, you know, I figure, I have an evil twin, I may as well take her out to breakfast. We're walking along the main drag of Sang Sacre, trying to find a place that's still open for pancakes. She trails a few steps behind me, examining every object in every shop window, and I'm starting to seriously think about a leash and choke collar. Not in the fun way, either, in the "let's walk a little faster" kind of spirit.

I tug her away from a display of neon lighting in every shade of the rainbow, and turn around to see a familiar figure in a long black coat, hurrying into the traffic. I grab her hand and start running. "Hec!" I yell.

He turns around, and I wait for a comic moment of doubletake when he realizes there are two of me. But it doesn't seem to have fazed him.

"Hi," he says. "Your evil twin? She's kind of fuzzy."

"Hello," she says politely.

"See?" I whine. "That's just my point! I'm supposed to be the neck-lick-ee. My twin's supposed to come in wearing black leather and being threatening. What do I do when life doesn't follow canon?"

"Well," he says, "I'd love to stay and talk, have an evil conversation with your variously evil selves, but I'm kind of in a hurry. You know. Great battle, matter of balance between good and evil, it occurs around these parts about every six months. Some towns have softball leagues...." He clears his throat. "I've got to go talk with some of the big guns."

I glance behind me. The other me has pulled my arm back, and she's studying the grip of my fingers around her wrist. I hope she isn't planning on making a break for it. I tighten my grasp enough to make my fingers go white, but her face remains placid.

Hec's making polite noises of goodbye.

"Hey, one more sec," I say, and grab his arm with my free hand before he leaves. "Do you notice a difference between her voice and mine, by the way? Wouldn't you say hers is a little higher?"

"No," he says. "You're exactly similar, couldn't tell you apart except for the clothes. And the hair. And the attention span. I've really got to go now."

I glower.

"There isn't enough soap."

"To hang ourself?"

"That would be rope."

"You're being pedantic."

"You're hogging the water."

"You're hogging the loofa."

"Trade you."

"Only if you let me use the conditioner first."

"Done."

"And scrub my back."

"Scrub your own damned back."

"That's what I'm asking."

Okay. She has a point. But if she starts with the puns, I'm turning the cold water on both of us...

My world has gone turvy topsy. My Thai bowl turned out to be pea soup. My lemon grass tea was hot Dr. Pepper. I missed my streetcar. People pushed me on the sidewalk. A passing cab splashed slush on my pants.

If I wanted to live in the world I wouldn't have bought a house in Sang Sacre.

Stupid world. You want to be pissy to me? Be prepared for pissiness on an epic scale.

I stomp down the street toward home, growling menacingly under my breath; my scowl would turn a hero to stone. I push through the crowds at the Aztec - a gaggle of girls are giggling and squealing. Their delight vexes me. I am vexed.

"The Hobbits do not end up in a massive group marriage! Legolas and Aragorn never consummate their burning passion! Haldir dies a virgin!"

My voice is hoarse by the time I've finished screaming, but the girls have melted in tears. Good. If I'm to be vexed, by Jebus, I'll spread the mood to everyone who irks me.

I storm into the house, slamming doors. I start to strip off my sodden pants and hop around the hall like a freak before I bang against the wall.

"Damn, damn, damn, with a side order of damn!"

Brian comes around the corner, holding a fire extinguisher. "Have you looked in a mirror lately?"

"Do I look like someone who has spent all morning preening? Hmmm?"

I would think that my bedraggled appearance would convince him, but he looks skeptical. I stagger to the parlour and slump to the couch; the velvet upholstery feels nice against my cold, bare thighs. That's when I notice something odd.

"What the fuck is that about?" I ask Brian, motioning toward the black shrouded mirror over the mantle.

"Weird things are going on with mirrors. A bunch of your PlayDoh Uruks looked into the hall mirror and split into Elves and some truly grotesque Goblinesque creatures."

"Huh."

"And now the Elves have taken over your dressing room; they've used all the hair gel and shorted out the blow dryer."

"Huh."

"And the freaky Goblin things are tormenting the cats."

