And... more HH/FF crossover. Now with added snarky!Star Wars.

- - -

"We picked them up, same as Ford and Arthur," Trillian replied without looking up. "They were floating free in space—their ship had just exploded—and the ship picked them up all on its own, while we were moving. A slightly lower probability this time, although still quite high. That's why we haven't met them before. Less coincidence to be accounted for."

"What does that mean?" Simon asked. River was listening carefully, and seemed to be understanding every word.

"It means you're very lucky to be here," Trillian replied.

"Wouldn't something have to set it in motion from the other end?" River asked. "This isn't our world—it's all different. Alliance not here. No blue hands; we've moved a long long way."

Trillian frowned. "This isn't your universe?" River shook her head. "I suppose that if the string theory of the nature of matter is correct, that's a possibility… computer?"

"Hi guys!" chirped the computer, chucking up ticker tape by the metre. "What can I do to help you relax and bond today?"

"Just work out… what the hell?" Trillian was staring at something on a small screen. "Computer, give me a full-screen visual on… that thing on our left."

The screens on the main bank lit up, displaying a round sandy-yellow object. "What you're looking at is the planet Tatooine," Eddie told them cheerfully. "No data in the banks."

"Pretty," River said. "Start the story."

Everyone else made noises that boiled down to "never heard of it."

"Try the Guide," Ford suggested, waving his hand vaugely in Arthur's direction.

"Okay," Arthur said, and tapped the name in.

Tatooine: A small desert planet in the Outer Rim, Tatooine has frequently been branded the Most Boring Planet ever. Strictly speaking, this is not true, as Alderaan has consistently won the Most Boring Planet Award, Space-Dust category. Due to some sort of looping effect, referred to by laymen as 'wobbles in the odjamaflip' and by scientists as 'a strange looping effect caused by immeasurable forces', people who visit the planet inevitably arrive at significant moments in the life of the Skywalker family.

He reports that there is nothing on Tatooine for the discerning hitchhiker, but much for those who choose to gamble. Pod racing is very big here, and if you want to be killed in an exciting battle of wits between yourself and a stupid alien, this is the place to go. Reported sightings of Zaphod Beeblebrox are probably, though not necessarily, exaggerated. Reported sightings of a …

"Vogon spaceship!" Ford shouted. "Dammit!"

The large yellow monstrosity had been hidden by the colour of the planet, but now it floated out into space, blatantly on a collision course and coming very fast.

"Computer!" Zaphod said, "Get us out of here!"

"I'm sorry, we seem to be trapped in a spiral timewarp," Eddie told him. "You'll have to fly yourselves out of this. Shall I provide some background music?"

"No. And why can't you fly it? You're the computer; I'm not supposed to have to do work!"

"I have no idea. Classical or popular?"

"Neither!" Zaphod yelled. "Can *anyone* fly this thing?"

"I'm a pilot," Wash said, calmly. "Give me manual control."

Ford got out of his seat, and Wash sat down, peering at the labels on various levers and buttons. And, worryingly, frowning. "What sort of a ship is this? It doesn't even have…"

"Love?" Zoe said. "Just fly us out of here already."

"I'll try," Wash told her, and pulled a lever apparently at random. The ship jerked, throwing everyone across the room.

"Ow!" Arthur yelped. "I already had a bruise there!"

"Shut up and hold onto something," Ford advised. "No, not me, you fool. Something attached to the ship."

Wash was pressing buttons and pulling levers here and there, sending the crews rolling back and forth across the room. The ship lurched back from the Vogons, slide slightly towards them again as Wash made a mistake with the unfamiliar controls, and then started moving purposefully out away.

Purposeful, however, wasn't fast, and speed was essential.

"We're all going to die," Arthur said, quite calmly given the circumstances, with the unmistakable note of hysteria in his voice.

This moment of high tension is interrupted to bring you the news that bad things are going to happen. Wash's attempts to get them away from the Vogons will, as a matter of narrative imperative, fail. Things are going to turn out okay, in the long run, but please fasten your seat belts.

"No we're not," Mal told him. "Right, Wash?"

"Um.. yes, captain. But… err… we are going to be taken captive by these guys."

"They're transmitting something," Trillian said. She climbed up the floor, which was sloping more steeply than normal, and managed to flick a switch.

A voice boomed through the room.

"Resistance is fu… fu… what's the word? Fertile? Febrile? Oh, just give in already. This planet is due to be blown up, along with everyone in the locality."

