Oooh, yes, please do.

I did. I'm very, very bored. No beta, hardly a spell-check.

Title: Ahem, or It’s Elena’s Fault.
Author: Am-Chau Yarkona (she admits reluctantly)
Pairing: Spike/Giles (William/Rupert)
Timing: I Wishverse, also known as Pornland, where every day is time for sex. PWP, more or less. With chat.
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Joss owns the characters. The stuff Spike reads aloud is real- I really wrote it. Hank'sGurl does not (thank goodness) exist.
Note: dedicated to the Bitch porn production hive-mind, which is to blame for: a) GVSP, b) my corruption into writing it, c) the existence of Gollum/Dobby, d) the worrying fact that I feel quite pleased (almost proud) that I wrote this. Thanks to Fay, PMM, Connie and Elena. This wouldn’t be here without you. (Is that a compliment? Find out in next week’s instalment of ‘Porn, Porn, Snuff, Special Hell, Hobbits and Porn.’)

Spike lay on their new sofa, peering at the laptop and sniggering. “Snuff porn?” he snerked, disbelievingly. “I mean, gay vampires I can accept- I am one- but snuff porn? Are these people for real?”

“Probably not,” Giles replied, looking up from his book and taking this opportunity to study his lover’s firm ass.

“You always say that, Rupert,” the vampire reproached. “Wouldn’t it be fun if they were?”

“I don’t think so. Snuff’s only another way to take in tobacco, after all. Anyway, I’m surprised that a souled creature actually enjoys reading such things.”

“Having a soul doesn’t have to stop me having fun,” he replied.

“And reading these poor people’s snuff porn is fun?”

“Yeah. You should try it sometime.”

“No, thank you, William. Why should I, when I have you to give me as many porny thoughts as I need?”

“It’s just ‘cos it’s on a computer, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not.”

“It is. I know it is. Here, let me read you some aloud. This bit’s Gollum/Dobby slash. ‘ “Come here, precious. Dobby come to bed?” “Dobby must sweep floor. Dobby must cook breakfast. Dobby is not fit to sleep with ex-holder of One Ring.” “Dobby is new precious. Dobby must bring Gollum what he sweeps up from Bag End floor.”’ Cute, or what?”

“Not cute at all. Who is Dobby, anyway?”

“Dobby is the house-elf in Harry Potter! Haven’t you read any?”

“I must confess I haven’t. I know who Gollum is, but I really don’t like the idea that other people are trying to write J.R.R. Tolkein’s characters. Especially not when they’re trying to convey the idea that they may have sexual relations with- what did you say?- house elves.”

“Well, everyone has sexual relations in slash. That’s what slash is- sex, normally gay sex.”

“And there’s lots of this stuff out there?”

“Yes.”

“All the characters in Tolkien?”

“All of them. Though I never could quite get hobbits having sex, myself.”

“I’m not sure whether to be happy about that, or disturbed that you’ve tried.”

“I think you’d like Legolas/Aragorn better. Listen to this. “Legolas wrapped his legs around the tall Ranger’s waist, as Aragorn pushed his engorged manhood deep inside the elf’s fair cavity. Slowly, the blond-haired forest dweller began to rock back and forth. Aragron moaned…”

“Stop! Aragron?”

“That’s what it says. They spelt it right in the first sentence. But then, this is the internet, what do you expect?”

“I expect not to have to read it.”

“But think, all the things you’re missing out on! There’s some very good Passions stuff out there, let me tell you. I’m very fond of John/Chad, myself. But HanksGurl’s been writing Sheridan/Kay recently, and that’s good, too.”

“William, can I ask you something?”

“Yes. What?”

“Have you ever written _fanfic_ yourself?”

“Um, yeah. A couple of times. Why?”

“I just wondered.”

“It wasn’t very good. I can’t get past the Sam-actually-loves-Grace thing. You know, it’s strange, but…”

“I don’t want to know. Shall we never speak of this again?”

“Okay. Shall we do something else?”

“What did you have in mind?”

“Don’t worry- nothing you won’t like, I promise. Shut your eyes.” Giles looks at Spike for a moment, frowning, and then does as requested. Listening carefully, he hears the slight noise the sofa makes as Spike stands and the click of the laptop being shut. Then there is silence- a heavy, waiting silence that has something moving in it. A hand runs down his cheek, and he startles, almost opening his eyes.

“Shh, pet, only me,” a voice says, and he knows now that if he did look, he’d see bright blue eyes close to his, dyed blond hair only inches away. He forces himself not move, though, and concentrates on where that hand is going next. It unbuttons his short, and runs up over his bare shoulders. A little wriggle helps it remove the shirt completely, and it starts on his trousers, unzipping the fly.

His cock responds before he’s really aware of it. Spike chuckles. “Eager, aren’t we?” Giles doesn’t dare reply, sucking in a gasp of air as the cool hand sneaks it’s way inside his underwear.

“So that’s what an ‘engorged manhood’ looks like,’ Spike comments. “I do wonder if those folks have ever seen one. I can think of better words for it.”

His voice is husky and low as his hand works up and down. “You like that, love?” he asks, watching Rupert’s face as it contorts, its owner struggling with the desire to open his eyes. “You want me to tell you what you’re missing?” Without waiting for a verbal answer, Spike takes the expression of lust for a yes, and begins telling his lover what’s happening, matching every action to his words.

“Well, I’m running my hand, which is sweaty and slick with pre-cum, up and down your cock, using the other one to stop you bucking your hips against me. In a moment- in fact, right now- I’m going to move that hand down, gliding it over your hip bones and smoothing the skin on your inner thigh, until I can use it to…” Giles moans, as Spike starts to finger, first the heavy sac of testicles, and then what the fanfic writers insist on referring to as ‘the small, puckered hole.’

Spike’s able fingers keep exploring, and Giles notices that either vampires can grow a third hand a will, or one of the fingers is a tongue. “William,” he groans, thrusting into Spike’s mouth, and giving Spike something pornier than dirty words to chew on. When he recovers a little, Giles opens his eyes, to see his lover smiling like a cat that got the cream. “If internet porn always results in that,” he mummers, and tails off at the grin.

“You think you might like to hear some more? How about some Celeborn/Gimli?”

“You think you might like to hear some more? How about some Celeborn/Gimli?”

SNERK!

Legolas will kill him if he tries anything.

PMM! Nice to see you. I'm glad to hear you snerking at my silly!Porn.

I'm up, about to take a shower and slam some coffee.

Was up past my bedtime, again. As always.

I know. I saw you in Bitches what was, for me, early this morning.

Very silly porn, but a nummy treat naetheless.

Thank you. When I found I just giggled whenever I tried to write real porn, I decided silly porn was what it would have to be.

BWAH! And I'm ashamed proud, proud I say to have inspired that. Heh.