Cool. I heard him saying that, as I typed it.(Note to self: Don't open with that, with the social worker, unless you want to explore the wonderful world of Haldol.)

Martha Stewart L&O Fic...it's Cindy's fault. Part one The uniform who first arrived on the scene said that what amazed him was the smell. Not the vic...the other one. Sort of piney, like Christmas. It was easily the sweetest smelling whodunnit in the Tri-state Area.

“I’ll be a son of a bitch,” Ed Green said, grabbing a danish.

“Do I even have to ask what that makes me?” Briscoe said. “On second thought don’t answer that.”
He was just starting to read the newspaper when the lieutenant caught his eye. “Don’t get too comfortable,” she said, giving them one of her looks, “I need you to run out to Connecticut and talk to a witness.”

“Why? Connecticut’s Finest jammed up behind a crooked polo match?” Lennie asked.

Everyone in the squad chuckled, but Lieutenant Van Buren wasn’t happy. And when she wasn’t happy, nobody was happy, no matter how Nobody’s horse did in the fourth at Aquaduct. Lennie made a face, but as they say in AA, no single moment is unendurable. Those are looking to be close, though.

"I need somebody who can handle something...delicate."

"Careful, Lieu, the last person who said that to me, I married."

"I'll risk it. But you still need to go see Martha Stewart.

"I must be getting deaf. Did you say Martha Stewart? The cookbook lady?"

"Did I stutter? Yep, that's the one."
"Too bad, Briscoe. You're gonna have to change your socks." his partner kidded.

"Yeah. She's a VIP. I'll go nuts and change both of 'em. But what the hell...excuse me, Van Buren, am I gonna talk to her about? Do hot dogs count as cuisine?"

"You'll have time to figure that out on the way to Westport." the lieutenant said.

"Overtime," Green said. "It's a Good Thing."

Part 2 of L&O meets Martha Stewart
Lennie was quiet on the drive, even more so as the streets get wider and more tree-lined. “Briscoe,” Green said. “Do you ever think you’d be different if you grew up here?”

“Sure, “ Lennie deadpanned. “I’d pass out with my pinkie in the air and an imported lampshade on my head.”

“You’re awfully class-conscious, you know that?”

“Get a load of Colin Powell over here.” Lennie took a drink of his coffee.” See, Ed, when you’ve been on the Job as long as me, you’ll learn we all put our pants on one leg at a time. Only the scenery changes.”

“That’s kind of cynical.”

“Gee, and people confuse me with the Tooth Fairy all the time. As my daughter says “Don’t be such a buzzkill.”

“Lennie, I thought you and your daughter were...you know, estranged.” Briscoe smirked, but the squad car was starting to feel smaller than usual. Maybe the domestic diva could make another one out of pop cans.

“That’s where you’re wrong. With careful and patient effort, we’ve worked our way up to friendly indifference...eh, it’s not too bad. I used to think she’d cheer my honor guard.”

“Tough break,” Green looked at the map. “Is it a Circle or a Terrace we want?”

“Circle, dahling. Having an old Jew show up on her doorstep, she’ll think it’s April 15th.”

I am loving this, Erika. You are so good at the banter.

Thanks!

heheheheheheheheh.

Fresh piney scent.

Mrmphm...

Thanks.I guess the sabbatical's over.

A nice big chunk of Nessuno. Alexander, Guglielmo and Giancarlo continue their trip to the Papal palace after being waylaid in the street

Alexander had recovered his composure by the time they reached St. Peter's Square. At least, he looked like he had. Inside he still heard the gasps of dying men and the sound of bodies falling to the ground. And Guglielmo said that was his job, to have people trying to kill him. Alexander knew he lived a sheltered life within the precincts of the church, but he hadn't realized just how isolated he was.

The sun was casting long shadows off the dome of the old church. The Basilica was over a thousand years old, but talk had being going around for years now on how best to renovate the venerable structure. Maestro Bramante doodled plans for grand domes and great pillars on stray bits of parchment while muttering things about da Vinci and Michelangelo. As he led his companions through the twisting corridors, Alexander fretted about the Maestro's reaction to his being absent from classes, whether he was off on legitimate business or not.

Giancarlo nudged Guglielmo. "By the way, where are we going?"

"Cesare Borgia wants to talk to me about something."

"Do you know what His Eminence wants?"

"Oh, he's not a Cardinal any longer. He's renounced the cloth and is gathering more earthly power."

"Can he do that?"

Guglielmo smiled. "His father's the Pope. He can do what he wants."

