The glow faded to darkness, then a picture. A pretty blonde woman sat in the front seat of a car, eyes closed, head shaking, pain knotting her forehead. The lines of her face flickered several times, but settled. The woman glared, then poked the pockmarked demon behind the wheel. "Drive faster. He's getting pushy. I think he's trying to stop us."

"Yes, most glorious."

The little lizard whimpered and fell back. Tara took her hand away. The water slowed and went still.

"Tara?"

Willow came through the doorway, looked around. The little demon ducked behind Tara, peeking around her legs at the new person.

"Hi, little guy," Willow said, crouching down. "Are you looking after my girl?" He didn't come out of hiding. She straightened and hugged Tara. "Crazy night. So this is the guy?" She studied the statue of St. Eugene, then ran a finger along the top of the chalice as she rested her head on Tara's shoulder. "Crazy night." She put both arms around Tara's waist, gazing into the still, empty waters in the cup.

Buffy hit gravel and lost Dawn's hand. She rolled to her feet. "Dawn!"

"Here," came the shaky answer. "Oh-h, he was right, that was nasty." Dawn climbed slowly to her feet. "Wow. Ick."

"Yeah."

The sky was grey-green and seemed to pulse with occasional pink flashes. Maybe day, maybe night. There was enough light to show they had landed among ruins, half collapsed stone walls that rose two or three feet. The weedy plant-line things clustered around the walls were yellowish and spiky. And they twitched, even though there was no wind.

Dawn and Buffy moved together, taking each others hands. "Shouldn't there be people?" Dawn asked. "I kind of expected people."

"I'm wondering where Giles is. Giles!"

Dawn hugged her arm. "Don't yell. You don't know what's out there."

Footsteps crunched behind a wall, and Giles came into view. He was still grinning. "Isn't this amazing? A whole new world."

Dawn shook her head. "No songs, no songs."

Buffy reminded herself that perkiness was not a capital offense. "Is everything OK? Nothing about to eat us? Where are the people?"

"Oh. Yes. Potential eating things." He actually reached up to fiddle with glasses he wasn't bothering with anymore. "I haven't seen anything threatening. Haven't seen much of anything, actually."

"Shouldn't there be people?"

"Yes, one would expect people, wouldn't one? Anya certainly wouldn't have come here on business if there were no people."

Buffy and Dawn looked at each other. "Giles, are you OK?" Buffy asked.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine. What about you two? Was the trip through very bad?"

Dawn shrugged. "Kind of like Space Mountain, but with a nastier light show."

"And smells," Buffy added.

"And noises."

Giles nodded. "Good, not too appalling, then. All we need to do now is find a safe place to wait- -oh, how lovely!"

The girls looked up to where he was looking. On a nearby mountainside a large furry something spread out huge orange half-circle wings, then leaned forward and glided away. It didn't flap its wings, just floated.

Dawn buried her face in Buffy's shoulder. "Go home now. Go home now."

"It's not a bat, Dawnie. It's not going to come down here." Buffy glared at Giles. "It better not, anyway."

Giles watched the thing travel across the sky, fascinated.

"Giles!"

"Hm? Oh, sorry. I wonder if that's one of the people? Anyway, I found an old building around the corner that has most of its roof. It's quite empty."

"OK, let's go."

Giles lectured on what he'd observed so far, how the ruins suggested the builders were humanoid and how the path was made by something with two feet. Fortunately the building wasn't too far away. It was rather dilapidated, but was nicely empty and not very dirty.

Dawn waited for Buffy's nod, then collapsed on the dirt floor. "How long are we going to be here?"

sorry about the abrupt ending, that's where I got to and haven't picked it back up yet.

Who would the ghost be?

I'm thinking Harmony.....

Our defense relies on another vamper, one young man with a gun, and a witch.

vampire, of course.

I'm loving Xander. I'm loving the pragmatism. And he and Anya are so wonderful together. So loving. So ... .. Damn you....

Deb, so the FE would be talking to Harm's ghost? Because she's a vampire, I don't think she can be a ghost, too.

Because she's a vampire, I don't think she can be a ghost, too.

Damn! Good point. Pity, because of anyone who could drive the First screaming into the night, wouldn't you think it would be Harm in full cry? I mean, picture it.

Harm: So you're, like, the Biggest Baddest Baddiebad ever? oh, I so don't think so.

First (in someone else's body): Excuse me?

See, but you could do it with Vamp!Harmony. I mean, why not?

Bugger! I spellchecked that, too! Crap, and I just finished updated the webpage, too. Grrr ...

edit: Maybe it's a new adjective. "I'm vamper than you are."

See, but you could do it with Vamp!Harmony. I mean, why not?

Heh. HehehehehehBWAH!

A nice dumb comedy short would feel good, after "Trophy." That one is, most definitely, dark....

Conversations With, Like, WhatEVERS

The First, floating and amorphous, on the prowl; searching, in fact, for someone to frighten.

