Plei:

Stuff I love love love:

Hates that she'll come back night after night, hoping that this time, when she touches heaven, she'll get to stay.

It isn't sleep, it isn't death, but it's not hell, and that's a start.

she'd slip out the door and off in search of someone else's death.

All very very very very good indeed.

Stuff I'd take a second look at:

So really, it's not a shock that she's not sleeping if she can avoid it.

Something wrong about "shock" as used in that context: has she been discussing it with someone else? Because the character is unlikely to be shocking herself, and this is all about Buffy, this reaction. "Hardly surprising" or "no big surprise" or "not exactly a mystery" or something, but "shock" there...?

This hollow sack of flesh and bone left something essential behind when ripped from home

I love the first part of that, but the second half is incomplete somehow. Possibly just the omitted "it was" before "ripped from home".

Needless to say, it kicks the original (a thumbnail, really) right off the stage.

Changed the second to "So really, it doesn't shock her at all that she's not sleeping if she can avoid it."

added the "it was"

Eeeeexcellent! (Mr Burns)

Awaiting my husband before I watch Angel. I did sneak over during West Wing commercials and caught what looked like Gunn in a suit, performing serious kempo-type foo on some dudes in grey robes. There was also a child who didn't seem to like him much....

Alright then, context if you insist. "I reckon it must be x (person appearing)", and "Cheeky monkey!" used as an exclamation: "oh, you, silly child".

deb, plei, I will go back and read your stories soon. I hope.

I'd lean toward smart ass for cheeky monkey, depending on context and speaker.

Hello.

Deb's right, Ple, yours kicks ass.

Also, knickers are panties here, but again depending on context, someone (me) might just say underwear and I know some people (usually older) who say underpants.

and speaker

Hawkeye, actually. And 'smart ass' sounds about right-- thanks. Also, insent, Deena.

Ah, Hawkeye! I know I've heard him say something else, to Radar, I think --called him a scamp, with a tongue in cheek sort of face on. Smartass is v. good. Also, "you little shit!" in tones of incredulous laughter would work, depending on circumstances.

I edited the story, I've been calling it "In the Now", in my LJ -- haven't got it saved anywhere else at the moment, but the bajillion smalls are gone, though I saved some that seemed to fit a theme.

re-sent

I know I've heard him say something else, to Radar, I think --called him a scamp, with a tongue in cheek sort of face on.

Scamp is good, thanks, Deena.

I've read the edited version-- very good.

Plei, I think it's gorgeous. Very, very nice. Much more than gives justice to the original story.

I reckon it must be x (person appearing)"

Good think you said Hawkeye, because that gives me a time: I was thinking modern day, and I was going to say "California? Say Duuuuude."

As for "I reckon it's..." why not the nice simple "Looks like (x)..."

Damn. I'm going to be nose-down in edits today; got my copy edits to Weaver and they've given me a literalist as a copy editor. For a ghost story.

Deena, input on SLwD received - much obliged. Will ping you back when I am not dealing with my damned publishing house on less than one cup of coffee.

Why, this is hell, nor am I out of it....