There's a bit too much there, Deena, for me stylistically, anyway; the key of the picture is that faint anticipatory smile, which is why they think it's porn, and the fact that it's that coy sort of Vic faux porn would be watered down a bit by giving the woman herself too much importance, which is what would happen if I got too detailed about the curls. The text with the picture is a dictionary definition of "incubus".

Mostly, though, wasn't looking for edits (waaaay early in the process for that). Wanted to see if it brought up a nice clear picture of the cheesy Vic stuff.... Also, not present tense or first person voice. Narration; this series of novels is straight narration.

edit: hey! it double-posted....

Oh, well, then, I guess I should say something about why... as in, cascading curls but no mention of where they are, anticipatory smile with face; so I was going for the parallel.

The "I" had me cringing when I wrote it, so I have no good excuse for that one.

The rest was changed, mostly, to delete "a bit of" because I tend to try to remove extraneous words since I've been told I'm far too wordy in my writing.

I think I was annexing it. Oops.

Oh, hmm, cheesy vic for me (adding because you edited) includes mal-formed cherubs, too dark, the pre-raphaelite curls, the smile, the lounging.

I didn't think vic, when I read it. That may be because it's out of context or it could be just me, which has been known to happen. I'm not exactly subtle girl.

And, you clearly stating the definition that went with it went right past my head.

edited (and again) because somehow half the post disappeared.

Heh. I always annex.

I love all that pre-Raph stuff. There isn't a single unembroidered inch in one of those swoony pictures, is there? Oh, lady of Shallot!

Actually, almost a sight gag, really. The blurb is a particularly grim and factual take on what an incubus is, and does, and they've partnered it with this swoony bit of "oooooh, do me, demon lover man".

Deena, rather like her but with a dark malformed demon, sporting a huge shlong, floating over her. Note the dainty little coy hint of nipple....

(editing again) dude, we are crossposting like mad things.

oh my god, that's perfect!

Funnily enough, when I read the first Amanda installment, I thought to myself, "OH! published! And she writes just like me!"

Then, when you asked if it was "too lyrical" as you'd heard that criticism before, I thought, "Lyrical? She gets lyrical? All I ever got was too wordy!" Then I had to slap myself and focus, and (of course) decide it wasn't too lyrical at all.

I suddenly want to see the picture of the demon with the huge schlong. It might help my somewhat semi-current project *g*

I never got "too lyrical" for mainstream stuff, so take heart. I was just wondering if Pensioner might not be too lyrical for fanfic, since I wasn't familiar with it at the time.

See, when I edit (Plei's beta is a good example), I always take it the same way: as if the author wanted a last pass before it went out the door to an agent or for a pub submission.

I suddenly want to see the picture of the demon with the huge schlong.

BWAH! See, the problem here is, they're dealing with a ghost. They know who the ghost is/was; they just can't figure out how in hell it's actually managing to damage anyone physically, since ghosts can't (take that, First Evil!), being noncorporeal.

So they go to a nice little bookshop in Hampshire to check out "ghosts who want to have sex with the living and suck all their life force out of them" and they come up with this demon, and the problem is, they aren't looking for a demon, they're looking for a particular flavour of ghost, and they don't even believe in demons. And they already know who this sod was when he was alive. So what in hell's he doing being a demon?

And the lady of Shallot dreamily spreadin' 'em for the Big Shlong Demon Guy doesn't exactly help.

... "Theirs was a fragile peace, broken by Fred and never fully reassembled"?

One can break a peace. (Also a piece, which was what I typed first.)