"The cats are big boys, they can handle it."

"And the first batch of Uruks have started to harden."

"Yeah?"

"You know how PlayDoh gets. They've been crumbling to dust, and I'm tired of sweeping up."

"Whatever."

"They got dust on your Lord of the Rings DVD."

I managed to fit the entire Fuzzy Pumper Orthanc into the original box. It isn't pretty, but duct tape covers a multitude of sins.

"Where should we send it?" It's a quandry, you don't want just anyone to have this sort of thing. You want it to go to someone who'll appreciate it.

Brian looked up from the corner where he was industriously dust busting. "Give it to Clovis. He always wants minions."

"That's a thought. But Jilli won't like that."

"Never mind, then. I don't want to alienate Jilli. You never want to lose a friend who throws such great parties."

There is silence; or there would be, if the dust buster wasn't working overtime. Brian finally shuts the damn thing off.

"We could give it to Emmett. You know how he loves all things evil."

Huh. That is true; but, wait. "Yeah, but don't you think that Hec might get a little mad and stop coming around?" But I'm speaking to an empty room. Brian had grabbed the package and rounded the corner before I could finish the thought.

Ah, well. Hec's pique will only last as long as it takes me to make a hair appointment.

I settle down on the couch and pick up the remote. Oooh, Firefly.

The magic is rising- it is ready to flow- my voices cracks a little, my throat is dry- it sloshes about a bit, undecided- and then I throw up.

Note to self: learn difference between 'can do magic' and 'knows theory of magic'.

I open my eyes and swallow with difficulty. Suddenly, I realise that what I'm looking at is not a small puddle of vomit, but something worse.

"Oh dear," Hector sighs behind me.

It's a full size zombie, its eyes rotting and its skin peeling. Literally. The thing is made of green jelly and apple slices.

I decide to leave Am-Chau to her magic, and get more information through a traditional source. I grab Miracleman's newspaper from the hall table and check out the headlines. Random bombings? I read the first few paragraphs, and am struck by how familiar the targets are from my own internal rantings. Hell on a stick. According to the paper, the evil twin phenomenon is fairly widespread, but considered generally harmless. Some people are even shopping with their twins. Why did mine go on a bombing rampage? Maybe it's because I never had a sister. I am extremely irritated by the unfairness of it all.

Behind me, Am-Chau's chanting gives way to the horrid sound of gagging. I turn to hand her another towel, only to be confronted by yet another green monster. I shriek and throw a towel at its face. The thing grins evilly.

"You startled me, you son of a bitch! Never do that to anyone again, EVER!"

As I mentioned, my ability to curse is not something I was trained to do. Nor is it terribly reliable. Sometimes, however, it is very effective, especially when I don't think too much about it.

The zombie jumps back a bit, then hangs its digusting, oozing head. I fix the creature with a very stern look. It opens Miracleman's door, then shambles off like a rotting penitent.

I don't try to stop it because, ew! Am-Chau is less than impressed.

"Hey, it's a temporary solution."

"All right, devils damn you, ALL RIGHT!!"

Heh. All the curses, all the charms, incantations and enchantments...

None of 'em add up to a combination of headlock and atomic wedgie.

"You're going back where you came from," I hiss in my double's ear. "You're going back and you're gonna work your damnable mojo from the other side and you WILL call all the other evil twins back or by all the gods in all the multiverse I will climb in after you and see if I can't hang these boxer-briefs by your godsdamned EARS!"

"Okay. OKAY!!" he screams as I tug upwards a little bit more.

"And if you see that bastard Aeshma, tell him I still have ideas for him that will make his stay in a mountain resort seem much more pleasant. Got that?"

"YES!"

I frog-march him to the nearest mirror and shove him through. He turns and glowers at me.

"Now that you've released me..."

I grab the frame of the mirror and prepare to hoist myself through.

"Just KIDDING!! Fuck! Get a sense of HUMOR!!"

"Do it."

He mumbles and gesticulates in dead and bloodcurdling languages. His image starts to shift and fade...

Just before he's gone, he sticks his tongue out at me. I flip him the bird.