The blonde came into the alley, a pouty-faced thing in low-slung red leathers and high heels. She wasn't very steady on the heels; that, and the pout, gave her the look of an adolescent posing in her big sister's stolen clothes. It should have been endearing, that effect.

The First, expert beyond the ages of man in reading reactions, found itself actually wondering why there was nothing endearing there at all.

"Spike!"

It took the First a moment to realise the blonde in the red do-me clothes was addressing it. It hadn't noticed donning a dead man's shape; must have done so in reaction to the blonde's presence. That was two "what the hell" moments in as many minutes, far too many for comfort. It settled itself down in its borrowed muscles and tendons, and prepared to do a little serious tainting.

"Spike?"

The blonde sounded uncertain, neurotic, more than a bit suspicious. Her eyes, not her best feature in any case, narrowed to squintiness. It occurred to the First that the girl was nearsighted, and perhaps too vain to wear glasses. Someone ought to tell her, though, squinting caused wrinkles faster than anything except sunlight....

"Blondiebear? Are you mad at me?"

Blondiebear? What sort of ditzy, empty-headed, kitschy little - suddenly dizzy, the First shook Spike's head. With that movement, a name came.

"Hullo, Harm."

"Spikey! Oh, Blondie Spikey Boyfriend Bear, you're not not talking to me!"

Before the First could react, the girl it had instinctively called Harm - Harm? - flung herself forward, aiming presumably for the vampire Spike's welcoming arms. Since Spike was, in fact, a noncorporeal Evil in borrowed Doc Martens, she stumbled straight through, tripped, and fell flat on her face.

She was up so fast, the First barely had time to register the moment. It felt its interest pique. What in the world was this girl? Dumb as an ox, nauseatingly cutesy, fast as -

"What in hell did you do to Spike?"

(more in a bit)....

The First blinked Spike's eyes. Harm - that had to be short for something more reasonable, no one named their child "harm", you might as well give her a baby brother called Collateral Damage and be done with it - didn't sound frightened. She also didn't sound really curious, or even angry. She sounded - concentrated. She looked concentrated, too. Her cheeks were puffed out like a demented kewpie doll.

"I asked you a question. Where is my Blondiebear?"

"Relax. He's fine, as far as I know. Well - as far as dead people or, in his case, undead people, can be fine. This is just borrowed. I haven't done anything to him."

"Then why are you doing that cheesy shapeshifty thing? What's up, you watch too much Star Trek?" The girl sounded insultingly scornful. "I bet you go to cons and laugh at the people with the stick-on Spock ears. Hey! Geeks! Look at me! I can do it without a costume!" Unbelievably, Harm stuck her tongue out. "Ooooh, fear me, I'm the Big Assy Shape Shifty Guy! Jerk."

The First was conscious of a sudden overwhelming wish to be corporeal, just for as long as it would take to wrap its hands around Harmony's neck and crush her windpipe like a worm casing. Meanwhile, the girl kept on talking.

"So what's your real body look like, Skeevy Thievy Guy? I bet you're as ugly as dead bat's feet. I bet you went and borrowed my boyfriend's sexy hard little bod because you look like that Comic Book Store guy from the Simpsons, right? I'll just bet."

"I do NOT!"

The first bit Spike's tongue. What was he doing, arguing with this crazy bimbo?

"Suuuuuuuuure you don't." Harmony pushed her slender tummy forward, slouched as deep as she could go, and dropped her voice. "Worst. Spike. Impersonation. Ever."

"SHUT UP!" The First heard its own voice change, as the Spike mask wavered. He couldn't get a read on this Harm creature at all; she seemed to have no soul, no heart, no anything. Whatever she was, she was maddening, infuriating, enough to....

"So do you do any other party tricks, besides that shapeshifting stunt, which by the way is, like, totally not convincing, and anyway, you don't look anything like Spike, you big freakin' loser? Huh?"

The voice was driving the First out of its borrowed mind. It went on, as she stepped closer.

"I bet you didn't even ASK my Blondiebear. Did you? I bet you're just a big old ugly-assed WUSSY and you probably wouldn't have the stones to ask him to borrow his body, that's right isn't it, you don't have the stones so that's why you had to -"

"YEEEEEAAARRGH!"

The First, spectral saliva flecking its mouth, turned itself inside out and disappeared from view. Harmony stood quietly for a few moments.

"So," she said conversationally, "How'd I do?"

"Beautiful." Xander stepped out from behind a headstone and handed Harmony a twenty. "Here you are - my end of the deal. I'd tell you not to buy cigarettes with them, but hell, you're a vampire, your lungs? Not a problem."

She giggled, and took the twenty. "Thanks. That was the First? Really? Big Whup."

"Very big whup," he agreed.

They stood together in companionable silence for a minute or two. Harmony looked at him out of the corner of her eye.

"Xander? Did I really do that well?"

"Yep." He stretched, grinned, and turned towards the cemetary gates. "Worth every penny. That's the most fun I've had all week.

• * *