Cesare Borgia's chambers were in the newest portion of the Vatican complex, several corridors away from the Papal apartments, though rumors spoke of secret passages that allowed rapid communication between father and son. Two fully armed members of the Papal Guard stood outside the door. Alexander swallowed hard in order to speak.

"I've brought Maestro Guglielmo il Sanguinante to see His Excellency."

The right-hand guard gave him a contemptuous look as the left-hand man considered the mercenaries.

"That is not Guglielmo il Sanguinante," he said, nodding at Giancarlo.

Guglielmo sighed in perfect boredom. "His Excellency is waiting to see me. Perhaps you could leave it to him to decide who he wants admitted to his presence. If we're intruding, maybe he'll let you two take care of punishing us. Or we can just leave, I can go do what I was going to do this evening, and when he asks why I didn't show up for this meeting, I'll tell him that his two guards wouldn't let me in." He shrugged and turned to go.

"You can't do that!" Alexander protested. "His Excellency is waiting for you!"

Guglielmo shrugged. "If I can't get in, I can't get in. Don't worry, brother, you did your part. It's not your fault His Excellency's guards are so zealous in their work." He smiled at the fidgeting guards. "His Excellency will know the appropriate rewards."

The two guards looked at each other anxiously, then at Giancarlo. The one shrugged at the other, who nodded.

"Your pardon, Maestro," the first one said. "Of course you would have an attendant." He looked at Alexander. "Take them in."

Alexander hesitated. "I was just told to bring Maestro Guglielmo. I've brought him." He did not want to come any more to the attention of Cesare Borgia. Far, far better to remain an anonymous messenger boy.

The guards were out of patience. "Take them in, boy. You're expected."

Guglielmo tapped Alexander's shoulder. "Yes, brother, let's go. It seems *we* are expected."

Alexander gave him a confused look. The mercenary's face was bare of expression except for the typical mocking smile. The hand was heavy on his shoulder, and Alexander sighed in resignation. The second guard opened the door behind him, and there were no more options.

The room beyond was gloomy, lit only by a candelabra on a side table and the small lamp hanging over the altar at the east end of the room. The smells of rich food and incense hung in the air.

Guglielmo took his hand off Alexander's shoulder and walked cautiously into the room. Giancarlo stayed by the door. Alexander, unsure of what he was supposed to do now, stayed close to Giancarlo.

At the far end of the room, another lamp was slowly turned up. Behind the desk, the elegantly garbed Cesare Borgia considered the arrivals. He was only a few years older than Alexander, but his reputation was that of a much older man. As he leaned back in his chair, he ran a finger along the dark narrow beard that edged his jaw.

Guglielmo immediately bowed, but he kept his eyes on his host.

"Thank you for coming, Maestro Guglielmo," Cesare said in a faintly bored voice. He glanced at Giancarlo but said nothing on that matter.

"Your Excellency is to--" Guglielmo jerked his head towards a shadowed corner of the room. His left hand twitched.

"I asked His Eminence to join us," Cesare said in the same flat tone.

Out of the shadows stepped the elderly Cardinal Fortezzi. "God bless you, my son." He held out his right hand with a benevolent smile. Guglielmo didn't hesitate to go to him to kneel and kiss the Cardinal's ring.

Alexander hesitated, but when Giancarlo didn't move he stayed still as well.

Guglielmo rose and backed away just slow enough to still look normal. "How may I be of service, Your Excellency?" he asked Cesare.

"I will be hosting a gathering on the feast of St. Sebastian. I would like you to be present to make sure we are not disturbed."

Guglielmo frowned very slightly. "You want me to provide security for your party?"

The hand resting on the desktop twitched. "A small, quiet gathering in the evening. You are known for your discretion."

"All the men in our company are discreet. Captain Angelo would have it no other way. And they would come cheaper."

The hand twitched again. "His Holiness hired your company to serve him."

Guglielmo nodded. "It is an honor to serve the Holy Father."

"It is a wise man who knows his true master," Cardinal Fortezzi said from his corner.

"Indeed, Your Eminence," Guglielmo said. "I serve Angelo dell'Irlanda. He has hired our company to the personal service of His Holiness the Pope."

Alexander was holding his breath. Beside him, he saw Giancarlo's hand creep towards his sword. Desperately Alexander focused his thoughts on whether he'd get any supper tonight in the refectory or if he'd have to go to Brother Sylvinius and look pathetic again.

Slowly Cesare sat back in his chair, folding his hands together. "If I were to engage your services for the evening of St. Sebastian's, would you be available?"

Guglielmo nodded. "Barring any request from His Holiness, of course."

