I know the attitude before about new people was "one of us! one of us!" and now the attitude is "prove yourself."

Bore repeating. It's this trend I think I find most disturbing.

I'd like to suggest that this is the civilized way to handle people who annoy you -- gossip behind their backs.

Wow do I not agree with this. If you can't say it to someone's face, my personal policy is to try not to say anything. Not saying I'm always so angelic, but to characterize gossip as civilized doesn't work for me. IJS.

I'm with Knut. I post on another board where if you expressed BHP's POV, you'd get thwapped. I mean, I agree back-channelling is better than picking huge fights every time someone posts because you cannot stand the way they hit the "e" (online equivalent of the way they "breathe"). But in general, it's better to bite your tongue typing fingers and just let. it. go. I decided a few months ago that I wasn't usually gonna fight with people online anymore -- and I'm *amazed* how much happier I am with the time I put into this. IJS.

Plus, I don't feel like I understand the social network here well enough to be certain that a snarky email sent to person C about person A won't make its way back to A very quickly. But that's me.

I'm a selfish, snobby, elitist Buffista. And i realize that I'm probably alienating some people with that statement.

Not me.

Plus, I really respect your opinion, Allyson, b/c you've seen The Bronze (Mark 1) fall apart.

My view of what happened to the Bronze is my own, though, Steph. A whole lot of people HATED the old Bronze, the constant fighting, the quick stomp on newbies that spoke in chatlice dialects, etc.

I was a meanie, there. I came here because I could just talk without feeling the need to boot every third person in the teeth for cluttering the board with chatcrap and idiocy.

than your suggested alternative

Michele, what alternative did I suggest? The one about "Do we have enough glasses?" It was more of a wishful thinking about how I wish things would have gone. Not many alternatives at the moment, just dissection and cleaning up.

Well, like I said, I'm sorry if my talking about back-channelling makes people uncomfortable. But I'm not sorry I do it, because otherwise my head would explode.

This is fascinating for me because it's challenging my worldview. I take it for granted that if you're friends with A,B, and C, you will occasionally quietly say to C "What IS with A lately?" and you assume that B sometimes does the same about you. I think that that sort of quiet venting helps keep the larger friendship alive; if you sit on the resentment and never vent it, it builds up. If you do a reality check with one person, you get to vent, and you also get to find out if you're misbehaving. I think of it as midcourse correction; now I'm learning that some people think of it as betrayal.

Well, like I said, I'm sorry if my talking about back-channelling makes people uncomfortable. But I'm not sorry I do it, because otherwise my head would explode.

I have no problem with it. I call it "venting".

If you do a reality check with one person, you get to vent, and you also get to find out if you're misbehaving.

Yeah, exactly.

I feel bad because I don't want our community to implode or explode or go up in a flamey explosion. I want us to keep our identity.

But I want growth as well, I don't want change to adversly effect us but I do want us to evolve.

I think that's reasonable.