Thanks, y'all!

Happy birthday, Theodosia!! I thought of you this morning.

I had a good birthday including breakfast with family friends and running into a friend at the airport. Now I'm on the sofa with my cat, gorging myself on candy. I can't believe I have to go to work tomorrow.

My finger hurts. It hurts a great deal much of the time. When it is manipulated, it's some of the worst pain I've ever felt, and certainly the worst I've submitted myself to.

I sign up for pain, or the risk of pain very often. It's something I do like to avoid, but I don't like to fear pain. I will bear much of it without...without flinching. I complain because, well, because I'm tired. I get tired of not flinching or crying or breaking things or screaming. So I complain then. It lets a little steam off.

But the pain is there every day. So sometimes it's not complaining, so much as explaining. That I do a lot, and it makes me self-conscious. But, fuck, it hurts.

My mother had awful migraines on a very regular basis. They got so painful and so frequent that her meds were running out all the time and she kept having to ask her doctor for more. He totally dismissed her, decided that she was taking too much medication, and determined that the solution was to cut her off entirely.

This would be roughly two months before the Stage IV glioblastoma erupted and changed all our lives.

I have so much anger still at this fuckhead. Her tumours were so bad - her surgeons were aghast at how fast they grew back once they'd been surgically removed - that the end wouldn't have been changed. But what she suffered during those couple of months, and what we all lost by not knowing we were losing her when she was still "normal" mentally and physically - I'll never forgive that.

And I'm not saying he should have been psychic. But when a long term patient, a woman who was a scientist herself, who'd done extensive research on pain management, who knew more about brain chemistry than he did himself - when she reported a sudden, dramatic increase in the intensity and frequency of her pain, he was utterly dismissive.

[Umm, yeah. That's a rant that's been coming on for a while in this whole pain discussion - I almost posted and didn't about four times today. Longer - I'm starting to get an idea of why I reacted so strongly to that ass in the NY Times last week, I think.]

Oh, brenda. I'm glad you didn't hold back. That's a righteous anger there.

brenda, this is a rant-friendly place. So sorry about your mother.

So, I mostly skipped people's other posts on this topic, so forgive me if it seems like I'm dismissing anyone else, but... holy SHIT, brenda. That's horrifying.

My family and I spent a lot of time this weekend being grateful for our relative health, and man, it's the truth. (My grandmother isn't doing so hot, but she's 87, is still really pretty active, and has had a damn good ride.)

Happy Birthday Jesse!

Happy Birthday Theodosia!

But the pain is there every day. So sometimes it's not complaining, so much as explaining. That I do a lot, and it makes me self-conscious. But, fuck, it hurts.

ita, I think about you a lot and about what you go through - I had a long period of severe recurring back pain (still nothing like Steph's, or what you have with your migraines, I'd guess) and I could not believe how the pain - and the unrelievability of it - just overtook my entire brain. Give me acute over constant any day. And with what I was just saying about my mom - I feel so bad that I never really understood what those migraines did to her. I always knew she was one of the strongest women I've ever known; I had no idea how strong. I just weep to think about how she pushed on through so much for so long, and we never really got it.

brenda, that is truly horrible and worth a lot of directed rage. And ita, your just being tired of the explaining (and the pain) too.

Even when I'm having the milder cramps, I'm always a little startled when they lift 6 hours later and I realize how foggy I've been. I may think I'm all there, but I'm not.

Speaking of pain (to be irreverent,) you'd think putting up a shelf involved the loss of limbs. My dad is a champion curser. And easily led to them.

brenda - that's horrid.

and the problem with pain- knowing how bad it is. The person suffering knows it is bad , but how bad? The doctor doesn't have any way to tell how the paitent is feeling. and pain management is still a black art. not everything works for everyone - somethings need time to work and sometimes you need to combind things...