Out of surgery and recovering well. They used an epidural! And lasers! Two kinds! Oh, this modern world we live in.

Not releasing the ~ma just yet, but willing to share.

Rest in peace Byron, my beautiful boy. Seventeen and a half years wasn’t nearly enough.

I feel like I have been massively absent around here and when I am present, it's all Bartleby, all the time.

Sadly, I'm back for more ~ma for the little guy.

But first, I'm thrilled to report to everyone who helped us that his back end is doing wonderfully. Not completely healed, but very nearly. The new antibiotic worked wonders and his wounds are almost totally closed. That should be finished in a week or so.

I had desperately hoped that his nose issue was a dental infection that would resolve with the antibiotic.

It has become clear that this isn't happening, which means that the obstruction, that is causing the blood and sticky mucus from his nose at least 8 times a day is being caused by a tumor or a foreign object.

Now I'm praying hard for a foreign object.

We can't know what it is without a CT scan. The CT scan cannot happen without the insurance company helping out. They would not help with the back end because it was a pre-existing condition...this issue is not.

We could really use some "It's covered"~ma. That won't make it free, of course, but it can be done.

I feel terrible to still be in need. I love a happy ending, just like everyone else and we are so, so, so close to getting Bartleby totally healthy. We just aren't there yet.

All your good wishes have carried us this far. If we can do the CT, it will happen on the 20th. Please keep us in your thoughts.

Could I get some good thoughts for my godsister's mother? She's been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. Mom didn't mention the type, but I'm suspecting melanoma from what I got in the email.

so I got fired. Wednesday is my last day. job-ma of the general variety would be appreciated.

I just spoke with Nilly - her father in law passed away tonight, and the ~ma will be appreciated. She also asked for thoughts and ~ma in direction of her own father, who is about to go through a medical test tomorrow.

We have a plan for next steps for Bartleby.

Tomorrow, at noon eastern time, I'll be dropping him off for a CT scan of his head and possibly a rhinoscopy to finally determine what is going on with his nose.

So far we have ruled out bacterial infection and lung cancer...so that's nice.

My strongest desire is for it to be a foreign object that can then be successfully irrigated out of his sinus. That would be awesome.

Other possibilities include a fungal infection, a dental root/fistula or a tumor.

Please send whatever spare 'It's out and done'~ma, you may have laying around, Springfield, VA way in the afternoon. Much obliged!

PS: Sparky, I left a message for you at home regarding tomorrow's plan. I'll be around all evening...though taking a nap right now, I think. I went to bed at 4 and got up at 7. The stress is really grinding on me.

This holiday season, let us remember that not everyone has a Santa Claus. It's true! Last year, I made a joke that I turned into a monologue for the San Francisco Theater Pub Christmas show. It was many people's favorite piece, and I still hear about it. Now you, too, can experience the wonder and glory of...Vishnu Claus.

[link]

(There are a couple expletives in the middle, so put on those headphones!)

I just found out this evening that the elderly cousin I visit in Memphis sometimes just got out of the hospital after a stay for heart troubles and pneumonia. Any quick-and-full-recovery vibes you can send her way would be appreciated.

This is such a good and kind community. My sincerest thanks to the many, many people who have sent me the loveliest message this evening, and for helping me to do the best I could.

I won't be around the threads much for a while, but I deeply appreciate the support and kindness.

It is three o'clock in the morning but I can't sleep and do not know when I will again.

Bartleby is dead and I am shattered.

He is everything. Just everything to me. But now he is gone and I honestly don't know how I will be me anymore.

I want to just be grateful for all the joy but I'm really not there.

Now that I'm sitting by myself, clutching his blanket and not hearing him sleep near me, I can't believe I did it. In some ways, I wish I had not, but my most rational mind...however lost it is in my grief...tells me I could not be honorable to him and do anything else.

The test today revealed a large tumor in his nose that was pressing down through his hard palate. There was evidence of it in his mouth that had not been there a couple of days ago. It was also strongly suspected that he had bone cancer based on an xray of his chest on Monday. And, he had begun to bleed again, which absolutely no one could explain to me.

While I sat in a darkened exam room, praying harder than I ever have in my entire life...fantasizing that they would burst in and say, "False alarm! He just snorted a blade of grass. Take him home now."...I heard a dog in the hallway who sounded miserable. So old/sick, struggling so hard to breathe. I said, outloud,"I won't let him suffer like that."

Somehow, I knew.

The very kind technician told me that chemotherapy would perhaps keep him alive for a few more months, maybe a year, maybe not at all. But it would have been for me...to stave off my grief and I just could not do that to him.

I asked them not to bring him out of the anesthesia because I could not bear the idea of him having one more moment of pain or fear. I held him so that I could feel his heart beat...and then I couldn't. It was so quick. So quiet.

This morning, he was strong and happy. I let him play off leash for the first time in weeks and he got to serendipitously run into his life-long buddy, Bob.

He was so happy.