"Of course."

"As to the fee--"

Cesare waved a hand. "My chamberlain deals with such things."

"Of course." From the look on Guglielmo's face, the Borgia chamberlain would be receiving quite a bill.

Alexander was just breathing a very silent, very sincere prayer of thanksgiving when he heard faintly laughter. Just a breath of a cruel chuckle. He looked cautiously at Cardinal Fortezzi, but His Eminence did not looked amused at anything. The laugh came again, from the other end of the room, where no light reached.

He was just about to nudge Giancarlo when he heard his name. He looked up to find Guglielmo studying him. "Pa--pardon?"

Guglielmo's smile was mocking again. "You've been volunteered to be my guide again, Brother Alexander, for St. Sebastian's."

Blessed Mother, he wanted no more part of these people and their double meanings. But he was sworn. He bowed to Cesare. "As you wish, Your Excellency.

Cardinal Fortezzi smiled again. "The Chapel of St. Augustine of the Waters, my son. Be there by midnight."

Alexander frowned. "That's near the old walls, isn't it, Your Eminence?"

"Indeed."

He started to say more, but he noticed how Guglielmo was frowning at him. Confused, he stayed silent.

Cesare nodded briefly. "Until St. Sebastian's, then. Your Eminence, will you stay?"

"Of course, my son."

Guglielmo bowed, then backed towards the door. He snagged Alexander's arm in passed and pulled him after. Giancarlo covered the rear.

They barely paused for an exchange of incivilities with the guards outside, though Guglielmo did let go of Alexander's arm.

"What's the quickest way out of here, brother?" he asked.

"Um, this way."

Alexander led them around two corners, into a side corridor that led to one of the servants stairs. Guglielmo paused and listened, then pushed open the door of a nearby room. He gestured everyone into the small sitting room.

"Watch the door," he told Giancarlo, who nodded. Guglielmo led Alexander over to a pair of chairs. "Who was that old man?" he asked tensely.

"Cardinal Fortezzi? He's--Cardinal Fortezzi."

"Why doesn't he like you?"

"Excuse me?"

"He kept looking at you, and they were very unfriendly looks."

Alexander slowly sat down, remembering the hard, suspicious stare he'd received from the Cardinal when Alexander saw him steal the consecrated Host.

"Well? What did you do? Steal his special sacramental wine? Flirt with his mistress?"

"No ..." But what did a mercenary know of the sanctity of the Mass? Besides, Cardinal Fortezzi was a Prince of the Church. There could be things going on that Alexander had no idea of. Surely nothing that needed to be shared outside Holy Mother Church. "Why were you making such a fuss about doing this?"

Guglielmo leaned against a table and spread his arms. "I am Guglielmo il Sanguinante, lieutenant and second in command of the Scourge of Europe. I have altered the course of wars. I do not play doorman at parties."

Alexander's confusion faded to the more accustomed irritation. "Then why did you agree to do it?"

Guglielmo sighed and dropped his arms. "We're in a bit of a grey area on that. The company is on personal hire to the Pope himself. Everyone knows he dotes on his children, and if Cesare were to ask, His Holiness would probably tell me to do whatever Cesare says. But I am not going to let Cesare skip those steps and let him pretend that he has the right to order me around. Cesare does have a lot of power, though, so I can't just refuse him. I'd better plan on being sick on St. Sebastian's day."

"There's been typhus seen near the river," Giancarlo offered from by the door.

"Thank you, Giancarlo, I'll keep that in mind."

Alexander was thinking hard. "If it's so unheard of for someone like you to do this sort of thing, why ask?"

"To prove he can," Guglielmo shrugged. "I'm more curious as to why the Cardinal's involved. Does he have a reputation for the sorts of things Cesare indulges in? I won't name them, out of respect for your virgin ears."

Maybe he should have been offended, but Alexander was grateful to be spared a litany of vice. He'd heard whispered stories of Cesare Borgia, and he preferred to keep them whispers.

"His Eminence is, well--no, they don't tell us not to be alone with him or anything like that. He's just-- strange."

"Strange how?"

"In--church matters."

To his relief, Guglielmo accepted the explanation. "Excessive devotions, hm? Exploring the edges of orthodoxy?" He stared pacing around the room. "I wonder what he and Cesare have in common. Sandro, what is the significance of St. Sebastian?"

"My name is Alexander." He put his head in his hands and closed his eyes. "Please, shouldn't you be going?"

There were several moments silence, then a touch on his knee made him look up. Guglielmo was crouched in front of him, looking serious.

"Alexander, do you know anything about defending yourself?"