"Why?" Mal asked, doing his best not to lie on Simon as Wash threw the ship around, and failing.

"Orders," replied the Vogon voice.

"Oh, great, orders. It's always orders, isn't it?" Arthur couldn't seem to stop talking, until Ford helped by putting a hand over his mouth.

"We really are in trouble, people," Wash said, watching the controls owlishly. "They've got hold of us with some sort of grappling hook—we're going to be eaten alive. Oh my God. Oh God. Oh God."

"Shut up," Mal said, and Zoe crawled across to hold her husband's hand. She considered trying to keep him quiet another way, but decided this probably wasn't the moment.

Somewhere, deep in the ship but closer than any of them liked to the bridge, a series of bangs sounded, doors opening and then footsteps echoing in metal corridors.

Jayne took Vera's safety off.

And the start of something for Elena's challenge. Sorry, folks. I'm writing the first evil-- take that as a warning.

- - -

Some time in 2001, military base

"That's enough! Stop right there!" a random guard—tall, heavy, armed with something black and nasty—barks.

The prisoner, desperate for the open air, for freedom and chaos, doesn't stop.

Just once, a shot rings out in the echoing corridors, and the prisoner will be finding out if there is chaos after death.

No names for his next of kin have ever been taken, and so no one is notified. A nameless prisoner who dabbled in dark arts; and a nameless grave in ground unprotected from dark forces. It's easy. Too easy.

November 12th, 2002, Westbury, England

Giles sat alone in big garden room. It was really a living room, but the place had two, and this one's windows looked out at the sunset over the garden, so they called it the garden room. Bored, he looked up from the book he was trying to read, and noted the time on the grandfather clock opposite—one minute past eight.

Funny. He hadn't heard it strike.

The house was mostly empty—on Tuesday evenings, it seemed, everyone had a reason to be out, expect him. He thought Kathryn was probably still around, in her room or the library, but it didn't seem like a good idea to go and look for her. She was more than a little wild—he liked that about her; it reminded him of Ethan—but there was quite a high chance she wanted to be alone.

The book in his hands was heavy, and he started to put it down. The pages ruffled, in a way that pages shouldn't unless there's a stiff breeze—and then there was, a powerful blowing in the still air of the room, cracking at the thick paper and disturbing the dust motes.

"What…" he started, slamming the book shut, trying desperately to remember what this reminded him of… something about demon summoning, the presence of evil… Ethan, again. Why couldn't he stop thinking…

… that Ethan was there, the air still again as it should be, and Ethan, three-dimensional, as wiry and grinning like usual, standing there in front of him on the expensive Persian rug, and saying, "Hey, Ripper. Good to see you again."

Ooh! Nice beginning. I love the opening bit about poor Ethan's untimely demise. It seems rather lacking in the flamboyance that he'd like, but it's still very effective, especially the bit about finding out if there's chaos after death.

Oh, my god! Can not stop laughing. You are like unto a god, Am. That is some funny shit!

The ship lurched back from the Vogons, slide slightly towards them again

Slid?

But, Jebus, the crawling over each other and the computer and Wash and and... So funny!

As for the CWDP, keep it coming, missy.

Ethan, again. Why couldn't he stop thinking…

… that Ethan was there, the air still again as it should be, and Ethan, three-dimensional, as wiry and grinning like usual, standing there in front of him on the expensive Persian rug, and saying, "Hey, Ripper. Good to see you again."

Very very nice, Am.

Oh, look, SA. My keyboard just melted.

Is that payback for Plei's tormenting you with Joyce as the creamy filling in that evil little short of hers? Huh?

I totally loved that. One phrase rang wrong, in tense/parsing:

he can catch sight of Faith

Can catch?

Other than that? I'll be in my bunk.

And when I come out of said bunk and take a long hot shower to wash the sweat off? Off backthreadwards to read Am's.

Is that payback for Plei's tormenting you with Joyce as the creamy filling in that evil little short of hers? Huh?

Payback? Hm. I don't think it's proper payback unless it's something that completely freaks her out as that did me.

And I don't think there's a thing in the world that will do that now, and I love her for it.

(insent, btw, Deb.)

Hee! I can't imagine anything in fic freaking Plei out, either.

Backsent to you, with info.

"Shut up and hold onto something," Ford advised. "No, not me, you fool. Something attached to the ship."

HehehehehehehehehBWAHA!