but she colors them Maize & Blue. It's BRILLIANT.

So awesome. I love subverting the paradigm around here. Seriously, these people make even the most cracked-out fandom look totally logical.

Thanks so much for the additional support peeps. The Lush bath helped, but I still didn't sleep very well.

Sail, I haven't yet mentioned the possibility of Asperger traits. After the discussion here, I felt galvanized that it was the right thing to do, but suddenly things got so much better...I'm guilty of coasting because I was enjoying myself too much.

Fela did end up expressing a strong degree of sympathy and I'm certain he feels terrible.

I feel like I've been at the 'decision' point too many times. But then we have a multi-hour conversation...most of the time focused on his needs and me helping him to redefine his self-image. Me 'saving' us, because I'm afraid he won't step up to do so because he is so easily defeated.

He then tells me that he's only human and I need to be patient.

I'm weak with the not wanting to let go but it seems to be an endless series of one.more.thing. And I'm not good at letting certain things roll off me. This last incident of being so frightened and powerless really got to me.

Aww, did my Buckeye hate-on kill the thread?

Beej, I wanted to mention (when I was more awake) that I went through some similar stuff with my not!ex, and it was very crazy-making. Even now, in a much more detached relationship, he's pretty clueless. I.... don't know how much that has to do with your situation, now that I've typed it out, but I do know that I realized after the fact that situations like that were draining a lot of my emotional energy that shouldn't have been drained.

Aaaand I've ended negatively. Not my intention, just trying to share my two cents. I'ma go have more coffee now.

eta: This post was written before yours, Beej.

He then tells me that he's only human and I need to be patient.

While patience may be a virtue, none of us are saints. IJS. He needs to realize that he has to take responsibility for his problems and actively do something himself instead of expecting you to be his emotional caretaker. I think this is more the issue than whether or not you have enough patience.

I think you both hit on the nub of it. The emotional drain has caused me to do a LOT of backing up and becoming more detached...which has had its benefits but is not really what I'm looking for in a long term love...and the level of patience I have may not be enough to sustain me while he works on his stuff...which to be fair, he says he is doing.

I feel like I've been at the 'decision' point too many times. But then we have a multi-hour conversation...most of the time focused on his needs and me helping him to redefine his self-image. Me 'saving' us, because I'm afraid he won't step up to do so because he is so easily defeated.

Beej, I've been here in a previous long-term relationship. It took me so long to leave, because it was all stupid stuff that made everything intolerable. It was hard to institute a breakup because there was no inciting incident, but it was just so much work for no change, and never any recharging of the energy I poured into the relationship.

When I ended it, it was horrible. I cried and cried. I was a zombie. I barely functioned. For about a week. Then, it was just... awesome. So. Much. Better. More free.

What I did was to call a month-long timeout to think about stuff and see how things went, and then when we saw each other after that, I ended it for real.

The thing about considering the future is probably the most important aspect of this to consider. Are you ok with the way things are, if he never changes his behavior and patterns? Because you can't expect that to happen. You have no control over it (although he likes to tell you that you do- also a big thing in my previous relationship).

If your instinct is "no," then seriously, you need to listen to that.

Are you ok with the way things are, if he never changes his behavior and patterns?

Ooh, yes this. I've had conversations with so many people in the past, and I think the biggest question to ask when you're having issues in a relationship is, "If absolutely nothing changes, is this still what I want?"

The thing about considering the future is probably the most important aspect of this to consider. Are you ok with the way things are, if he never changes his behavior and patterns? Because you can't expect that to happen. You have no control over it (although he likes to tell you that you do- also a big thing in my previous relationship).

This is so the thing. I know that I can't expect anything other than how I respond to get much different. I know he has tried. A lot. No question there. But it seems like 'changing' equals doing what he thinks I want for some period of time until he forgets. It doesn't come naturally, it would appear, and therefore doesn't seem to be sustainable.

My sticking points are letting go of the good stuff...which is wonderful but 'surface'. Not a lot of emotional stability.

I was completely alone for the 3 years before him, so I'm not afraid of that. And my very worst days with him have been better than a lot of my past relationships bests...so at least I'm crawling up the evolutionary ladder.

eta: Sadly. Very sadly, the answer is no. It's not good enough as it stands to sutain me in the long term. Ugh. I'm so so sorry that this statement is true.

Beej, do not be sorry unless that statement is true *and* you do not give at least as much value to what you need in the relationship as you do to what he needs.

My sticking points are letting go of the good stuff...which is wonderful but 'surface'. Not a lot of emotional stability or ability to just rely on consistency.

Yeah. I made a list. Good stuff v. bad stuff. You look at the quantity and qualities of the two sides, it helps.

Also, I am convinced that if I hadn't had the relationship with C., then I wouldn't have been ready to be with Tom. So, you take the good stuff and move on to the next great thing (which may or may not be another relationship). Leaving the relationship in no way invalidates the good stuff, it just means you don't have that stuff anymore (ETA: from him) (which I know sounds totally DUH and obvious, but it was a weird thing in my own brain at the time.)